Et Tu Haldiram's?

Haldiram's, that one name fills all Indians with pride besides the fact that 34% of Microsoft employees & 36% of NASA employees are Indians as attested by those whatsapp forwards, a numerical fact that has never changed since the past few decades. Why? Because, f**k attrition.

For my international readers, Haldiram's is a big corporate in the F&B segment in India with prominent exports abroad.

Recent reports state that the US regulatory body FDA has declared a ban on majority of Haldiram's products as they were deemed 'unfit' for consumption. A month back Maggi, a product by Swiss food giant Nestle was banned in India by regulatory authorities due to the high lead content found in it after multiple tests. Left with no great choice fellow Indians have Top Ramen Noodles left to drown their sorrows in.

Recognizing Top Ramen Noodles as 'noodles' is potentially the 2nd biggest setback to Indian cuisine in recent years, the first one being Sanjeev Kapoor shaving off his moustache.

It's a known fact that you can add Haldiram's aloo bhujia to any dish under the sun and it will become palatable. It's undoubtedly the aam aadmi's cocaine. Like any outraged customer I marched straight into the kitchen to finish any half eaten packs of Haldiram's snacks so that I could outrage in peace happily ever after.

As a consumer I have braced myself completely, as the worst is yet to come. For all you know the divine Kelloggs Chocos might be adulterated with healthy things like 'soya' or any other satanic substance or for that matter if Frooti gets revealed as basically egg yolk with mango flavouring.

A senior official from Haldiram's commented that "some pesticides are not permitted in USA unlike India and our products are completely safe". Bet Hitler used a similar line to draw consensus for his gas concentration camps

"Gas concentration camps may not be permitted in other countries but they are safe & fool proof, trust me. I successfully eliminated thousands of Jews."

Food contamination in India is acceptable till the time a random westerner wearing a lab coat assures us on national television that what we are consuming is safe. What is a  bigger concern for me is that companies with spooky bunnies as their mascot are allowed to co- exist on the planet without any legal ramifications. No offense, Lijjat Papad.

In the coming days extensive PR campaigns will be run by both Maggi & Haldiram's to pacify their consumer base. I am glad that Haldiram's didn't ever have an A list Bollywood star as a brand ambassador lest the nation would have held him/her to ransom for quality testing issues.

Social media is a potent tool undoubtedly. Within minutes of any product contamination incident your post can get viral. Recently while going through my Facebook timeline I happened to see this picture of a dead cockroach in a chocolate ice cream pack. There were some visionary comments below it like- 

"Bro, they gave you free non veg for the price of pure veg item."

"At least the cockroach didn't end up in a flush. Thug life!"

"Cocoa is main ingredient in chocolate. Most of it comes from Africa, so avoiding anything chocolate related will save you from Ebola."

The way things are heading I am sure down the line some noble soul will publish a nostalgic book with high resolution photo collection of cockroaches who went beyond their call of duty and landed up in various Indian delicacies be it paneer masala, butter chicken etc.

Recently a study in Delhi concluded that street food contains high level of faecal matter. This study indeed raises existential questions on the foodies who suffer from the 'my pani puri guy has more water flavours than yours, Bitch!' syndrome. Death by diarrhea for the while.Off to gorge on some hand sanitizer filled pani puris. Till we meet again, Adios!  

Moor film review

Pakistani cinema is seldom showcased to global audiences. Both India and Pakistan have a shared history and though across news screens both countries are portrayed as arch rivals at a cultural level the bond is inseparable indeed. Pakistani sitcoms, singers, actors etc have gained widespread popularity across India and Bollywood on the other hand has left Pakistani audiences mesmerized over the years. The last Pakistani film I saw was ‘Khuda Ke Liye’ (In the name of God) which was packed with some very powerful performances and a gripping screenplay.  

I was recently invited to the premiere show to review Pakistan’s official submission to the 88^th Academy Awards called ‘Moor’, by the good guys at VOX Cinemas, UAE. I have personally always been a fan of low budget films which convey poignant messages without being pompous. I am pleased to see that VOX Cinemas is lending their support to such films and giving them a well-deserved platform amidst mainstream commercial flicks.

Wahidullah, the station expert of Khost railroad station reluctantly consents to auction the railroad foundation because of political weight and guaranteed budgetary advantages. Wahidullah’s character is played by Hameed Sheikh who comes across as a very refined actor and blends into his Pashtoon character effortlessly. 

In any case, as his child Ahsanullah Khan (Shaz Khan) moves to Karachi, he gets himself laced in the quandary of not relinquishing what is inalienably his (the railroads) and grasping the hope for a better tomorrow.

The basic yet insightful execution of this story makes sit glued to your seats till the very end.

The profound comprehension of the social issue, coupled by capable exhibitions compensate for the inconveniences as the film advances.

 Hameed Sheikh's trip from complete rational soundness to anxiety is not just reflected through his quick maturing post-emergencies, additionally the unpretentious splendor with which his idiosyncrasies turn out to be more hesitant with time. The flashback scenes between him and his late wife attest the moral dilemma that he is confronted with. It’s hard to part away with your memories for money.

Shaz Khan adjusts the Pushtoon complement easily while keeping up his poise. Abdul Qadir as Baggu Baba ends up being the highlight of the film. Baggu has an extremely ridiculous state of mind towards things yet doesn't let the viewer mistake him for a comedian. The most extraordinary part of Qadir's depiction of Baggu is that he really serves as the ethical compass of the story yet never attests it.  

A pic of the endearing Baggu

The supporting cast has done a decent job in playing their respective roles. Samiya Mumtaz’s acting came out as a bit too spooky for this kind of a feel good film. The other lead actress, Sonya Hussain made a sincere attempt to portray her character and played it well indeed. However at the screenplay level, Sonya Hussain’s multiple abrupt entries throughout the film as a moral custodian were a bit annoying to watch and steered the audiences away from the free flowing storyline.

There are a lot of magnificence shots in the film offering the Pushtoon belt of Balochistan as a conceivable traveler spot for whatever is left of the world.

The soundtrack of the film when heard in separation appears to be something out of the Strings' Coke Studio yet gives a spine-chilling background when collaborated with snowcapped mountains. One of the noteworthy tracks is ‘Eva’ sung by Meesha Shafi. It’s a very peppy and addictive track indeed. Talaabgaar song by Javed Bashir is yet another mesmeric track.

All things considered, Jami figures out how to draw off the incomprehensible with Moor. He concedes us a genuine Pakistani film sans being grandiose or sermonizing and makes the much rustic and rural idea of 'affection for your country' moving for urban groups of onlookers. This stunning passionate excursion highlights the lost occupation in Balochistan as well as gives us trust that Pakistani silver screen won't just be taken as an expansion of Bollywood.

Rating-  4.5/5 stars
Recommendation- Must Watch!!

Cinema Partner-

Now showing exclusively at VOX Cinemas across the UAE. Click here for show timings.

#Moor  #VOXCinemas

To read my humour articles Click here