Open letter to a foreigner on Indian dining etiquette

Article written exclusively for the India Today group (Click Here)

Dear Foreigner,

Congrats! It's your moment of glory. Finally after much analysis and plotting out innumerable cost versus benefit graphs your desi brown complexioned (read: caramel with a tinge of cocoa, or as we call it on Shaadi.com, wheatish) friend has invited you over for a meal. Please bear in mind food serves as the binding and dividing factor amongst Indians. Innumerable wars and assassinations have been executed for global supremacy amongst South Indian community in the "my idli is softer than yours" conundrum. And it's equally bad in the North where good aloo paratha making abilities in girls could easily give you a winning edge over your peers even if they have Harvard degrees to flaunt when it comes to matrimonial alliances. Now just in case I get stoned to death for being sexist, let me clarify. As a Punjabi I have a soft corner both, for women and aloo parathas but a softer corner for aloo parathas. We are in a "peep into each other's soul" kinda relationship you see.

Before any meal you shall be force fed plenty of fried snacks to kill any potential signs of your appetite with an assortment of two dozen kinds of chutneys to smear them in.

[SPOILER ALERT] - Your host may get offended if you don't dip your snack in his/her favourite chutney.

Now social etiquette demands you play this traditional Indian tug of war game where you ask the gracious hostess to sit down while she insists that she will go to the kitchen to get more delicacies to serve you. You just have to remain and chant the following mantra every alternate minute- "Arey baitho baitho"

"Sit sit..... no no ghar ki hi baat hai..sit sit.... no noo mein abhi gayi aur abhi aaye....sit sit...arey isme formality kya hai sit sit  aap bhi na sharminda karte hai"

Soon you shall be led to the dinner table after a series of frantic SOS calls  from the kitchen  informing you the roti temperature cooling down could be the next fatal sign for the upcoming apocalypse.

Now roti making is an intricate art within itself. Don't believe me?

Statutory warning - Reader discretion is advised before reading the #fun fact below unless you are from Delhi in which case it really doesn't matter considering pushing fellow homo sapiens  into tandoors is a much loved sport out there.

#Fun fact - Portia in the play Julius Caesar killed herself  by swallowing coals in excitement the last time she got her rotis round....#ThingsYourEnglishTeacherNeverToldYou

Just in case you don't aim to score high in the "what kind of asshole are you?" quizzes on Facebook, you might want to appreciate the host's rotis for being softer than fur regardless of how hard they are to break.

If you are eating a rice based meal pour some curry over it and eat it with your  bare hands even if you have to swallow your pride with it. And please don't act all innocent. The last time you foreigners  came to know of this awesome thing called biryani you ripped it apart by branding it as KFC Rizo rice just to fuck around with our desi emotions.

Just in case you find the food too spicy, keep the water bottle next to you and try not to get your face red. Trust me , my friend Indian food has killed no one till date. Of course I  have strategically excluded deaths due to fun indian games like-

"Hey that's a white skinned fellow. Come let's avenge the "teen guna Lagaan" sanction imposed by Britishers upon us few decades ago by stuffing him up with spicy pani puris "

Over the course of the meal keep praising your host with eloquent comments like "Oh I love the colour, texture and composition of your food. The aroma and flavours form a medley by themselves" while reminiscing of Jesus' Last Supper in your head.Remember to finish everything on your plate and bit from the person sitting to you too if he/she is not looking.

Now as you near the end the host will persuade you to  eat more with statements like "don't feel shy. Feel at home" while mentally keeping a count of your roti consumption since the start of the meal.

Now is the time you politely decline them and bid farewell to all lest you want to forgo the chance of getting invited again.

Congratulations.You have nailed it finally.

Yours most cunningly,

Rahul Batra

Disclaimer: The above work is completely fictitious pretty much like the Parsi population in India. In which case do allow me to crack a few #YoDikraSoFat  jokes. Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead is purely coincidental just like how blonde babes seem to pop up out of thin air in Punjabi music videos.

Salman Khan fans trend hashtag #illrideonyou to express their solidarity with drunken driving offenders

(Article featured on FirstPost -Click Here .My humble dedication to the douchebag that Bhai truly is :P No offense.)

#BhaiRoxx

Shortly after the Sydney hostage siege,  in an inspirational show of religious tolerance Australians started trending the hashtag #illridewithyou over twitter globally, thereby declaring their solidarity with Muslims and other religions who maybe worried that they might be targeted because of their religious attire.  

Motivated by this online movement, Salman Khan fans across India resorted to tweeting their own version of it  '#illrideonyou'. Everything looked nice & beautiful till the nation realized they meant it quite literally.

"It was a very logical thing to do, if you ask me.As Indians we seek to make our mark globally. Be it films, sports or business. A hashtag dedicated to spread the message of goodness, peace & drunken driving escapades was the least we could do for him" said Ramesh, a diehard Sallu fan fondly known as @Chinkaras4LyfBitches on Twitter.

Hashtags have often served as a reliable

 medium of social change.The hashtag  #illrideonyou came as a refreshing change to the current trending topics. Since the last few days the nation was busy passionately tweeting  

#3daysforLingaa,#2daysforLingaa  & #1dayforLingaa #JesusDiedForYourSinsIWillDieForMyThalaiva.

The nation wholeheartedly agrees Salman has always taken very active interest in enabling social change through various mediums be it his NGO Being Human or for that matter 'Jai Ho' film in which Bhaiiiii singlehandedly solved more social evils than 3 seasons of Satyamev Jayate put together.

''You tell me the Big Bang explosion was a lie. I'll believe you. You tell me Advani is the only surviving soul who actually saw the dinosaurs getting extinct.I'll still believe you. But never ever ever dare to call Sallu anti social. Bet you didn't get an invite to Arpita Khan's wedding. No wonder you're bitching about him '' said Amit before jumping into an impromptu 'Jumme ki raat hai' dance sequence.

Even though such positive vibes were generated with this pro Sallu campaign, there were certain sections of society who strongly opposed it.Blueline bus owners association which got banned from operating their buses on Delhi's roads few years back were strongly optimistic that the hashtag #illrideonyou should have been used to relaunch their deadly bus services.

In an alternate universe where even Dino Morea is looking forward to relaunch his film career as witnessed in his 'Happy New Year' film cameo, are equally optimistic of the Blueline buses coming back in business in 2015.

Disclaimer : The above work is completely fictitious pretty much like the Parsi population in India. In which case do allow me to crack a few #YoDikraSoFat  jokes. Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead is purely coincidental just like how blonde babes seem to pop up out of thin air in Punjabi music videos.