Thursday, 7 March 2013

Flight Plight

Plz note- This article has been written in the loving memory of Kingfisher airlines! :P 
Air India airhostesses welcoming their guests to yet another potential crash landing journey.Adventurous enough eh? 

Plane journeys are the ones that I immensely enjoy. Just the thought that I could choose to pee @ 35000 ft above sea level fills me with immense pride & joy (No, seriously !!).
Unlike the yesteryears travelling via air is no more a big deal in India. So you don't have to announce to your all your distant relatives over phone emphasizing "I am FLYING to Delhi tomorrow" & neither does half your colony visit the airport come to see you off for a domestic flight :( sob sob Those were the days

Flight journeys are so full of excitement.
It all starts with the safety drill where a beautiful airhostess will guide you on how to save your life in the case of an emergency landing. I have always felt that it is my humble duty to interpret those divine instructions for the greater good of the masses. So here goes-

1) There are 8 exits in this aircraft. Out of which 4 shall be blocked by old aunties, 2  by our cabin crew, leaving you with 2 another exits to get the hell out of here.

2) In the event of a drop in cabin pressure oxygen masks will drop from the panel above you please put the oxygen mask on yourself first & incase your co passengers were a lil irritating throughout the flight feel free to settle your scores by cutting the cord supplying oxygen to their masks.

3) We have placed fancy looking life jackets under your seat for you to use incase of an emergency landing over water. Not sure if it will really help you but atleast it can make you look like a douchebag incase you do survive .

4)  Kindly switch off your mobiles and other electronic devices during the journey. Please note that incase we find you using your iPhone midair we might snatch it away  because apparently playing Angry birds or Fruit ninja on your mobile 'interferes' with the aircraft's navigation systems.

5) Safety instruction cards are placed in your seat pockets & considering that none of you gives a damn about it either ways, so we have placed the same cards for every plane model (Be it A330 or A380).Why even bother putting the right one??

6) Kindly fasten your seat belts.Please follow the following steps-

step 1- Locate where the godammit seat belt is.Chances are that it will be under your rear end (as we lovingly call it -ass) or your co-passengers's ass & if u don't locate it both these areas it HAS to be hanging around somewhere.

step 2- Try fitting your belly into it. Deep breath in. Insert the metal part into the buckle & continue smiling even if you are not feeling comfortable due to the belt pressure on your big belly.

step 3 - Oh wait !! there is some good news. You can loosen up your belt a lil bit. By 'lil bit' we mean an equivalent space to fit an anorexic in. Sorry for giving you false hope. :P

7) Please store all your belongings in the overhead compartments & do so at complete ease because the passengers getting inside the plane have infinite patience levels & would  be privileged to see you struggle while fitting in your suitcase for 15 mins non stop while they wait for the passage to clear & they get the opportunity to move towards their seat..........FINALLY!!.

8) Keep your chair upright at all times. Please note that during meal times you are free to adjust your chair backside and cause maximum discomfort to the passenger behind you.

9 ) Incase you need any assistance during the flight press the cabin crew button situated above you and within minutes an air hostess will come to your who shall give you an angry stare and say "YESSSSSS, How may I help u?" in an irritated tone.

10) In the event of an emergency landing , the emergency lights on the floor will light up & guide u to the nearest exit in the RARE probability  that you don't get trampled by the stampede. As always we shall remain your well wishers in either case. :P

When it comes to hospitality NO ONE does it better than Air India. The love & warmth with which they shower Frooti juice packets so graciously upon you is beyond measure.

Kinda scared to ask the air hostesses for a beer during inflight service as you never know when she blurts out "Beta is this what your mummy taught you at home?? Here take orange juice. It's much healthier for you"

I don't really get it why pilots feel that it's their moral duty to give live updates of the flight's altitude and speed every now and then.                    

Dear pilots please bear in mind. 

Passengers in general,

1) Are mathematically challenged and can't comprehend both altitude and speed at once


2) They are busy flipping pages of the inflight duty free shopping magazine not due to any 'genuine' interest in shopping but simply because the others are doing it.

Or  for all u know is it like some kinda open invitation to sky dive ? And if that is true then I need to apply for Al Qaeda's graduate recruitment program with specialization in aviation & tower collision (wish me luck!!)

When you want something really badly the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that dream. But bear in mind that in flight journeys it works the exact opposite way. So if you wish to sit next to a hot chick the WHOLE universe conspires to make sure that you are sitting with people of your grandfather's age.

Last but not the least.

Dear Jet Airways,
Could you please keep that inflight instrumental music that you play before takeoff reserved for my funeral?? Makes me wanna immediately grab a pen & paper and write out my will & thereby transfer the ownership of ALL my assets (laptop,mobile & 2-3 untorn underwears) to my descendants.

Disclaimer - This is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author was NOT even paid peanuts (both figuratively & literally) by any of the airlines mentioned as they already had plenty of unpaid staff to give false promises to. Needless to say the author has given up air travel & is currently using all the IT resources at his disposal (ie his neighbour's WiFi) to get past the IRCTC website to book railway tickets.

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  1. And, in a touching tribute to the departed KF, Air India has introduced a welcome video where Shri Ajit Singh, the hon'ble Civil Aviation Minister, tells passengers that he has instructed the air-hostesses to treat you like a guest in his own farm near Baghpat where you will be expected to milk your own cow if you want a drink

    1. Hahaha!! Brilliant idea. Anyways when a passenger shells out so much money for a flight ticket the least he can expect is 'fresh' cow milk.High time Emirates airlines etc take a step in this direction. An ideal flight for me would be one where the airhostess cooks parathas for u onboard after noting down ur fav stuffing mooli,aloo,paneer etc etc.God willing this could become a reality someday soon. Till then will endure lousy packed food onboard :( :(

  2. pradeep singh karki18 October 2013 at 03:29

    gr8 1.... now a days in this "high -flying" hospitality business , some Air hostess seems like they are doing some unworthy donations, instead of serving at par.....(Seems all are getting belated salaries after 6 months)

    1. The only way for them to raise awareness of this unpaid salaries would be if they start pick pocketing their passenger's wallets.;)


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