Of armpits & butterflies

A few days back I happened to come across a very poignant advert on my T.V screen.Before I begin my discourse would request my fan following of 3 readers to watch the YouTube video below.

This video made me ask a few existential questions-

1) Is it ok to flaunt your armpits?

2) When was the last time I came across 'Love is……having good looking armpits' pic on Facebook? 

3) Do butterflies have like an inner bias for armpits than blooming flowers or something?

Almost imagined Martin Luther King going like ‘I have a dream…. Kids in my country will be born with glowing armpits’. Coz at the end of it all racism boils down to 'my armpit is better than yours' at some level or the other.

Blame it on the marketing whiz kids for projecting glowing armpits as a day to day necessity. Necessity is the mother of invention.For all you know maybe there is a deeper vision to it .In a country full of brown people  we could do with a few glowing armpits?

 Aesthetic fairness market is one of the biggest market across India.Which is no big deal, considering as Indian we like our Gods to be fair too (both literally & figuratively). When was the last time you came across an average brown skinned Sri Ram on your TV screen?? No right?. Coz till the time they don't show Shri Ram after emptying one of those gigantic pink coloured Ponds powder bottles on his face the nation might go on a hunger strike or something.

Pond's - making Indians look like social misfits since 1947

It's fun seeing all the male characters in these religious TV serials are more waxed up than the heroines. Almost make the heroines seem manly .

Mankind has successfully developed creams to make every body part look fair . In a nation plagued with so many issues poverty,illiteracy etc we invested our resources in making arm pit whitening creams so MNCs could make big bucks preaching to the nation how being dark complexioned could hinder in your path of making it 'big in life' ( or as my Delhi folks call it 2 BHK flat in Gurgaon with inbuilt sauna bath effectively utilized to dry underwears coz dry underwears is what wellness is all about atleast if you have ever lived in a hostel.But will talk of my victorious  adventures of drying my wet underwears during the rainy season in some other blogpost. Shall leave you with the suspense for the time being ;) Yes, I am your next door Satan indeed! :P

Nowadays you have creams with random ingredients- Cucumber peels, Lemon extracts, Peach extracts etc. I feel it's high time all these big shot MNCs play with our emotions & come up with glitzy campaigns 'Come fall in love with Lauki like never before'  For my younger readers Lauki (definition)- A green coloured vegetable called bottle gourd which is well endorsed my Indian mums as the next potential cure for cancer & stuffed down screaming throats generation after generation coz of it's pseudo healing powers.

Lauki- Destroying appetites since the evolution of mankind

If you ask me when God was creating the universe bet he went like 'Hey let's just fuck around with the human species. Lets create make divine things like Cola & Lauki co exist side by side on the planet & spread the rumour Lauki juice has healing properties'

And also would love to have creams filled with goodness of Dal Makhni or the healing effects of Paneer Do Pyaza.This is what the need of the hour is if you ask me.

But there is these particular breed of shoppers called 'MEN' which these marketing whiz kids can seldom seduce into buying their products. For shoppers like me when I need to select any cream or shampoo I open the lid & go by the smell. Yes you read that right.Had this tragic incident when a family member got me a  'Nivea non fragrance face wash' which I haven't used till date coz fragrance is the only reason I would buy such a product.The stars never seem to be in my favour.

My affair  with beauty products began at a young age, when in kindergarten half a packet of rouge was smudged on both my cheeks coz I had to perform on stage. And coz kids with pink patches on their cheeks were socially accepted as 'adorable kids' regardless of their looks.

You find any & every product of known and unknown evils - Face packs, Finger nail naturalizers,Buttock softners,Navel  moisturizers etc. (k fine had to make up some names due to peer pressure)

When it comes to confusing the masses, it's an art which these companies have mastered over time. Figure the list below -

Dry skin lotion - Rs 80

Dry skin for the not so wet kinda epidermis lotion - Rs 120
(Which both mean the same thing but who cares till we have created a new product line)

Dry skin with the curvy kinda hair follicles lotion -Rs 160

Dry skin with the wet sticky hair follicles lotion  - Rs 200

This so called 'value addition' process will go on till eternity or till Jesus resurrects back on earth & breaks a Lauki into two with bare hands coz converting water to wine is just too mainstream. Till we meet again.Adios!!

Disclaimer- I received no monetary compensation or blackhead removers from any of the brands mentioned despite repeated requests to them.Shall be chucking away my shampoo & instead using my soap bar to clean my hair in protest from henceforth sincerely hoping neither the earth stops revolving nor does my lifespan decrease for this holy sin of mine (atleast in every MNC marketing chief's head).

Book bucket challenge conundrum

I recently had the privilege of being selected as the privileged few to boast my intellectual supremacy or rather the lack of it on Facebook i.e got nominated for the book bucket challenge. Now unlike the ALS ice bucket challenge which seeks to raise awareness pf a chronic disease, the book bucket challenge is more of a competition somewhat like the ones which Delhi aunties indulge in every now & then- 'My Loueeees Vuitton is better than yours'. 

Louis Vuitton- Uniting Delhi aunties since 1947

Social decorum demands you list out a few books that have influenced your life which is kinda cute coz given whether you read Chetan Bhagat or Shakespeare in your teenage days really makes a hell of a difference to my existence on the planet. Pasting my ultra long Facebook status below. Happy reading. 

Firstly a big thanks to Hiral Raval for choosing me for the book challenge & making my fingers go numb typing out such a long article.
*inserts a few other fake pleasantries while cursing her under his breath :P*

Mandatory book pic due to intense peer pressure

So here goes my list of top 10 books that have had a profound influence on me throughout my life (in no particular order coz all are equally pointless) -

1) Tinkle Double Digest Vol 2 - This book is of utmost significance to mankind coz it is in this book that Kapish the clever monkey uses his mental skills to beat the shit out of Peelu the tiger.And also coz 'Peelu' is JUST the kinda name a tiger would like to be named as after birth.

2) Spicejet inflight magazine- Never read any articles in them (I am always too busy giving live status updates u see) but it's still a great magazine considering that Spicejet is cheap enough & doesn't give you any menu card so u HAVE to look into the magazine to see the meal options available.They have a shitty weekly chart & it gives me great pleasure to inform you that contrary to popular belief 'tindey ki subzi' features on none of the days.

*does a victory run & loses a few calories by mistake *

3) Wren & Martin English Grammar - This book is possibly the 2nd most holiest book in any Punjabi household after the Guru Granth Sahib considering that if u have the ability to master it no force known to man can stop you from settling as permanent illegal immigrants in AMKREEEEEEKAAAA, Canada or South Hall. Barely opened the book once or twice but had got it from the book store mainly due to the 'Wren & Martin nahi li toh log kya kahenge?' peer pressure which is quite common in Indian households.

4) Principles of Accounts- Class 12 ISC Boards- This was one book which made me realise that my true calling was accounts. ‪#‎FML‬ and one fine day in my head I went like 'Hey I could make some money hatching eggs on MS Excel all my life' ‪#‎ShitCharteredAccountantsWillNeverTellYou‬

5) Introduction to Indian Taxation 1st year B.com- This was another great book which was so boring as hell that it inspired me to venture into humour writing all together. All lectures I attended for this subject were spent writing articles in my notebooks only to realise a day before the exam that I had more humour articles than any Taxation related notes in my notebook after which the process of sourcing notes written by the nerdy ones began to pass the exams.

6) Class 12 ISC History textbook- Now this another all time favourite book & I highly doubt if I left any picture on which I had NOT made speech bubbles with random dialogues or drew silly stuff on faces of historic leaders.It's kinda lovely how Congress gets declared an illegal organization precisely after every 2.5 pages by the British. And mind you this book was real thick in size.Lost count of the no of Gandhi jokes I wrote in those pages.Indian history is pretty hilarious when you go into depth. Thanks for reminding me I need to write a series of articles with my thoughts on it too.

7) Lenovo laptop troubleshooting guide- This is one book I have saved since almost 1.5 yrs now hoping that it will help me in my time of need.Sometime last year my screen conked off and with great excitement I opened to the page for laptop screen issues. It had a nice flow chart diagram and it went something like-

If your laptop screen display doesn't work-

Step 1- switch the power button on and off 
(which is perfectly fine considering that there are millions of IT tech support guys around the world whose livelihood depends on this one instruction)

Step 2- Put the laptop lid up and then down

Step 3- Dance around a bonfire wearing leaves with black & red stripes smeared across your face & try evoking the heavenly spirits

Step 4- Bastard, take your laptop to the nearest service station where a customer service representative will be more than happy to keep you waiting for 1.5 hours while she finishes her minesweeper game on her desktop.

8) IKEA yearly home catalogue- This helps me a realize what an Indian household ought to look like in an alternate universe. And also helps to let me concentrate my thoughts on existential issues like 'Bro, why don't these IKEA people sell aggarbatti stands too? Fuckin racists  '

9) Emirates Driving Institute Driving manual - Now this book contains all guidelines and tips to driving safe on the roads out here. Cunningly enough they didn't include important tips like for eg when you are in a mall's parking and there is a huge line of cars waiting behind you to take your space.An ideal driver should get the fuck out of there asap but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dubai drivers wait for half an hour keeping the rear red lights ON & play a game of two of Antakshari or Dumb Charades in their car and then leave the spot while keeping the whole line of cars behind them confused if they plan to vacate the spot or not. Sadly enough my proposal of making this manual into a full fledged comic series without charging a single penny in royalties got turned down. I know it's a very heartbreaking tale indeed. 

10) The Orient Longman School Atlas- Back in school days it helped me a lot in my in my Geography papers which were exams where they would give you a map of India and make you mark random irrelevant stuff like - mark 3 places where Iron & lignite reserves are found. In retrospect I think it would have made a lot more sense if they would have asked socially relevant questions to mark on India's map like 'mark 5 places where Bacardi NH7 Weekender is held ' or 'mark 2 places where Aamir Khan's weeping poster of Satyamev Jayte was not put up' or 'mark 6 places where the Kingfisher calendar with those beauties is shot'

That's all for now. I guess now you have a deeper insight into the books that inspired me! I hereby nominate Ravina Mekan, Gayathri Velu ,Urvish Subodh , Dharti Shah to choose their top 10 books........& try NOT to hate me guys lest my karmic balance tumbles 

Social media Deconstructed - Part 1

Mankind has reached the stage of nirvana. We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. So it's but natural photographing  insects sitting on leaves with ultra zoom lenses became socially acceptable.Though photography page owners on Facebook you still disappoint me with no pics of cockroaches playing hide and seek on kitchen cutlery with  philosophical quotes like 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars' coz on an average day it's things like these that brighten up my morning.

1) Food -

Gone are the days when just clicking pics with Ronald McDonald abroad to show off to fellow indians back home was a moment of national pride.But globalization took over shortly and all big brands started coming in to Mother India.Before you could figure out what was happening they even came up with local variants McPaneer (coz calling it McWhiteFriedPiecesOfRubber would offend cows & indians but mostly the cows), McAlooTikki ( or as McDonald's describes it a mouth-watering potato patty infused with  Indian spices so scarce to find that the British would have ruled for 300 more years in India had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan )

Instagram took over mankind and newsfeeds got spammed left right and centre with pics of food. Each competing against one another.

'My Dal Makhni has more coriander leaves than yours.Fuck you! I win !

Pro tip- If your dish doesn't look good photogenic enough, garnish the hell out of it with whatever you find in the kitchen.This will serve 2 purposes

a) It will help camouflage your ugly looking dish.

b) It helps create a positive vibe amongst your guests who get deceived by the looks of it only to realize their folly shortly enough much like The Last Supper

(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like  'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )

Instagram coz eating eats unmelted ice cream is just too mainstream

There are some unsaid rules too.You are not a self respecting Indian in Canada if you don't get a pic clicked with a Tim Hortons coffee cup.Sometimes genuinely think if that is like one of the hidden immigration rules policy out there.

All thanks to this flood of food pics all 

over my newsfeed I have finally learned big big words which I shall try my level best to decipher for my readership.

Connoisseur- A fancy term used as a face saving device when food tastes raw.Coz you see calling a person halwai on his face is just too mainstream.

Gourmet- A very well thought drafted by the broke guys in the food industry  after collaborating with marketing guys to rip your wallets for serving the same food ofcourse with a touch of gourmet.......

Vada Pav- 15 Rs, Gourmet Vada Pav- 120 Rs

Green Salad - 30 Rs  ,Gourmet Green Salad tossed with cracked pepper with a tinge of lemon & tossed yet again this time with a dash of olive oil & farm fresh iceberg lettuce leaves greener than Hulk's rear end & juicy tomatoes so red in colour blood seems fake- Rs 150

Aficionado - Not gonna lie, googled the term to get the right spelling.According to the dictionary it means someone who is devoted to something which is totally kinda cool coz in daily life I go around telling people 'Yo bro , you are such a Shera Vali Maata aficionado'. & yes I am going to hell for trolling my own religion. You're welcome!

2) Health & wellness-

You can always depend on my fellow Punjabi clan to mince around with words. In your mom's  eyes you are never really fat, you are always 'healthy'.As a 'healthy' guy I find it very adorable Lee Cooper comes out with 'skinny' jeans in XL size.Makes you feel all the more loved right?

What pisses me off to the core is health related stuff flooding on my newsfeed/Twitter timeline.Shall share a few examples below to refresh your memory-

'Clocked in 40 min cardio , 33 min push ups & 20 min power jogging- Feeling refreshed'

'2 hours of 'Power' Yoga'- Feeling Rejuvenated
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)

'10 km early morning jog, muscles ache but I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep #100HealthyDays'

(Pro tip- No offense but I'd rather make some money throwing newspapers in people's balconies than running around for free. )

In all honesty I have burned more calories getting pissed off at your health related status updates than actually working out. When I had started going to the gym (somewhere around the time where Zumba was in trend which was quintessentially 'ameero ka bhangra' Translation- Bhangra for the elite' '

I had gone to the gym filled with optimism and expected to see hot babes sweating & having ice cool lemonade you know like the kinds they show in movies. But I was betrayed............. all I got to see was uncles wearing shiny neon green vests with fat hairy thighs moving around in shorts desperately trying to add to the sensuality & oomph factor in the gym premises.Clearly it was the darkest day 

in the history of my life, so much so that I gave up on the concept of fitness all together.

Day 1- An average next door blonde chick (Nope not talking of my locality.I am cursed by the stars u see).
Day 90- A sturdy Haryanvi Jaat JUST in 3 months!  #ReasonEnough2AvoidGym

Please for heaven sake don't take selfies at your marathon runs or gyms and upload them online.My immediate psychological reaction to that is almost like the puja ki thali dropping scene in bollywood films, the only difference being that I drop my nacho in my cheese dip and let it lie there drowned in the sea of cheddar cheese calories. #StillAMoreHeartWarmingStoryThanTitanic

Having 'sweated' it out on speed -2 on the treadmill I must admit I kinda find it idiotic to see those silly blinking LED completing a circle on the screen as you slog it out. What I would personally find more motivational is that the LEDs blink slowly and soon enough form the shape of a kachori or samosa as you keep jogging. And in the end when you have accomplished your goal of running a few hours on the treadmill the screen ought to read 'You just burned enough calories for a mere lil aloo pakoda, start again' *facepalm*

More often than not you see pics being uploaded with people wearing full on gym gear, with all those Adidas sweat bands, Nike cross fit shoes etc  which is kinda totally cool considering you are gonna spend time staring at your mobile screen while your Pomerian jogs on your behalf on the treadmill.Congrats, you totally nailed it!

That's all for now. Thanks for being patient enough to read this long post before burning my effigies on the road. Do make it a point to share/spam this article on the walls of your fitness freak/ instagram food enthusiast friends by clicking the icons below. Shall be continuing with my thoughts on this social media series.Till we meet again Adios!