Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Open letter to a foreigner on Indian dining etiquette

Article written exclusively for India Today group (Click Here)
Dear Foreigner,

Congrats! It's your moment of glory. Finally after much analysis and plotting out innumerable cost versus benefit graphs your desi brown complexioned (read: caramel with a tinge of cocoa, or as we call it on Shaadi.com, wheatish) friend has invited you over for a meal. Please bear in mind food serves as the binding and dividing factor amongst Indians. Innumerable wars and assassinations have been executed for global supremacy amongst South Indian community in the "my idli is softer than yours" conundrum. And it's equally bad in the North where good aloo paratha making abilities in girls could easily give you a winning edge over your peers even if they have Harvard degrees to flaunt when it comes to matrimonial alliances. Now just in case I get stoned to death for being sexist, let me clarify. As a Punjabi I have a soft corner both, for women and aloo parathas but a softer corner for aloo parathas. We are in a "peep into each other's soul" kinda relationship you see.

Before any meal you shall be force fed plenty of fried snacks to kill any potential signs of your appetite with an assortment of two dozen kinds of chutneys to smear them in.

[SPOILER ALERT] - Your host may get offended if you don't dip your snack in his/her favourite chutney.

Now social etiquette demands you play this traditional Indian tug of war game where you ask the gracious hostess to sit down while she insists that she will go to the kitchen to get more delicacies to serve you. You just have to remain and chant the following mantra every alternate minute- "Arey baitho baitho"

"Sit sit..... no no ghar ki hi baat hai..sit sit.... no noo mein abhi gayi aur abhi aaye....sit sit...arey isme formality kya hai sit sit  aap bhi na sharminda karte hai"

Soon you shall be led to the dinner table after a series of frantic SOS calls  from the kitchen  informing you the roti temperature cooling down could be the next fatal sign for the upcoming apocalypse.

Now roti making is an intricate art within itself. Don't believe me?

Statutory warning - Reader discretion is advised before reading the #fun fact below unless you are from Delhi in which case it really doesn't matter considering pushing fellow homo sapiens  into tandoors is a much loved sport out there.

#Fun fact - Portia in the play Julius Caesar killed herself  by swallowing coals in excitement the last time she got her rotis round....#ThingsYourEnglishTeacherNeverToldYou

Just in case you don't aim to score high in the "what kind of asshole are you?" quizzes on Facebook, you might want to appreciate the host's rotis for being softer than fur regardless of how hard they are to break.

If you are eating a rice based meal pour some curry over it and eat it with your  bare hands even if you have to swallow your pride with it. And please don't act all innocent. The last time you foreigners  came to know of this awesome thing called biryani you ripped it apart by branding it as KFC Rizo rice just to fuck around with our desi emotions.

Just in case you find the food too spicy, keep the water bottle next to you and try not to get your face red. Trust me , my friend Indian food has killed no one till date. Of course I  have strategically excluded deaths due to fun indian games like-

"Hey that's a white skinned fellow. Come let's avenge the "teen guna Lagaan" sanction imposed by Britishers upon us few decades ago by stuffing him up with spicy pani puris "

Over the course of the meal keep praising your host with eloquent comments like "Oh I love the colour, texture and composition of your food. The aroma and flavours form a medley by themselves" while reminiscing of Jesus' Last Supper in your head.Remember to finish everything on your plate and bit from the person sitting to you too if he/she is not looking.

Now as you near the end the host will persuade you to  eat more with statements like "don't feel shy. Feel at home" while mentally keeping a count of your roti consumption since the start of the meal.

Now is the time you politely decline them and bid farewell to all lest you want to forgo the chance of getting invited again.
Congratulations.You have nailed it finally.
Yours most cunningly,
Rahul Batra

Disclaimer: The above work is completely fictitious pretty much like the Parsi population in India. In which case do allow me to crack a few #YoDikraSoFat  jokes. Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead is purely coincidental just like how blonde babes seem to pop up out of thin air in Punjabi music videos.

Friday, 31 October 2014

A Desi survivor's guide to Halloween


So we have finally reached month end.It's October end.Now October is what one would usually associate with the Oktoberfest ie that part of the year where westerners get to act like alcohol deprived Gujjus.For reasons beyond my control, Oktoberfest has not made its debut in India but who cares  you know, we got Sunburn Festival ie that festival where all music enthusiasts jointly assemble in Goa and smoke pot together & jointly discuss the nuances of music while being sloshed.

So recently Halloween has apparently caught attention of fellow Desis in India.

Desi Survivor's guide to Halloween for Desis

Step 1- Making a Jack -O -Latern prototype

As any of your amreeekaan cousins might vouch for, Halloween is incomplete without a Jack-O-Lantern which is basically an 'ameero ka diya' ie 'Rich guys lamp.'So traditionally the westerners take a much hated veggie ie pumpkin and carve a weird face on it. But we being and pioneers of jugaad shall add a personal touch to it.So just to fuck around with the gora folks we being Indians ,the pioneers of zero, iron chained mugs in train loos & god knows how many other glorious contributions to the world in general shall come out with the Lauki -O -Lantern.All right ! Calm down.Before you all outrage 'Hey dude ! What's with you & your lauki jokes.Never seem to end.'

You are free to innovate with other vegetables too . Now comes the next question, why this holy deviation from the much loved pumpkin. Pumpkin was used as Cinderella's carriage. For the sake of my next gen younger readers who were busy contributing to the nation's development by emptying hair gel bottles on every strand of their hair  & who might not be aware what Cinderella was all about, I shall elaborate indeed. Cinderella in short is a story set in the pre Shaadi.com era where one had to actually hunt for grooms.

 
Cinderella was this manglik chick whom no one would marry until & unless she exchanged vows  with a cactus or something first. Apparently there was a marwadi community meet & greet event a few blocks down the road where aunties would display their sons one by one on a ramp walk & their dowry rates & educational qualifications would flash on a projector screen alongside .Now poor lil Cindrella wasn't allowed to attend it. The town's rich ass prince let's name him Siddharth Mallya for the time being was dumped by the other chicks in town coz his dad was broke & he was a douchebag but mostly because he was a douchebag .So Siddharth finally found Cindrella whom he convinced to marry him giving her hope that his fortunes would revive some day in an Arjun Rampalish kinda fashion.
And they lived happily ever after.

Now if you would ask me where did the inspiration behind Lauki -O-Lantern arose. please read below.We have all grown up seeing the 'Pimp my ride' show on Mtv where they take a random car & fill it with LCD plasma screens EVERYWHERE to a point where the car owner goes like 'Bro calm the fuck down.Please spare the windscreen yo.I gotto see the road not your LCD.''

Now the indian equivalent of Pimp my ride is affixing a Lord Ganesha mini figurine on the car bonnet which a mini button on the side which after pressing would lead to LEDs being activated & Lord Ganesha in a discotheque situation & monotonous bhajans on loop mode bhajans instead of the dubstep music. Lord Ganesha be like ''dude the fourth LED from the right just conked off thus exponentially reducing my oomph factor.Please fix asap. ''

Step 2- Selecting a spooky costume

Now unlike the west where there is a scramble for spooky stuff & props you really don't have to stress out too much out here. All you need is to ring up your next door Sindhi/Gujju friend & specifically utter the following morse code

'Party wear needed for evening.Keep it classy'

And voila within a few hours you shall have the most outrageous dress which could be any fluorescent shade under the sun to polka dots & everything in between.This is the surprise element you see.Now all you need is a bit of pathetic makeup to go with your dress & you are ready to go.

ProTip- Putting those face packs enriched with watermelon, peach , tea tree oil & a tinge of cow dung for that earthly touch should work the trick.

Step 3- Trick or treat mania

Trick or treat might sound quite cool thing to do in USA. It's basically kinda a mini warning where kids go house to house warning people to straight away give them candies otherwise expect some pranks in return .

For heavensake DO NOT TRY THIS IN INDIA coz all you might have noble intentions but people generally don't.So before you even  finish the 'Hello aunty,Trick or treat' dialogue you shall be packed off to Kota,Rajasthan for IIT JEE classes irrespective of your consent.

And lets for a minute assume we live in an ideal world.Not sure if you will get any 'treats' but you shall definitely get many of those Dominoes oregano & chilly flakes sachets which every Desi family religiously saves up in bulk lest the country faces any starvation threat in the near future.

Step 4- Social etiquette at Halloween parties

Now incase you haven't finished settling your scores with all your neighbours  over that larger than life ugly show piece they gifted you on Diwali, you might have a few friends that might invite you over for Halloween parties. Now these parties are an equalizer of some sorts as everyone looks equally outrageous so you do stand a good chance of attracting the opposite gender without being slapped. Since the whole concept revolves around scaring the shit out of other folks, making the sounds Bengali ladies do during weddings to invoke spirits might come in handy. Please note as much you might desire but dressing up as Goddess Kaali does NOT count as Halloween costume.And 

With this come to the end of our Desi guide to surviving Halloween. Incase you do survive this Halloween by following these, do send me your selfies from the ICU after you get beaten up black & blue by your well-wishers  . Shall be happy to send you a get well soon bouquet & card.


Do click the 'Home Alone' tab at the top of the page to view past blog posts incase you wish to curse me cumulatively ;) 

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Of armpits & butterflies


A few days back I happened to come across a very poignant advert on my T.V screen.Before I begin my discourse would request my fan following of 3 readers to watch the YouTube video below.
video

This video made me ask a few existential questions-
1) Is it ok to flaunt your armpits?

2) When was the last time I came across 'Love is……having good looking armpits' pic on Facebook? 





3) Do butterflies have like an inner bias for armpits than blooming flowers or something?
Almost imagined Martin Luther King going like ‘I have a dream…. Kids in my country will be born with glowing armpits’. Coz at the end of it all racism boils down to 'my armpit is better than yours' at some level or the other.

Blame it on the marketing whiz kids for projecting glowing armpits as a day to day necessity. Necessity is the mother of invention.For all you know maybe there is a deeper vision to it .In a country full of brown people  we could do with a few glowing armpits?

 Aesthetic fairness market is one of the biggest market across India.Which is no big deal, considering as Indian we like our Gods to be fair too (both literally & figuratively). When was the last time you came across an average brown skinned Sri Ram on your TV screen?? No right?. Coz till the time they don't show Shri Ram after emptying one of those gigantic pink coloured Ponds powder bottles on his face the nation might go on a hunger strike or something.


Pond's - making Indians look like social misfits since 1947

It's fun seeing all the male characters in these religious TV serials are more waxed up than the heroines. Almost make the heroines seem manly .

Mankind has successfully developed creams to make every body part look fair . In a nation plagued with so many issues poverty,illiteracy etc we invested our resources in making arm pit whitening creams so MNCs could make big bucks preaching to the nation how being dark complexioned could hinder in your path of making it 'big in life' ( or as my Delhi folks call it 2 BHK flat in Gurgaon with inbuilt sauna bath effectively utilized to dry underwears coz dry underwears is what wellness is all about atleast if you have ever lived in a hostel.But will talk of my victorious  adventures of drying my wet underwears during the rainy season in some other blogpost. Shall leave you with the suspense for the time being ;) Yes, I am your next door Satan indeed! :P

Nowadays you have creams with random ingredients- Cucumber peels, Lemon extracts, Peach extracts etc. I feel it's high time all these big shot MNCs play with our emotions & come up with glitzy campaigns 'Come fall in love with Lauki like never before'  For my younger readers Lauki (definition)- A green coloured vegetable called bottle gourd which is well endorsed my Indian mums as the next potential cure for cancer & stuffed down screaming throats generation after generation coz of it's pseudo healing powers.



Lauki- Destroying appetites since the evolution of mankind



If you ask me when God was creating the universe bet he went like 'Hey let's just fuck around with the human species. Lets create make divine things like Cola & Lauki co exist side by side on the planet & spread the rumour Lauki juice has healing properties'

And also would love to have creams filled with goodness of Dal Makhni or the healing effects of Paneer Do Pyaza.This is what the need of the hour is if you ask me.
But there is these particular breed of shoppers called 'MEN' which these marketing whiz kids can seldom seduce into buying their products. For shoppers like me when I need to select any cream or shampoo I open the lid & go by the smell. Yes you read that right.Had this tragic incident when a family member got me a  'Nivea non fragrance face wash' which I haven't used till date coz fragrance is the only reason I would buy such a product.The stars never seem to be in my favour.

My affair  with beauty products began at a young age, when in kindergarten half a packet of rouge was smudged on both my cheeks coz I had to perform on stage. And coz kids with pink patches on their cheeks were socially accepted as 'adorable kids' regardless of their looks.


You find any & every product of known and unknown evils - Face packs, Finger nail naturalizers,Buttock softners,Navel  moisturizers etc. (k fine had to make up some names due to peer pressure)
When it comes to confusing the masses, it's an art which these companies have mastered over time. Figure the list below -
Dry skin lotion - Rs 80
Dry skin for the not so wet kinda epidermis lotion - Rs 120
(Which both mean the same thing but who cares till we have created a new product line)
Dry skin with the curvy kinda hair follicles lotion -Rs 160
Dry skin with the wet sticky hair follicles lotion  - Rs 200
This so called 'value addition' process will go on till eternity or till Jesus resurrects back on earth & breaks a Lauki into two with bare hands coz converting water to wine is just too mainstream. Till we meet again.Adios!!
Disclaimer- I received no monetary compensation or blackhead removers from any of the brands mentioned despite repeated requests to them.Shall be chucking away my shampoo & instead using my soap bar to clean my hair in protest from henceforth sincerely hoping neither the earth stops revolving nor does my lifespan decrease for this holy sin of mine (atleast in every MNC marketing chief's head).

Friday, 19 September 2014

Book bucket challenge conundrum


I recently had the privilege of being selected as the privileged few to boast my intellectual supremacy or rather the lack of it on Facebook i.e got nominated for the book bucket challenge. Now unlike the ALS ice bucket challenge which seeks to raise awareness pf a chronic disease, the book bucket challenge is more of a competition somewhat like the ones which Delhi aunties indulge in every now & then- 'My Loueeees Vuitton is better than yours'. 



Louis Vuitton- Uniting Delhi aunties since 1947


Social decorum demands you list out a few books that have influenced your life which is kinda cute coz given whether you read Chetan Bhagat or Shakespeare in your teenage days really makes a hell of a difference to my existence on the planet. Pasting my ultra long Facebook status below. Happy reading. 


Firstly a big thanks to Hiral Raval for choosing me for the book challenge & making my fingers go numb typing out such a long article.
*inserts a few other fake pleasantries while cursing her under his breath :P*



Mandatory book pic due to intense peer pressure


So here goes my list of top 10 books that have had a profound influence on me throughout my life (in no particular order coz all are equally pointless) -

1) Tinkle Double Digest Vol 2 - This book is of utmost significance to mankind coz it is in this book that Kapish the clever monkey uses his mental skills to beat the shit out of Peelu the tiger.And also coz 'Peelu' is JUST the kinda name a tiger would like to be named as after birth.

2) Spicejet inflight magazine- Never read any articles in them (I am always too busy giving live status updates u see) but it's still a great magazine considering that Spicejet is cheap enough & doesn't give you any menu card so u HAVE to look into the magazine to see the meal options available.They have a shitty weekly chart & it gives me great pleasure to inform you that contrary to popular belief 'tindey ki subzi' features on none of the days.

*does a victory run & loses a few calories by mistake *

3) Wren & Martin English Grammar - This book is possibly the 2nd most holiest book in any Punjabi household after the Guru Granth Sahib considering that if u have the ability to master it no force known to man can stop you from settling as permanent illegal immigrants in AMKREEEEEEKAAAA, Canada or South Hall. Barely opened the book once or twice but had got it from the book store mainly due to the 'Wren & Martin nahi li toh log kya kahenge?' peer pressure which is quite common in Indian households.

4) Principles of Accounts- Class 12 ISC Boards- This was one book which made me realise that my true calling was accounts. ‪#‎FML‬ and one fine day in my head I went like 'Hey I could make some money hatching eggs on MS Excel all my life' ‪#‎ShitCharteredAccountantsWillNeverTellYou‬

5) Introduction to Indian Taxation 1st year B.com- This was another great book which was so boring as hell that it inspired me to venture into humour writing all together. All lectures I attended for this subject were spent writing articles in my notebooks only to realise a day before the exam that I had more humour articles than any Taxation related notes in my notebook after which the process of sourcing notes written by the nerdy ones began to pass the exams.

6) Class 12 ISC History textbook- Now this another all time favourite book & I highly doubt if I left any picture on which I had NOT made speech bubbles with random dialogues or drew silly stuff on faces of historic leaders.It's kinda lovely how Congress gets declared an illegal organization precisely after every 2.5 pages by the British. And mind you this book was real thick in size.Lost count of the no of Gandhi jokes I wrote in those pages.Indian history is pretty hilarious when you go into depth. Thanks for reminding me I need to write a series of articles with my thoughts on it too.

7) Lenovo laptop troubleshooting guide- This is one book I have saved since almost 1.5 yrs now hoping that it will help me in my time of need.Sometime last year my screen conked off and with great excitement I opened to the page for laptop screen issues. It had a nice flow chart diagram and it went something like-
If your laptop screen display doesn't work-

Step 1- switch the power button on and off 
(which is perfectly fine considering that there are millions of IT tech support guys around the world whose livelihood depends on this one instruction)

Step 2- Put the laptop lid up and then down

Step 3- Dance around a bonfire wearing leaves with black & red stripes smeared across your face & try evoking the heavenly spirits

Step 4- Bastard, take your laptop to the nearest service station where a customer service representative will be more than happy to keep you waiting for 1.5 hours while she finishes her minesweeper game on her desktop.

8) IKEA yearly home catalogue- This helps me a realize what an Indian household ought to look like in an alternate universe. And also helps to let me concentrate my thoughts on existential issues like 'Bro, why don't these IKEA people sell aggarbatti stands too? Fuckin racists  '

9) Emirates Driving Institute Driving manual - Now this book contains all guidelines and tips to driving safe on the roads out here. Cunningly enough they didn't include important tips like for eg when you are in a mall's parking and there is a huge line of cars waiting behind you to take your space.An ideal driver should get the fuck out of there asap but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dubai drivers wait for half an hour keeping the rear red lights ON & play a game of two of Antakshari or Dumb Charades in their car and then leave the spot while keeping the whole line of cars behind them confused if they plan to vacate the spot or not. Sadly enough my proposal of making this manual into a full fledged comic series without charging a single penny in royalties got turned down. I know it's a very heartbreaking tale indeed. 

10) The Orient Longman School Atlas- Back in school days it helped me a lot in my in my Geography papers which were exams where they would give you a map of India and make you mark random irrelevant stuff like - mark 3 places where Iron & lignite reserves are found. In retrospect I think it would have made a lot more sense if they would have asked socially relevant questions to mark on India's map like 'mark 5 places where Bacardi NH7 Weekender is held ' or 'mark 2 places where Aamir Khan's weeping poster of Satyamev Jayte was not put up' or 'mark 6 places where the Kingfisher calendar with those beauties is shot'

That's all for now. I guess now you have a deeper insight into the books that inspired me! I hereby nominate Ravina Mekan, Gayathri Velu ,Urvish Subodh , Dharti Shah to choose their top 10 books........& try NOT to hate me guys lest my karmic balance tumbles 

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Social media Deconstructed - Part 1



Mankind has reached the stage of nirvana. We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. So it's but natural photographing  insects sitting on leaves with ultra zoom lenses became socially acceptable.Though photography page owners on Facebook you still disappoint me with no pics of cockroaches playing hide and seek on kitchen cutlery with  philosophical quotes like 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars' coz on an average day it's things like these that brighten up my morning.

1) Food -

Gone are the days when just clicking pics with Ronald McDonald abroad to show off to fellow indians back home was a moment of national pride.But globalization took over shortly and all big brands started coming in to Mother India.Before you could figure out what was happening they even came up with local variants McPaneer (coz calling it McWhiteFriedPiecesOfRubber would offend cows & indians but mostly the cows), McAlooTikki ( or as McDonald's describes it a mouth-watering potato patty infused with  Indian spices so scarce to find that the British would have ruled for 300 more years in India had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan )


Instagram took over mankind and newsfeeds got spammed left right and centre with pics of food. Each competing against one another.

'My Dal Makhni has more coriander leaves than yours.Fuck you! I win !

Pro tip- If your dish doesn't look good photogenic enough, garnish the hell out of it with whatever you find in the kitchen.This will serve 2 purposes

a) It will help camouflage your ugly looking dish.


b) It helps create a positive vibe amongst your guests who get deceived by the looks of it only to realize their folly shortly enough much like The Last Supper

(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like  'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )

Instagram coz eating eats unmelted ice cream is just too mainstream

There are some unsaid rules too.You are not a self respecting Indian in Canada if you don't get a pic clicked with a Tim Hortons coffee cup.Sometimes genuinely think if that is like one of the hidden immigration rules policy out there.

All thanks to this flood of food pics all 
over my newsfeed I have finally learned big big words which I shall try my level best to decipher for my readership.

Connoisseur- A fancy term used as a face saving device when food tastes raw.Coz you see calling a person halwai on his face is just too mainstream.

Gourmet- A very well thought drafted by the broke guys in the food industry  after collaborating with marketing guys to rip your wallets for serving the same food ofcourse with a touch of gourmet.......

Vada Pav- 15 Rs, Gourmet Vada Pav- 120 Rs

Green Salad - 30 Rs  ,Gourmet Green Salad tossed with cracked pepper with a tinge of lemon & tossed yet again this time with a dash of olive oil & farm fresh iceberg lettuce leaves greener than Hulk's rear end & juicy tomatoes so red in colour blood seems fake- Rs 150

Aficionado - Not gonna lie, googled the term to get the right spelling.According to the dictionary it means someone who is devoted to something which is totally kinda cool coz in daily life I go around telling people 'Yo bro , you are such a Shera Vali Maata aficionado'. & yes I am going to hell for trolling my own religion. You're welcome!


2) Health & wellness-

You can always depend on my fellow Punjabi clan to mince around with words. In your mom's  eyes you are never really fat, you are always 'healthy'.As a 'healthy' guy I find it very adorable Lee Cooper comes out with 'skinny' jeans in XL size.Makes you feel all the more loved right?


What pisses me off to the core is health related stuff flooding on my newsfeed/Twitter timeline.Shall share a few examples below to refresh your memory-

'Clocked in 40 min cardio , 33 min push ups & 20 min power jogging- Feeling refreshed'

'2 hours of 'Power' Yoga'- Feeling Rejuvenated
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)

'10 km early morning jog, muscles ache but I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep #100HealthyDays'
(Pro tip- No offense but I'd rather make some money throwing newspapers in people's balconies than running around for free. )

In all honesty I have burned more calories getting pissed off at your health related status updates than actually working out. When I had started going to the gym (somewhere around the time where Zumba was in trend which was quintessentially 'ameero ka bhangra' Translation- Bhangra for the elite' '

I had gone to the gym filled with optimism and expected to see hot babes sweating & having ice cool lemonade you know like the kinds they show in movies. But I was betrayed............. all I got to see was uncles wearing shiny neon green vests with fat hairy thighs moving around in shorts desperately trying to add to the sensuality & oomph factor in the gym premises.Clearly it was the darkest day 
in the history of my life, so much so that I gave up on the concept of fitness all together.

Day 1- An average next door blonde chick (Nope not talking of my locality.I am cursed by the stars u see).
Day 90- A sturdy Haryanvi Jaat JUST in 3 months!  #ReasonEnough2AvoidGym


Please for heaven sake don't take selfies at your marathon runs or gyms and upload them online.My immediate psychological reaction to that is almost like the puja ki thali dropping scene in bollywood films, the only difference being that I drop my nacho in my cheese dip and let it lie there drowned in the sea of cheddar cheese calories. #StillAMoreHeartWarmingStoryThanTitanic


Having 'sweated' it out on speed -2 on the treadmill I must admit I kinda find it idiotic to see those silly blinking LED completing a circle on the screen as you slog it out. What I would personally find more motivational is that the LEDs blink slowly and soon enough form the shape of a kachori or samosa as you keep jogging. And in the end when you have accomplished your goal of running a few hours on the treadmill the screen ought to read 'Bhencho, you just burned enough calories for a mere lil aloo pakoda, start again' *facepalm*

More often than not you see pics being uploaded with people wearing full on gym gear, with all those Adidas sweat bands, Nike cross fit shoes etc  which is kinda totally cool considering you are gonna spend time staring at your mobile screen while your Pomerian jogs on your behalf on the treadmill.Congrats, you totally nailed it!

That's all for now. Thanks for being patient enough to read this long post before burning my effigies on the road. Do make it a point to share/spam this article on the walls of your fitness freak/ instagram food enthusiast friends by clicking the icons below. Shall be continuing with my thoughts on this social media series.Till we meet again Adios! 

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

To Goa with love


The year is 1497. Vasco Da Gama JUST cleared his class 12 board exams and like every other day he went on a conquest of self discovery deep within. Who knew 3 cans of beer was all it would take.


Like every other foreign invader Vasco Da Gama came to visit India as a 'tourist' & one fine day thought 'Hey we might look like a hybrid between Latinos & Greeks but so what let's rule these bitches!'.And that is how the Portuguese conquest in India started & my hopes of making it to the passing mark in high school History exam ended. 


 However history textbooks still believe that Vasco Da Gama came to India for it's spices & NOT to puke outside beachside shacks across Goa's coastline.You take your pick. Kinda sad MDH masala uncle greeted him on Indian shores ready to  jump into a song & dance sequence over a pack of Chunky Chaat Masala. Apologies Vasco Da Gama, I feel you bro! :'(



India's answer to Vasco Da Gama.In my head I can imagine George Clooney lonely without chicks but this guy NEVERRR #InMDHMasalasWeTrust
   


Recently I had the opportunity to visit Goa for the first time.So it is but natural that I would dedicate an article to this wonderful place.


Statutory Disclaimer: My college days were spent in a dry state called Gujarat & in an alcohol rehab fondly known as Ahmedabad.College days were spent getting drunk with Amul Kool milk bottles & our 'happening' night life started & ended with going out late night for a cup of tea at a roadside kitli  #FML #ThankYouModi .So yes feel free to have your laughs.



The thing about Goa is that it gives you answers to many existential  questions about life like-


 1) Is it okay to walk into a funeral service wearing Hawaiian pattern bermudas?


2) Did Jesus sacrifice his life only to get featured in selfies with people making pout faces? 


3) Is it okay if you would love your country to get invaded a few times more till the time hot bikini clad foreign chicks run in slow motion across beaches. 


(Fun fact -An average Goa beach is nothing more than India's biggest gathering of dudes wearing Rupa underwears trying to hit upon that 1 solitary foreign chick sunbathing on the beach.Who says India is not competitive?  :P 


We're racist & we know it Yo!


Goa gives you the best of natural beauty(i.e beaches) and manmade beauty (i.e blonde babes) technically speaking ofcourse ;)  Since I happened to go during the off season monsoon period I shit you not , the ONLY blonde thing I saw in my whole trip was that sniffer dog at the airport. *weeps*



A spice plantation tour is a big tourist attraction in Goa. Like every loyal tourist I too booked a tour for it. It's a 1.5 hour long tour where they make you walk through the plantations stopping by random plants & telling you medicinal properties of each plant (more passionately than the  broke guy wearing lab coat in those Asian Sky Shop ads).  While this educational tour keeps going on people are generally busy scratching their arm pits and other controversial body parts to entertain themselves.Towards the end of the tour I was so expecting the tour guide to go like ''and now the moment you have all been waiting for.It's my honour to show you my weeeeeeeeeeeeeeed plantations (apologies for the extra e letters, you see just 'thinking' about drugs get me all high & shit :P ) ''. Unfortunately it never happened. :(



Goa is filled with many local garment & accessories shops. The standard operating procedure out there is that the moment you walk into a shop the sales guy will scan you from top to bottom just to see if you are a -
1) A hippie


2) A wannabe hippie in other words a Delhi Punju guy


3) A natural hippie i.e Gujjus & Sindhi folks you're welcome! Wearing those bright fluorescent coloured shirts clearly worked in your favour.


4) Aam Aadmi
Needless to say I couldn't make it to the cut and fell straight into the 4th category & was shown the aam aadmi stuff. :(


Goa  happens to be the 2nd most popular honeymoon destination after Shimla which makes complete sense coz in Shimla it's practically not possible to draw a heart shape in wet beach sand and write your name & your beloved partner's name & occasionally the dowry amount within the heart shape. Awwwwwww How romantic :P  


Goa is filled with so many historic spots and churches and temples.  
' As you can see to my left is that sanctimonious spot where Saint *inserts random Christian name* smoked pot a century ago.' - Things your tour guide never told you


The funny part about many historical churches out there is that once you enter you can take pictures of random walls or pigeons making out on windows but you simply CANNOT take pics with family & friends.



 Adios for now, gotto go & upload a 'Mah Goa Trip Bitchezz' Fb album.Do share the article online by clicking the icons below or at atleast have the courtesy to print it & wrap your pakodas in it.
 
 
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Saturday, 28 June 2014

E-commerce saves the day


It's  been long since mankind discovered fire by rubbing stones together.Which was proof enough of the depths fellow homo sapiens could go to smoke weed. Cleverly they camouflaged it in history textbooks  with scholarly theories of how it was discovered as a means of 'protection & keeping warm' & not to forget lavish barbeque spreads. Still believe many gujjus are busy lighting fire with stones to save electricity bills.

We have managed to transform since that age.Technological advancement has helped us answer many real world challenges like broadcasting to the world & outer world every 2.5 mins that you are sitting in the business class lounge of an airline  or be it instagramming that dal fry you made after worshiping Sanjeev Kapoor & his clan (for bringing out fancy names like Lauki Quesadillas to stuff down Indian throats) & after a dozen hashtags uploaded it on Facebook  #homemade #cooking #shooking  #desi #fun  #OMG-My-mom- might-just-marry- me-off-to-someone-for-making-this  which you eventually threw down the bin  because it tasted less of dal and more of disappointment.

E-commerce is something that surrounds us in totality.Everything is going 'e'.  

I don't know but on all occasions like New Year ,birthdays etc I get spammed with emails in my inbox trying to prick on my emotions and force me to send gifts to relatives that meet me once every 2 decades only to come out with  philosophical lines such as  "Beta, you have grown so old . You remember the last time I met you failed to recognize all body parts and hence almost got disowned by your parents for humiliating them in front of all other family members?"

(Fun Facts- In India it is a common household tradition to entertain your guests by testing your infant kid's IQ level by asking simple questions like Beta where is your nose?, Beta,show aunty your atrioventricular valve?)

 
And all this while you thought posing with eyes filled up with truckloads of kajal was the only humble duty of Indian infants

I don't know what's wrong with Indian web portals but since when did we Indians start celebrating Thanksgiving Day. The closest form of Thanksgiving celebrated in India is possibly when you pass on your unwanted gifts to your loved ones (fondly known as near & dear ones to express your fake affection) & receive their unwanted gifts in return on Diwali.This never ending cycle of 'love' continues till one fine day someone walks into the other ones Diwali party and humbly proclaims that dahi vadas were hard & thereby face a  Swadeshi movement equivalent boycott at all future Diwali parties.      

(Desi Pro tip #42-Abuse us,abuse our clan, abuse our gods, but do not fuckin pass comments on the softness of our dahi vadas or idlis)

Feelings ought to be genuine. Shopping should remain a very personal experience.

Instead of the clich├ęd  lines like 'users also bought  the following products',  would love to see pop up windows like 'Mrs Gupta next door also chose to trade her mother in law's kidneys for the following products '

or maybe

'This New Year make a refreshing start, Gift a comode to your loved ones' (#ShitJustGotReal) 

Needless to say my marketing skills could never be utilized for the world's greater good. :( :'(

Cash on Delivery concept is one big boon to India considering the Indian need for fighting tooth and nail negotiating a product's price to the lowest rates for an hour & finally not even buying it & justifying it with excuses like 'Iska rang thoda gaudy hai'.And all this while you were under the false illusion that the 4 Ps of marketing concept was all encompassing & took Indian aunties into consideration.

 The last time India lost it's collective shit online was on the IRCTC website which besides helping you book your railway tickets online also gave you a chance time travel till the time you reached the payment screen.

 Nowadays we have Domino's online pizza ordering service where you can actually track your pizza order in real time which so uber cool. You can track your order right from the time they place toppings on hard as steel pizza base till it's out from the oven partially burnt or as the marketing whiz kids call it 'barbecued Mexican Old style' pizza.  As an Indian it fills me with immense pride indeed when I ping  the website to get my estimated delivery time only to get a 'ladka nikal gaya hai' message flash on my laptop screen in bold letters.Sincerely believe that one day I would become a millionaire after hoarding all those oregano seasonings & chilli flakes sachets over the years.

Like it or not e-commerce is here to stay.


Spending the rest of the year starting my online bootlegging business in Gujarat region.As Batman would put 'Gotham err Gujarat needs me '
Till we meet again Adios!!


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