Monday 22 December 2014

Adios 2014 !!

Shall come up with a new Spanish synonym by next year #kthnxbye

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group- Click Here)

Like all fellow mortals had to succumb to social pressure to put this lousy pic with an optimistic message to give you yet another reason to vomit all over the club in the New Year's bash
WHY? HOW? WTF? I have not even met half of my annual weight loss target.
Incase these are the kind of questions popping up in your mind. Worry not, we're here to help you. It's that time of the year when columnists shall advise their readers on one of the following topics-

a) How to spend the holidays with your loved ones?

b) How to give indirect signals to your loved ones that the 52 piece cutlery set gifted by them for your home is too lavish for its inhabitants namely you & your pomerian.

c) How to gun down the 'we were just passing by your place, so thought we will drop in' kinda guests ?

d) How to camouflage yourself in the numerous facebook status updates & check ins popping up every milliseconds while not celebrating anything.

Pardon me I shall not be able to offer any scholarly responses on the above.
This happens to be that time of the year where you are bombarded with posters all around you like-  

'NEW YRZ  BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS AKA BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE & THARKIS.FREE FISTFIGHTS & 1 LONELY ABDUCTED FIRANG FOR 'INTERNATIONAL FEEL'. BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800-AUNTYPOLICEBULALEGI '
 
December is also the month where homo sapiens use their collective intellectual energies to reminiscence & remind each other of  the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1 -"Hey did you see that video of that dog pushing a cat in the bathtub video.Fuckin awesome bro!"

Guy 2 -  "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower.So awwwww worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 1- "Chal ,chal. Let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh & that Sardar Naagin dance video too."

Now 2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to watch Modiji's receding hairline more than their wife's facial wrinkles. Which is really not a bad deal if you ask me. This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest bumping Arnab Goswami.

Bollywood gave us many profound films this year,

Jai Ho- A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi level chain of good deed doers. Before you know it they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties boasting about their body pains to each other with immense competitive spirit.


A candid pic of Lord SRK & the gorgeous Deepika Padukone hanging around with some struggling actors in the Bollywood flick 'Happy New Year'


Now that I have covered both SRK's & Bhai's film I shall be saved from hate mails unless Jacky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus & die of blood loss consequently.

Speaking of  world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, as a nation we were busy passionately speculating the no of starters at Arpita Khan's wedding.

ALS Ice bucket challenge.Water conservation? WTF does that even mean?
A global trend known as 'ALS Ice bucket challenge' hit social media by storm. This was the time where hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival food waste joint hands together to waste other precious resources ie water.         
"How can you waste rotten tomatoes man? Make Sev Tamatar subzi bro"


Definition-  'Sev Tamatar '- An authentic gujju recipe invented by visionaries in their quest to find some meaning to life in a world void of Tandoori chicken & Reshami kebabs owing to religious concerns.

In other news, little did scientists know that their state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways such as capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red handed.  #true story

Please do maintain safe distance from people whose main New Year plan is pretty much asking other people about their New Year plans.
This is a unique breed of species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles for the holidays while you are still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must reply to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

#ProTip- Machu Picchu is a good reply to shut their mouths & prevent any further interrogation by them considering the prevailing low geographical skills amongst the masses.


That's all for now. Till we meet again next year I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of  2.5 readers & by Valentine's day 2015 might even develop a long distance relationship with them. Beware  :P 

Friday 5 December 2014

The 10 commandments of chartered accountants

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group - Click Here)

The next time you come across a group of smiling CAs like the ones above.Please be assured a multibillion dollar scam is in progress


1) THOU SHALT NOT GET PICS CLICKED  WITHOUT WEARING A SUIT AND POSING AT 45 DEGREE ANGLE-

Accountants have this fetish for posing in suits like no other fellow homo sapiens. They can wear the same suit to their birthday party, wedding & god forbid even in their coffin. Now you might argue that it's the 'professional look' that is the reason behind it. Which made sense till the time lab coat wearing douchebags in Teleshop ads ruined it all up.

2) THOU SHALT TILL ETERNITY SING SONGS PRAISING BILL GATES AND HIS MINIONS FOR CREATING MICROSOFT EXCEL

Harsh truth but amongst the various limitations of Microsoft Excel, the ability to reproduce & form living organisms clearly stands out, otherwise accountants shall be more than happy to abandon all forms of human contact. Being accountants we have this undying thirst for knowledge so much so that we would willingly trade our loved ones in return for learning a new Excel keyboard shortcut or formula. Nonetheless other softwares too come in handy  like Tally,SAGE etc.Now Tally is one such software which defies levels of human boredom. Trust me watching paint dry is far more entertaining than using it.

3) THOU SHALT ALWAYS PUT YOUR CLIENT'S INTEREST BEFORE YOUR'S -

Clients are to be given priority at all times. And leg massages too if  needed. No seriously.

4) THOU SHALT NOT COMPROMISE WITH DOWRY RATES

In a world inhabited by lesser life forms, you are intellectually supreme. Mankind's only hope to show us the the way forward. Agreed, you got your ass busted for passing the exams so demanding an above market dowry rate is but natural. As someone rightly said 'Ask not what you can do for your soulmate, ask what your pop in law can do for you' .Fuck I forgot the quote.

5) THOU SHALT NOT SULK ON BUDGET DAY

Now the nation's budget day is a great leveler of sorts. All news channels are busy running behind economists and bankers for their wise opinions  and not you in spite of your financial prowess. Worry not, Gupta aunty's ugly unwed daughter still cares about your opinion on inner beauty.

6) THOU SHALT SUCK AT MENTAL MATHS-

Since our early days we learn the value of professional skepticism so much so that we reach a stage where we start doubting our basic addition & subtraction skills till the calculator doesn't show the same figure.  

7) THOU SHALT NOT BRING UP TOPICS LIKE INHERITANCE TAX ON FUNERALS

Accountants have a penchant of bringing up the most unlikely topics at public events. In a society once ruled by the norms of social diplomacy , accountants have inborn abilities to shake the very foundation of it. Accountants are a dangerous breed to co-exist with. Just a mere 'Hello' greeting to us would be enough should you at any point require a free 3 hour prologue on 'Save your taxes....legally....ok almost legally' ;)


8) THOU SHALT MAINTAIN CLIENT CONFIDENTIALITY AT ALL TIMES

The funny thing about client confidentiality is while boasting about your clients over tea we inevitably leak out confidential stuff like eg

'Hey did you know Flipkart employs sub Saharan kids for tax exemptions?'

'That construction group I am working on even has prebooked graveyard slots for its ageing board of directors? How considerate of them na? '

'I was going through their books, Fuck man that Country Club guy charged a whooping 50 lakhs to stick his thumb out wearing goggles on national television for the adverts '

9) THOU SHALT BILL THE CLIENT FOR THE HOURS THOU SPENT FACEBOOKING ON THE CLIENT'S WIFI

Worry not, don't feel guilty at all. After Monica Bellucci & Megan Fox you are the greatest gift to humanity after all. You have full rights to charge the client for using FB or downloading movies at the client's premises. They shall be most pleased to pay for your holy rear end that you stuck up on their swivel chair to perform your duties.

10) THOU SHALT NOT DO COOL THINGS EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Parasailing, Sky diving, Bungee jumping etc are for the meek hearted. True courage lies in debating out tax evasion techniques with oldie uncles & emerging victorious.Little does the world know the sheer joy of rattling out tax regulations verbatim at the drop of a hat.



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