Saturday, 22 March 2014

To France with love.......(Pour france avec de L'Amour)


Writing after almost a month. Overwhelmed with all the fabulous feedback I keep getting every now & then like 'Delete the blog bitch!',  & also massive respect for the guy who wrote a letter in someone else's blood coaxing me to give up writing. Sorry folks that ain't gonna happen :P

And as always it's only when you are filled with enough anger within that you turn up to express your frustration by writing  or in other cases by uprooting hand pumps like Sunny Deol has managed to do so elegantly over the years much to the delight of the water irrigation department.

As Indians, Europe has always held a special place in our hearts thanks to our actresses dancing in chiffon sarees on snow capped peaks & Govinda & Karishma Kapoor reducing India's tourism revenues by a quarter with their outrageous dance moves out there.


So we all know of the great French revolution where the great king Louis XVI who made the country bankrupt & finally a hero emerged, Napolean Bonaparte who was like the Arvind Kejriwal of his time. Napolean Bonaparte couldn't see all this injustice happen infront of his eyes and one fine day induced with anger he went like 'Bhencho, here I don't have money to get a hair transplant  done to camouflage my receding hairline @Dr Batra's  & these bitches are busy buying diamond necklaces with tax payer money'.
A candid pic of Napolean Bonaparte looking worried about his dowry rates



If I had it my way the French Army would be cast in the original Washing Powder Nirma advertisement. Still can't get over the fact how the f**k could the soldiers wear such fancy costumes & still not get dirty?


A candid pic of the French army discussing the latest Summer fashion
 collection @ Zara



    Nirma original advert- I am sorry Nirma, No offence , but I really don't recollect the last time I saw an Indian lady smile while washing clothes. ;)



Now France as we all know has been in the news for many reasons like Carla Bruni & recession (But mostly Carla :P)

Now the problem is that anything & everything under the sun associated with France is considered with high regards.
Nowadays I see these ads beaming across the Enchanteur - Fragrance of French romance.WTF does that even mean??


So a few weeks back I happened to visit a French Cafe in Dubai called Paul's which is known for serving 'authentic' French cuisine.Now thing that attracted me towards it is the word 'authentic' coz you see having lived in India for a few years I have grown partly affectionate of this term. Thanks to the splurge of 'authentic cuisine' restaurants spread across India.


 Back home in India also when we serve 'authentic' Chinese if not the cuisine the one thing you can be sure of is that there will be more typos in the menu than ordinary chinese restaurants. And FYI We have more authentic chinese restaurants in India than in China serving all kinds of Schezwan, Sezwan,Shezwan,Sezwan. #OMG Facts
TAKE THAT, China :P (Mera Bharat Mahan)

The menu card was beyond me since all the menu items were in French. Felt racially discriminated coz I didn't know French. So like any self respecting Indian I made a quick price v/s Fancy sounding name line graph in my mind & went for a Poulet Pesto which turned out to be a Chicken Sandwich, a rather bland one. Now what really broke my heart was that they didn't give any Haldiram's aloo bhujia along with it .Missed it so much could have almost penned down a sorrowful  'Ode to Haldiram' while sitting there & joined the ranks of Shakespeare. But destiny had other plans for me & all I had was some olive oil & a garlic dip to drown my sorrows in.

 The ambience was pretty good with the walls being adorned with pics of bakers standing alongside cows for a group pic for reasons beyond my comprehension.And mind you these were no ordinary cows ,these were French cows (ie the creme de la creme of the cow community ).They were white in colour & had black spots so aesthetically placed on them that you won't even feel the need to photoshop them . & Yes FYI unlike Indian cows , French cows don't sit in the middle of the road & block traffic, they just graze in the greens  waiting to be clicked by Indians around & get featured as brand ambassadors on Gowardhan Ghee packs across India:P But anyways will leave my intellectual thoughts on the international cow comparision ranks for some other day.

Saw this hoarding sometime back "Paris - Come experience love as never b'efore". This got me thinking that is all about  the right branding. Would be awesome if we had tourism ads like 'Delhi- Come experience tharkipan as never before' or possibly 'Gujarat- Divided by Modi, united by diabetes'.Needless to say my marketing skills could never flourish & I became a chartered accountant to make the world a more boring place :P

Enough of bitching about France,  Do share the article online on Fb/Twitter if you share the same sentiments or alternatively put a pic of the author's face on your dartboard
& vent out your anger.


Till we meet again next time !  Adios & feel free to post your feedback/ express your hatred for the author on the 'Contact us'form on the left side. 


Last but not the least,
The article is humbly dedicated to all those elitist douchebags who believe speaking French in public places (including the pani puri wala stall) increases their social status.Also it's a small yet profound attempt to woo Carla Bruni to accept my friend request on Shaadi.com

 #InCarlaBhabhiWeBelieve #Blow2Sarkozy




Friday, 14 February 2014

Open letter to the 'committed' gang



Dear Committed gang,

Congrats !! It's that time of the year yet again when romance is in the air, RSS activists are on the street & you are about to get beaten for roaming around with a girl of a different caste.   ie  it's Valentine's day ! Hurray!!

You see valentine's day has always held  a special place in our hearts. We spend all day long observing the bullshit that goes on in the name of Valentine's day.No no don't worry we are not jealous of you, may you committed guys end up getting married (without any 'Ja Simran Jaa Jee le apni Zindagi') drama,  have  kids & generally have a great time changing their diapers in turns. 


 We are least threatened by your relationship status. You guys have fun doing Coo Chi Coo at coffee shops while we the #ForeverAlone gang shall be busy making profiles on Shaadi.com. And we are the ones who shall be writing things like the following on our profiles-

1)  'wheatish complexion slightly Negroish but not Madrasi type'

2) Handsome enough to woo  Gupta aunty's 95 kg daughter who is eternally in the gym busy hogging potato chips on the treadmill.

3) Teetotaller boy , drinks only when in the booze is free otherwise No.

Needless to say we are gonna get flooded with matrimonial offers by damsels in distress.Sorry for deviating from our topic, you see we get emotional on such issues.





I have always believed Valentine's day was a shrewd ploy by Saint Valentine to increase the  sales of Archies Greeting cards.
Googling up Valentine's day I got the list of the days prior to this day-
7 Feb Rose Day 
8 Feb Propose Day 
9 Feb Chocolate Day 
10 Feb Teddy Day 
11 Feb Promise Day 
12 Feb Kiss Day 
13 Feb Hug Day 
14 Feb Valentine's Day

And as always when shit hits the fan ,that's where we come in!!.

In the best interests of humanity I seek to add a more realistic touch to the days prior to Valentine's day.

7th Feb- Geting Friendzoned Day-
A day when you officially get friendzoned by your gf.

8th Feb- Gifting  Lauki & Kaddu for gf's mom Day  (known as bottle gourd & pumpkin respectively for my  elitist english friends )
Pampering your future mom in law never hurts in the long run u know ;)

9th Feb- Walking her dog @ 5 in the morning for pooping Day.
Nothing more divine than waking up so early in the morning  not because you are a fitness freak. BUT because you need to take her dog out for pooping sessions.  To hell with those 'dog is a man's best friend' quotes! :P

10th Feb- Watching Salman Khan's Tere Naam for inspiration Day
Now this film defies all preconceived notions about Valentines day. It's basically about a girl who defies all odds and removes the filters of caste , annual salary while selecting her potential groom on Shaadi.com. Women empowerment at it's best. Dear Rahul Gandhi , You're welcome! 

 This film is also a tribute to the numerous guys who feel getting a new hairstyle increases your chances of finding love. Now the only question that came to my mind at the of this film was why did the heroine (Bhumika Chawla ) commit suicide at the end of the film. Was it because she was not able to marry her love or was it coz she cudn't bear to be seen in public with Sallu's douchebag hairstyle.
(Ya ya call me a heartless/inhumane or whatever u may please .But u gotto admit my troll thoughts did strike a chord with you. :P  )

11th Feb- Hunting for cheap Valentine's day gifts Day
So Valentine's day is just round the corner.You gotto buy something real good for your loved one before she elopes with another one :P Haha! To the guys who keep harping on quotes like 'Love is all you need in the world', Bitch please for a moment just imagine your would be wife seated in a Mercedes S class while you are standing on the road clutching your Hero Honda bike.

12th Feb- Checking her 'Last seen at ' timings on Whatsapp Day .
Nothing more pleasurable than stalking her 'Last Seen at'timings on Whatsapp only coz Facebook stalking is just too mainstream.Isn't it awesome when you bombard her with dozens of messages every minute only to receive a 'k' or 'hmmm' as a reply.  


13th Feb- Googling for cheesy love quotes Day.

When looks fail to impress, words are your last hope. And what's more exclusive than writing shitty love quotes on gifts.Just stay away from quotes like 'Hey Baby is your dad a terrorist??, because you are such a bomb'.


 Now if you could excuse me I shall continue with my annual Valentine's Day tradition of tagging single friends in 'Love is eternal' pics on Facebook.

Best Regards,
#Forever Alone team



Monday, 27 January 2014

BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)


Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').
                                                                    
Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-


Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "


Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.



A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "


The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.


Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?


6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd



To share your  views/advertisement related queries/ ransom inquiries ;)  write in to us- r.batra2000@gmail.com

Friday, 10 January 2014

The year is 2060


It's that time of the year when people get all nostalgic about the year that just went by.One is filled with immense positivity for the year ahead. Now instead of brooding over important events of last year (like my neighbour not returning the non stick kadai pan she borrowed 2 months back :P) I shall give my predictions for the coming few decades in advance. Dear Bejan Daruwalla ,You're welcome! 

The Year is 2060.


Yerwada Jail  has opened a night club , swimming pool & spa for it's freelance celeb jail inmates so they have a comfortable stay out there.

Cricket has taken a bigger form throughout India. National level athletes are given free Bhaag Milkha Bhaag DVDs to console them for their insignificance .


China has taken over full Kashmir after extending into Indian territory in leaps & bounds .Ever since the advent of 'authentic chinese cuisine' restaurants over every nook & corner of the country serving dishes like Idli Manchurian  & doing immense typos over 1 word  'Schezwan' it would not be wrong to say we tempted China to go against us.

Indian residents have conquered Mars too thanks to tightening of  visa rules for USA green card.Patel community has successfully launched a prospering F &B business on Mars aptly called 'Dhoklas R Us' .

The Punjabi population has  officially surpassed the natives in Canada & Christmas is no longer a national holiday,Gurunanak Jayanti is. (FYI Santa gifts hot aloo parathas too!! )

Priyanka Chopra has released her 40th album with a black american thereby improving IndoAfrica relationships which fell into a rough patch many years back thanks to a local political party putting Akon's photo instead of Mandela on hoardings to pay their tribute to him on his death.
  




Used to do this during hostel days to predict what was for dinner. Sadly no divine intervention can save you when the stars above & Lauki & Karele ki subzi in store for you :(




Aakash tablets have become bestsellers specially since people discovered better uses for them like warming their coffee mugs.


Mumbai has just launched rolled out it's metro service with residents being nostalgic about not getting an opportunity to pee on the tracks.

Apple has finally after much furore launched another phone with bluetooth connectivity with all other brands of phones much to the disappointment of  'cousins in Amreeka' who will have to smuggle iPhones in dozens to India during the holiday season.


Lovely Professional University,Punjab has FINALLY started employing  a 'few' Indian professors contrary to their TV advertisements.(Have heard the college is so modern that the kids abuse also in English. #InTeriMaaKiAaankhWeBelieve )

Real estate developers across the nation have finally realized that it makes no point to use words like 'state of the art amenities, spa, temperature controlled swimming pool, diamond encrusted door knobs' in their ads coz at the end of the day their creme de la creme clients will have only 1 question in their minds 'Toilet indian hai ya western??'

It's disheartening to find that even after years of abolishment of apartheid, south indians are still called madrasis regardless of which part of south India they belong to.

India TV has still not got over their fetish of reporting  aliens abducting Indian cows.
Pakistan has appointed a hotter external affairs minister than Hina Rabbani Khar thereby causing many divorce cases in homes of indian ministers.

 Signing off with this lil glimpse into the coming years! Wish you all a Happy & prosperous year ahead!! Keep trolling!!


Saturday, 16 November 2013

Shakespeare rises from grave to stop screening of Ram Leela

In a shocking tale of events renowned playwright Shakespeare recently arose from his grave to protest against the screening of Ram Leela. Faking news  was fortunate enough to get an interview with him.

Reporter- So sir what brings you to India ?
Shakespeare -” Goliyon ki Rasleela Ram Leela”
Reporter (amused)- “You loved Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s work so much??”
Shakespeare- “It’s not about loving or hating.The guy just ruined my play Romeo & Juliet by adapting it in this movie.”
Reporter – “But sir I would like to point out. The movie said that it’s ‘inspired’ from Romeo & Juliet not ‘adapted’.”
Shakespeare-"Bitch please !! Anu Malik’s songs are also inspired not copied from old tunes.”
                                      
 Shakespeare's motivational words to Sanjay Leela Bhansali


Reporter- “So how come all of a sudden you decided to revolt?”
Shakespeare-” You see a part of me died when the Punjabi film fraternity released this film called Jatt v/s Juliet & were brave enough to make a sequel of it too.But after hearing about this latest flick I couldn’t hold myself anymore. It’s like the whole nation is hellbent on conspiring against me.I am glad the bhojpuri film industry has spared me for for the time being.”

Reporter – “So why do you think Ram Leela tarnished Romeo &  Juliet?”
Shakespeare-Many reasons if you ask me.I will share some with you.
1) Romeo was clean shaved unlike Ranvir in the film.

2) Romeo & Juliet never had such extravagant sets.How the f**k does one justify peacocks in your swimming pool.I couldn’t afford rubber ducks in my bath tub during my days

3) I highly doubt whether the people of Verona,Italy would ever indulge in synchronized garba performances .

4) Romeo & Juliet used to send meaningful love letters to each other not lame 

SMS shayaris!!

Reporter- “Your message to Indian filmmakers.”
Shakespeare- “Make whatever you want to but don’t mess around with my plays for heavensake”

Faking news spoke to Sanjay Leela Bhansali regarding the controversy-
Sanjay Bhansali- Shakespeare should be glad I didn’t make Romeo do a towel dropping scene like I did in Saawariya!!

Faking news got a reaction from film critic Taran Adarsh too-
Reporter- “Sir how was Ram Leela?”
Taran Adarsh- “If you ask me ,it was poetry on celluloid”
Reporter- “Bitch please if Ram Leela was poetry on celluloid so was Chota Beem.”

Reporter- “What was the most exciting part of the film?”

Taran Adarsh- “Undoubtedly,the loo break.”

Friday, 18 October 2013

Tom Cruise signs up as brand ambassador for Sandhi Sudha

The following article has been featured on FakingNews.com -India's no 1 news satire website.To view it Click here


After the recent declaration of Hugh Jackman as the brand ambassador for Micromax mobiles Tom Cruise has been roped in as the new brand ambassador for Sandhi Sudha oil.
Faking News- How does it feel after bagging such a huge endorsement?
Tom Cruise-  ”I feel honored to  represent such a prestigious brand. However I am deeply saddened that I got this offer a little late. Would have loved to show a scene in Mission Impossible Ghost protocol where  Ethan the protagonist develops body pain while hanging @ 2700 ft above air on the Burj Khalifa & he quickly takes out a bottle of Sandhi Sudha and applies it on his legs & returns back to the mission.  ”
Sandhi Sudha
The next international brand
Faking News- What made you choose this brand?
Tom Cruise- To be honest I was overwhelmed with the amount of research these guys have done to make this product. What caught my attention was this bearded baba who seemed to have great knowledge in the field of Ayurveda and blurted out randomayurvedic names of marijuana,cannabis etc.Even the other guy wearing a lab coat seemed pretty wise.
Faking News- Are you having negotiations with other Indian corporates too?
Tom Cruise- I am in talks with a premium inner wear company. However I cannot reveal the name at this point.
Faking News- You mean Rupa Frontline right?
Tom Cruise- F**ck you man!! Go to hell !
CEO of Sandhi Sudha Ayurvedic remedies said, “It was a logical decision if you ask me. After considerable research we came  to the conclusion that Indians will buy anything & everything till the time a foreigner promotes it. Our previous marketing campaigns have miserably failed.”
Faking News consequently tried to get the previous brand ambassador’s reaction.
Govinda (sobbing inconsolably)- Loser took away my only source of employment.
Faking News- Never mind sir there is always hope.
Govinda- Ghanta!! Even the Big Boss guys don’t want to take me. Been trying since last 6 seasons.
Alok Nath – I had developed an emotional connect with the brand. In the ads I used to ask other unemployed TV artists on how Sandhi Sudha had changed their lives.We were like one big happy family.Will miss those days dearly.
Jackie Shroff- Mausi chi….*beep*  (needless to say our reporter fled the spot)

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Pratibha Patil gifts air-miles to Dr Manmohan Singh

The following article has been featured on FakingNews.com -India's no 1 news satire website.To view it Click here

New Delhi. After the recent revelation that Dr Manmohan Singh spent 620 crores in 9 yrs for foreign trips, Pratibha Patil has decided to do her bit for  social welfare by gifting her accumulated “air miles” to him. Faking News recently interviewed Pratibha Patil to discuss the same:

Faking News (FN) : Ma’am what made you take such a step?
Pratibha Patil (PP) : It was but natural. I have traveled worldwide till date and accumulated air-miles from various airlines. Where will I go with so many air-miles as I can’t redeem them now?
Manmohan Singh and Pratibha Patil
MMS happy to get the free air-miles

FN : How did you collect so many air-miles as the whole nation was under the impression that you always travel by Air India?

PP : As per protocol, I should have been using Air India, but could not really help. You know, they don’t even have a private suite with sliding doors in their business class. How uncool is that??

FN : Must have been stressful right? Travelling so much…

PP : Oh no no! Not at all. I used to take my relatives and family friends too. We used to have a blast. Awww I miss those days. :(

FN: So ma’am tell us about an memorable incident abroad…

PP : The last time I went to the US (you know via Singapore via Sri Lanka via Africa) the US immigration officials let me enter with my favourite  achaar too without objecting since I was such a regular visitor.

FN : Ma’am but why didn’t u just go directly to USA instead of going via so many countries?
PP : Shut up you are just jealous of me. Seems like u have not seen that Scooty Pep ad “Why should boys have all the fun??” :)

FN : Oh yes.

PP : You should come and see my souvenir collection. It’s real huge.

FN: Wow. I am impressed!

PP : Lol you will be more impressed when you see my flicked toiletries collection.

FN : “WTF?? I am stunned” (Rannvijay style)

PP : “Kya karu, hotels ki toiletries itni attractive lagti thi. Control hi nahi ho paya.
FN : Any words of advise for Dr Manmohan?
PP : Yes of course. As I keep telling my grand kids ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small ‘foreign relations’ excuse.
___
Disclaimer: The above article is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. 

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Flight Plight

Plz note- This article has been written in the loving memory of Kingfisher airlines! :P 
Air India airhostesses welcoming their guests to yet another potential crash landing journey.Adventurous enough eh? 

Plane journeys are the ones that I immensely enjoy. Just the thought that I could choose to pee @ 35000 ft above sea level fills me with immense pride & joy (No, seriously !!).
Unlike the yesteryears travelling via air is no more a big deal in India. So you don't have to announce to your all your distant relatives over phone emphasizing "I am FLYING to Delhi tomorrow" & neither does half your colony visit the airport come to see you off for a domestic flight :( sob sob Those were the days

Flight journeys are so full of excitement.
It all starts with the safety drill where a beautiful airhostess will guide you on how to save your life in the case of an emergency landing. I have always felt that it is my humble duty to interpret those divine instructions for the greater good of the masses. So here goes-

1) There are 8 exits in this aircraft. Out of which 4 shall be blocked by old aunties, 2  by our cabin crew, leaving you with 2 another exits to get the hell out of here.

2) In the event of a drop in cabin pressure oxygen masks will drop from the panel above you please put the oxygen mask on yourself first & incase your co passengers were a lil irritating throughout the flight feel free to settle your scores by cutting the cord supplying oxygen to their masks.

3) We have placed fancy looking life jackets under your seat for you to use incase of an emergency landing over water. Not sure if it will really help you but atleast it can make you look like a douchebag incase you do survive .

4)  Kindly switch off your mobiles and other electronic devices during the journey. Please note that incase we find you using your iPhone midair we might snatch it away  because apparently playing Angry birds or Fruit ninja on your mobile 'interferes' with the aircraft's navigation systems.

5) Safety instruction cards are placed in your seat pockets & considering that none of you gives a damn about it either ways, so we have placed the same cards for every plane model (Be it A330 or A380).Why even bother putting the right one??

6) Kindly fasten your seat belts.Please follow the following steps-

step 1- Locate where the godammit seat belt is.Chances are that it will be under your rear end (as we lovingly call it -ass) or your co-passengers's ass & if u don't locate it both these areas it HAS to be hanging around somewhere.

step 2- Try fitting your belly into it. Deep breath in. Insert the metal part into the buckle & continue smiling even if you are not feeling comfortable due to the belt pressure on your big belly.

step 3 - Oh wait !! there is some good news. You can loosen up your belt a lil bit. By 'lil bit' we mean an equivalent space to fit an anorexic in. Sorry for giving you false hope. :P

7) Please store all your belongings in the overhead compartments & do so at complete ease because the passengers getting inside the plane have infinite patience levels & would  be privileged to see you struggle while fitting in your suitcase for 15 mins non stop while they wait for the passage to clear & they get the opportunity to move towards their seat..........FINALLY!!.

8) Keep your chair upright at all times. Please note that during meal times you are free to adjust your chair backside and cause maximum discomfort to the passenger behind you.

9 ) Incase you need any assistance during the flight press the cabin crew button situated above you and within minutes an air hostess will come to your who shall give you an angry stare and say "YESSSSSS, How may I help u?" in an irritated tone.

10) In the event of an emergency landing , the emergency lights on the floor will light up & guide u to the nearest exit in the RARE probability  that you don't get trampled by the stampede. As always we shall remain your well wishers in either case. :P

When it comes to hospitality NO ONE does it better than Air India. The love & warmth with which they shower Frooti juice packets so graciously upon you is beyond measure.

Kinda scared to ask the air hostesses for a beer during inflight service as you never know when she blurts out "Beta is this what your mummy taught you at home?? Here take orange juice. It's much healthier for you"

I don't really get it why pilots feel that it's their moral duty to give live updates of the flight's altitude and speed every now and then.                    

Dear pilots please bear in mind. 

Passengers in general,

1) Are mathematically challenged and can't comprehend both altitude and speed at once

OR

2) They are busy flipping pages of the inflight duty free shopping magazine not due to any 'genuine' interest in shopping but simply because the others are doing it.

Or  for all u know is it like some kinda open invitation to sky dive ? And if that is true then I need to apply for Al Qaeda's graduate recruitment program with specialization in aviation & tower collision (wish me luck!!)

When you want something really badly the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that dream. But bear in mind that in flight journeys it works the exact opposite way. So if you wish to sit next to a hot chick the WHOLE universe conspires to make sure that you are sitting with people of your grandfather's age.

Last but not the least.

Dear Jet Airways,
Could you please keep that inflight instrumental music that you play before takeoff reserved for my funeral?? Makes me wanna immediately grab a pen & paper and write out my will & thereby transfer the ownership of ALL my assets (laptop,mobile & 2-3 untorn underwears) to my descendants.

Disclaimer - This is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author was NOT even paid peanuts (both figuratively & literally) by any of the airlines mentioned as they already had plenty of unpaid staff to give false promises to. Needless to say the author has given up air travel & is currently using all the IT resources at his disposal (ie his neighbour's WiFi) to get past the IRCTC website to book railway tickets.

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