BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)

Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').

                                                                    

Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-

Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "

Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.

A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "

The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.

Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?

6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd

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The year is 2060

It's that time of the year when people get all nostalgic about the year that just went by.One is filled with immense positivity for the year ahead. Now instead of brooding over important events of last year (like my neighbour not returning the non stick kadai pan she borrowed 2 months back :P) I shall give my predictions for the coming few decades in advance. Dear Bejan Daruwalla ,You're welcome! 

The Year is 2060.

Yerwada Jail  has opened a night club , swimming pool & spa for it's freelance celeb jail inmates so they have a comfortable stay out there.

Cricket has taken a bigger form throughout India. National level athletes are given free Bhaag Milkha Bhaag DVDs to console them for their insignificance .

China has taken over full Kashmir after extending into Indian territory in leaps & bounds .Ever since the advent of 'authentic chinese cuisine' restaurants over every nook & corner of the country serving dishes like Idli Manchurian  & doing immense typos over 1 word  'Schezwan' it would not be wrong to say we tempted China to go against us.

Indian residents have conquered Mars too thanks to tightening of  visa rules for USA green card.Patel community has successfully launched a prospering F &B business on Mars aptly called 'Dhoklas R Us' .

The Punjabi population has  officially surpassed the natives in Canada & Christmas is no longer a national holiday,Gurunanak Jayanti is. (FYI Santa gifts hot aloo parathas too!! )

Priyanka Chopra has released her 40th album with a black american thereby improving IndoAfrica relationships which fell into a rough patch many years back thanks to a local political party putting Akon's photo instead of Mandela on hoardings to pay their tribute to him on his death.

  

Used to do this during hostel days to predict what was for dinner. Sadly no divine intervention can save you when the stars above & Lauki & Karele ki subzi in store for you :(

Aakash tablets have become bestsellers specially since people discovered better uses for them like warming their coffee mugs.

Mumbai has just launched rolled out it's metro service with residents being nostalgic about not getting an opportunity to pee on the tracks.

Apple has finally after much furore launched another phone with bluetooth connectivity with all other brands of phones much to the disappointment of  'cousins in Amreeka' who will have to smuggle iPhones in dozens to India during the holiday season.

Lovely Professional University,Punjab has FINALLY started employing  a 'few' Indian professors contrary to their TV advertisements.(Have heard the college is so modern that the kids abuse also in English. #InTeriMaaKiAaankhWeBelieve )

Real estate developers across the nation have finally realized that it makes no point to use words like 'state of the art amenities, spa, temperature controlled swimming pool, diamond encrusted door knobs' in their ads coz at the end of the day their creme de la creme clients will have only 1 question in their minds 'Toilet indian hai ya western??'

It's disheartening to find that even after years of abolishment of apartheid, south indians are still called madrasis regardless of which part of south India they belong to.

India TV has still not got over their fetish of reporting  aliens abducting Indian cows.

Pakistan has appointed a hotter external affairs minister than Hina Rabbani Khar thereby causing many divorce cases in homes of indian ministers.

 Signing off with this lil glimpse into the coming years! Wish you all a Happy & prosperous year ahead!! Keep trolling!!