Tuesday, 5 August 2014

To Goa with love

The year is 1497. Vasco Da Gama JUST cleared his class 12 board exams and like every other day he went on a conquest of self discovery deep within. Who knew 3 cans of beer was all it would take.

Like every other foreign invader Vasco Da Gama came to visit India as a 'tourist' & one fine day thought 'Hey we might look like a hybrid between Latinos & Greeks but so what let's rule these bitches!'.And that is how the Portuguese conquest in India started & my hopes of making it to the passing mark in high school History exam ended. 

 However history textbooks still believe that Vasco Da Gama came to India for it's spices & NOT to puke outside beachside shacks across Goa's coastline.You take your pick. Kinda sad MDH masala uncle greeted him on Indian shores ready to  jump into a song & dance sequence over a pack of Chunky Chaat Masala. Apologies Vasco Da Gama, I feel you bro! :'(

India's answer to Vasco Da Gama.In my head I can imagine George Clooney lonely without chicks but this guy NEVERRR #InMDHMasalasWeTrust

Recently I had the opportunity to visit Goa for the first time.So it is but natural that I would dedicate an article to this wonderful place.

Statutory Disclaimer: My college days were spent in a dry state called Gujarat & in an alcohol rehab fondly known as Ahmedabad.College days were spent getting drunk with Amul Kool milk bottles & our 'happening' night life started & ended with going out late night for a cup of tea at a roadside kitli  #FML #ThankYouModi .So yes feel free to have your laughs.

The thing about Goa is that it gives you answers to many existential  questions about life like-

 1) Is it okay to walk into a funeral service wearing Hawaiian pattern bermudas?

2) Did Jesus sacrifice his life only to get featured in selfies with people making pout faces? 

3) Is it okay if you would love your country to get invaded a few times more till the time hot bikini clad foreign chicks run in slow motion across beaches. 

(Fun fact -An average Goa beach is nothing more than India's biggest gathering of dudes wearing Rupa underwears trying to hit upon that 1 solitary foreign chick sunbathing on the beach.Who says India is not competitive?  :P 

We're racist & we know it Yo!

Goa gives you the best of natural beauty(i.e beaches) and manmade beauty (i.e blonde babes) technically speaking ofcourse ;)  Since I happened to go during the off season monsoon period I shit you not , the ONLY blonde thing I saw in my whole trip was that sniffer dog at the airport. *weeps*

A spice plantation tour is a big tourist attraction in Goa. Like every loyal tourist I too booked a tour for it. It's a 1.5 hour long tour where they make you walk through the plantations stopping by random plants & telling you medicinal properties of each plant (more passionately than the  broke guy wearing lab coat in those Asian Sky Shop ads).  While this educational tour keeps going on people are generally busy scratching their arm pits and other controversial body parts to entertain themselves.Towards the end of the tour I was so expecting the tour guide to go like ''and now the moment you have all been waiting for.It's my honour to show you my weeeeeeeeeeeeeeed plantations (apologies for the extra e letters, you see just 'thinking' about drugs get me all high & shit :P ) ''. Unfortunately it never happened. :(

Goa is filled with many local garment & accessories shops. The standard operating procedure out there is that the moment you walk into a shop the sales guy will scan you from top to bottom just to see if you are a -
1) A hippie

2) A wannabe hippie in other words a Delhi Punju guy

3) A natural hippie i.e Gujjus & Sindhi folks you're welcome! Wearing those bright fluorescent coloured shirts clearly worked in your favour.

4) Aam Aadmi
Needless to say I couldn't make it to the cut and fell straight into the 4th category & was shown the aam aadmi stuff. :(

Goa  happens to be the 2nd most popular honeymoon destination after Shimla which makes complete sense coz in Shimla it's practically not possible to draw a heart shape in wet beach sand and write your name & your beloved partner's name & occasionally the dowry amount within the heart shape. Awwwwwww How romantic :P  

Goa is filled with so many historic spots and churches and temples.  
' As you can see to my left is that sanctimonious  where Saint *inserts random Christian name* smoked pot a century ago.' - Things your tour guide never told you

The funny part about many historical churches out there is that once you enter you can take pictures of random walls or pigeons making out on windows but you simply CANNOT take pics with family & friends.

 Adios for now, gotto go & upload a 'Mah Goa Trip Bitchezz' Fb album.Do share the article online by clicking the icons below or at atleast have the courtesy to print it & wrap your pakodas in it.
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Saturday, 28 June 2014

E-commerce saves the day

It's  been long since mankind discovered fire by rubbing stones together.Which was proof enough of the depths fellow homo sapiens could go to smoke weed. Cleverly they camouflaged it in history textbooks  with scholarly theories of how it was discovered as a means of 'protection & keeping warm' & not to forget lavish barbeque spreads. Still believe many gujjus are busy lighting fire with stones to save electricity bills.

We have managed to transform since that age.Technological advancement has helped us answer many real world challenges like broadcasting to the world & outer world every 2.5 mins that you are sitting in the business class lounge of an airline  or be it instagramming that dal fry you made after worshiping Sanjeev Kapoor & his clan (for bringing out fancy names like Lauki Quesadillas to stuff down Indian throats) & after a dozen hashtags uploaded it on Facebook  #homemade #cooking #shooking  #desi #fun  #OMG-My-mom- might-just-marry- me-off-to-someone-for-making-this  which you eventually threw down the bin  because it tasted less of dal and more of disappointment.

E-commerce is something that surrounds us in totality.Everything is going 'e'.  

I don't know but on all occasions like New Year ,birthdays etc I get spammed with emails in my inbox trying to prick on my emotions and force me to send gifts to relatives that meet me once every 2 decades only to come out with  philosophical lines such as  "Beta, you have grown so old . You remember the last time I met you failed to recognize all body parts and hence almost got disowned by your parents for humiliating them in front of all other family members?"

(Fun Facts- In India it is a common household tradition to entertain your guests by testing your infant kid's IQ level by asking simple questions like Beta where is your nose?, Beta,show aunty your atrioventricular valve?)

And all this while you thought posing with eyes filled up with truckloads of kajal was the only humble duty of Indian infants

I don't know what's wrong with Indian web portals but since when did we Indians start celebrating Thanksgiving Day. The closest form of Thanksgiving celebrated in India is possibly when you pass on your unwanted gifts to your loved ones (fondly known as near & dear ones to express your fake affection) & receive their unwanted gifts in return on Diwali.This never ending cycle of 'love' continues till one fine day someone walks into the other ones Diwali party and humbly proclaims that dahi vadas were hard & thereby face a  Swadeshi movement equivalent boycott at all future Diwali parties.      

(Desi Pro tip #42-Abuse us,abuse our clan, abuse our gods, but do not fuckin pass comments on the softness of our dahi vadas or idlis)

Feelings ought to be genuine. Shopping should remain a very personal experience.

Instead of the clich├ęd  lines like 'users also bought  the following products',  would love to see pop up windows like 'Mrs Gupta next door also chose to trade her mother in law's kidneys for the following products '

or maybe

'This New Year make a refreshing start, Gift a comode to your loved ones' (#ShitJustGotReal) 

Needless to say my marketing skills could never be utilized for the world's greater good. :( :'(

Cash on Delivery concept is one big boon to India considering the Indian need for fighting tooth and nail negotiating a product's price to the lowest rates for an hour & finally not even buying it & justifying it with excuses like 'Iska rang thoda gaudy hai'.And all this while you were under the false illusion that the 4 Ps of marketing concept was all encompassing & took Indian aunties into consideration.

 The last time India lost it's collective shit online was on the IRCTC website which besides helping you book your railway tickets online also gave you a chance time travel till the time you reached the payment screen.

 Nowadays we have Domino's online pizza ordering service where you can actually track your pizza order in real time which so uber cool. You can track your order right from the time they place toppings on hard as steel pizza base till it's out from the oven partially burnt or as the marketing whiz kids call it 'barbecued Mexican Old style' pizza.  As an Indian it fills me with immense pride indeed when I ping  the website to get my estimated delivery time only to get a 'ladka nikal gaya hai' message flash on my laptop screen in bold letters.Sincerely believe that one day I would become a millionaire after hoarding all those oregano seasonings & chilli flakes sachets over the years.

Like it or not e-commerce is here to stay.

Spending the rest of the year starting my online bootlegging business in Gujarat region.As Batman would put 'Gotham err Gujarat needs me '
Till we meet again Adios!!

Saturday, 10 May 2014

A foreigner's guide to Indian values

Now incase your first question is "How, the f**k does this pic even remotely relate to the topic bro?" Worry not. You see back home in India whenever you begin something new like this blog post which has been rotting for the past few months in my drafts folder, you always start with something auspicious.And like any self respecting Punjabi would tell you what could be more auspicious than butter chicken??

Indian values are something that we have solemnly inherited since AK Hangal's birth or The Big Bang explosion (whichever comes earlier). Contrary to popular belief it is these values that bind us all indians together so that we collectively get ignored  by foreign chicks for stalking,staring,groping etc .So here's a quick guide to Indian values, just incase you were missing a bit on your sanskaar quotient.

1) Sacrifice
Sacrifice forms the backbone of indian value system. Since your loved ones sacrificed things that would make them happy for you.So now at present you ought to sacrifice the things that make you happy to make them happy. Don't worry incase you got a lil confused in between no worries.In the future ur kids won't be able to make any shit out of it either too. So this cycle of sacrifice shall continue in a never ending spiral till the end of time whichever time period it occurs. BB (Before Bieber) or AB (After Bieber) era .

2) Respect for elders

Other cultures may or may not propogate selling kidneys of your elders to pay off your car loan. But in India elders are revered & their holy views are to  be considered in all situations regardless of your consent be it marriage or sexual orientation .Thou shall follow ONLY as told. Now respect for elders is shown in many forms ie

a) touching their feet as a mark of reverence. 

b) nodding your head in agreement to all the aging uncles as they talk about fascinating  topics such as how eating papaya daily transformed their life and bowel movements forever .

c) Sympathising with aunties as they share their troubles with you such as knee pains &
how it poses a great barrier to their 7 times a week kitty parties.

3) Focus on education
A good education is valued in Indian culture as it brings with it prospects of a good future & potentially good dowry rates.And FYI while you spend the rest of your lives repaying your educational loan EMIs  for your framed Harvard/Stanford  etc degrees you can atleast die in peace with the fact that Illiterate people made millions making aloo bhujia  :P Cc Haldiram's

4) Hospitality & accommodation

Indians are worldwide known for their hospitality & warmth. (K not including mumbai rickshaw drivers in this list) .Now unlike the west Indian kids stay with their parents even after high school for reasons such as culture & living  rent free but mostly for living rent free.

5) Strong family ties
Indians have always believed in portraying strong family ties in public. Even if it means getting clicked in idiotic poses like the one shown below to portray them.

Family ties in India are directly proportional to the gossip content generated by the opposite family. Gossip could & would include national welfare topics like 4th grade kid's score in Maths , or the scarce number of paneer dishes in the other's family's daughter's wedding.

6) Getting offended-
Now this one of those pristine values that we all Indians are proud of. Contrary to popular belief, our national sports is NOT hockey, it is getting offended. With passage of time we have developed our own mechanism t deal with it.All thanks to the "Don't feel bad but ...." phrase to protect us from offending anyone.The beauty of this phrase is that it can be used on any occasion & gels along with possibly any random sentence.Kindly see the examples shown below-

a) Don't feel bad but  ....... you're a motherf***er!!

b) Don't feel bad but....... I mortgaged your kidney for my BMW

c) Don't feel bad but.... I was the one who murdered Gandhi.Cc Nathuram Godse
    That's all for now. Shall be back with some more troll articles shortly incase I don't get abducted for this article .Till then earn some good karma by sharing the post on Facebook & twitter & forcing your friend's on gun point to join our Fb page :P

Saturday, 22 March 2014

To France with love.......(Pour france avec de L'Amour)

Writing after almost a month. Overwhelmed with all the fabulous feedback I keep getting every now & then like 'Delete the blog bitch!',  & also massive respect for the guy who wrote a letter in someone else's blood coaxing me to give up writing. Sorry folks that ain't gonna happen :P

And as always it's only when you are filled with enough anger within that you turn up to express your frustration by writing  or in other cases by uprooting hand pumps like Sunny Deol has managed to do so elegantly over the years much to the delight of the water irrigation department.

As Indians, Europe has always held a special place in our hearts thanks to our actresses dancing in chiffon sarees on snow capped peaks & Govinda & Karishma Kapoor reducing India's tourism revenues by a quarter with their outrageous dance moves out there.

So we all know of the great French revolution where the great king Louis XVI who made the country bankrupt & finally a hero emerged, Napolean Bonaparte who was like the Arvind Kejriwal of his time. Napolean Bonaparte couldn't see all this injustice happen infront of his eyes and one fine day induced with anger he went like 'Bhencho, here I don't have money to get a hair transplant  done to camouflage my receding hairline @Dr Batra's  & these bitches are busy buying diamond necklaces with tax payer money'.
A candid pic of Napolean Bonaparte looking worried about his dowry rates

If I had it my way the French Army would be cast in the original Washing Powder Nirma advertisement. Still can't get over the fact how the f**k could the soldiers wear such fancy costumes & still not get dirty?

A candid pic of the French army discussing the latest Summer fashion
 collection @ Zara

    Nirma original advert- I am sorry Nirma, No offence , but I really don't recollect the last time I saw an Indian lady smile while washing clothes. ;)

Now France as we all know has been in the news for many reasons like Carla Bruni & recession (But mostly Carla :P)

Now the problem is that anything & everything under the sun associated with France is considered with high regards.
Nowadays I see these ads beaming across the Enchanteur - Fragrance of French romance.WTF does that even mean??

So a few weeks back I happened to visit a French Cafe in Dubai called Paul's which is known for serving 'authentic' French cuisine.Now thing that attracted me towards it is the word 'authentic' coz you see having lived in India for a few years I have grown partly affectionate of this term. Thanks to the splurge of 'authentic cuisine' restaurants spread across India.

 Back home in India also when we serve 'authentic' Chinese if not the cuisine the one thing you can be sure of is that there will be more typos in the menu than ordinary chinese restaurants. And FYI We have more authentic chinese restaurants in India than in China serving all kinds of Schezwan, Sezwan,Shezwan,Sezwan. #OMG Facts
TAKE THAT, China :P (Mera Bharat Mahan)

The menu card was beyond me since all the menu items were in French. Felt racially discriminated coz I didn't know French. So like any self respecting Indian I made a quick price v/s Fancy sounding name line graph in my mind & went for a Poulet Pesto which turned out to be a Chicken Sandwich, a rather bland one. Now what really broke my heart was that they didn't give any Haldiram's aloo bhujia along with it .Missed it so much could have almost penned down a sorrowful  'Ode to Haldiram' while sitting there & joined the ranks of Shakespeare. But destiny had other plans for me & all I had was some olive oil & a garlic dip to drown my sorrows in.

 The ambience was pretty good with the walls being adorned with pics of bakers standing alongside cows for a group pic for reasons beyond my comprehension.And mind you these were no ordinary cows ,these were French cows (ie the creme de la creme of the cow community ).They were white in colour & had black spots so aesthetically placed on them that you won't even feel the need to photoshop them . & Yes FYI unlike Indian cows , French cows don't sit in the middle of the road & block traffic, they just graze in the greens  waiting to be clicked by Indians around & get featured as brand ambassadors on Gowardhan Ghee packs across India:P But anyways will leave my intellectual thoughts on the international cow comparision ranks for some other day.

Saw this hoarding sometime back "Paris - Come experience love as never b'efore". This got me thinking that is all about  the right branding. Would be awesome if we had tourism ads like 'Delhi- Come experience tharkipan as never before' or possibly 'Gujarat- Divided by Modi, united by diabetes'.Needless to say my marketing skills could never flourish & I became a chartered accountant to make the world a more boring place :P

Enough of bitching about France,  Do share the article online on Fb/Twitter if you share the same sentiments or alternatively put a pic of the author's face on your dartboard
& vent out your anger.

Till we meet again next time !  Adios & feel free to post your feedback/ express your hatred for the author on the 'Contact us'form on the left side. 

Last but not the least,
The article is humbly dedicated to all those elitist douchebags who believe speaking French in public places (including the pani puri wala stall) increases their social status.Also it's a small yet profound attempt to woo Carla Bruni to accept my friend request on Shaadi.com

 #InCarlaBhabhiWeBelieve #Blow2Sarkozy

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Letter writing: A beginners guide to dealing with shit

Passing by my school campus sometime back the nostalgia took over me & if there are few things that left a lasting impact on me those would be -

1) Doodling pics of Shah Jahan  in my History textbooks.In my humble opinion the Mughal empire would have lasted for many more years had they not concentrated all their efforts in clicking selfies with roses or doing the 'Hey -lets- come - up - with -2000 -different - hard to- pronounce-  names -for -similar- tasting -kebabs -just- to- fuck- around -with- future -generations '.Nonetheless will leave all my thoughts about the Mughal dynasty for some other day.

A candid selfie of Shah Jahan during the Mughal era

2) Letter writing is an awesome skill which trains you to be a 'polite' bitch. Back in school days, the highest marks in letter writing used to go to whoever could come up with the most dull letters infused with British era jargon i.e the kind of words that could potentially get you kidnapped & married off to a village chick by Khaap Panchayat members.

Given below is yet another failed attempt of mine at letter writing.Humble apologies to all my English teachers till date.Try not to hate me.

Dear Mr Natarajan,

Hope you are doing well. It is with a heavy heart that I write to you today the inevitable has happened yet again,Yesterday morning your dog has defacated yet again in front of my door.This activity has been happening since the past few months almost every week.Now you might argue that this is a perfectly natural phenomenon & humans & animals have been shitting in co-existence since millions of years.But most respected sir I beg to differ why on my humble door mat? Ideal neighbour relations qualities prohibit me to go & dump your dog in some animal shelter.I will be honest that I did seriously contemplate on doing so at a point in time before I discovered the true meaning of life was beyond accepting shit from people or dogs for that matter(as in my case).

To support my case I have with utmost dedication gone beyond the call of duty highlighted & taken pictures & videos of your dog pooping on my doormat.I can declare with utmost certainty that the dog observed in between 01:20 & 01:36 is none other than your esteemed dog fondly referred to as Tommy by your immediate family members or 'voh Vodafone vala kutta' by the rest of our colony for reasons beyond my control. I would like to draw your attention to the fact  that there might be  a statistical bias in my findings as I have to ensure accuracy & consistency willingly excluded the number of times your dog  after roaming in my door's vicinity for an hour possibly conjuring his next tactic went & pooped on Mr Sharma's doormat next door much to my delight.

It is rather unfortunate that you still hold of the opinion that a street dog bearing an uncanny resemblance to your dog has been pooping on my mat as pointed out by you in our last building society meeting.I have upon thorough investigation come to the conclusion that the stray dog in question prefers to poop next to luxury cars inevitably. Even after spending millions of dollars in research scientists have not been able to reach a consensus on the relationship between dog's excretion & luxury cars.It's one of those who came first the moon craters or Mumbai road potholes kinda question.Or was it chicken or the egg.I forgot.

Call me heartless, but this is not an 'awwwwww' pic

Despite your best efforts to make my life nothing short of living hell, there have been a few positive changes in my life.For instance there has been a massive footfall in the number of guests that used to come uninvited to our house thanks to my stinky doormat .You know the 'We-were-passing- by- your- place- so- thought- we- should- drop- in' kinda guests and it's all thanks to YOUUUUUUUU! '

Looking forward to meeting you in our next building society meeting sans your dog ofcourse.

Yours lovingly,

Rahul Batra

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Friday, 14 February 2014

Open letter to the 'committed' gang

Dear Committed gang,

Congrats !! It's that time of the year yet again when romance is in the air, RSS activists are on the street & you are about to get beaten for roaming around with a girl of a different caste.   ie  it's Valentine's day ! Hurray!!

You see valentine's day has always held  a special place in our hearts. We spend all day long observing the bullshit that goes on in the name of Valentine's day.No no don't worry we are not jealous of you, may you committed guys end up getting married (without any 'Ja Simran Jaa Jee le apni Zindagi') drama,  have  kids & generally have a great time changing their diapers in turns. 

 We are least threatened by your relationship status. You guys have fun doing Coo Chi Coo at coffee shops while we the #ForeverAlone gang shall be busy making profiles on Shaadi.com. And we are the ones who shall be writing things like the following on our profiles-

1)  'wheatish complexion slightly Negroish but not Madrasi type'

2) Handsome enough to woo  Gupta aunty's 95 kg daughter who is eternally in the gym busy hogging potato chips on the treadmill.

3) Teetotaller boy , drinks only when in the booze is free otherwise No.

Needless to say we are gonna get flooded with matrimonial offers by damsels in distress.Sorry for deviating from our topic, you see we get emotional on such issues.

I have always believed Valentine's day was a shrewd ploy by Saint Valentine to increase the  sales of Archies Greeting cards.
Googling up Valentine's day I got the list of the days prior to this day-
7 Feb Rose Day 
8 Feb Propose Day 
9 Feb Chocolate Day 
10 Feb Teddy Day 
11 Feb Promise Day 
12 Feb Kiss Day 
13 Feb Hug Day 
14 Feb Valentine's Day

And as always when shit hits the fan ,that's where we come in!!.

In the best interests of humanity I seek to add a more realistic touch to the days prior to Valentine's day.

7th Feb- Geting Friendzoned Day-
A day when you officially get friendzoned by your gf.

8th Feb- Gifting  Lauki & Kaddu for gf's mom Day  (known as bottle gourd & pumpkin respectively for my  elitist english friends )
Pampering your future mom in law never hurts in the long run u know ;)

9th Feb- Walking her dog @ 5 in the morning for pooping Day.
Nothing more divine than waking up so early in the morning  not because you are a fitness freak. BUT because you need to take her dog out for pooping sessions.  To hell with those 'dog is a man's best friend' quotes! :P

10th Feb- Watching Salman Khan's Tere Naam for inspiration Day
Now this film defies all preconceived notions about Valentines day. It's basically about a girl who defies all odds and removes the filters of caste , annual salary while selecting her potential groom on Shaadi.com. Women empowerment at it's best. Dear Rahul Gandhi , You're welcome! 

 This film is also a tribute to the numerous guys who feel getting a new hairstyle increases your chances of finding love. Now the only question that came to my mind at the of this film was why did the heroine (Bhumika Chawla ) commit suicide at the end of the film. Was it because she was not able to marry her love or was it coz she cudn't bear to be seen in public with Sallu's douchebag hairstyle.
(Ya ya call me a heartless/inhumane or whatever u may please .But u gotto admit my troll thoughts did strike a chord with you. :P  )

11th Feb- Hunting for cheap Valentine's day gifts Day
So Valentine's day is just round the corner.You gotto buy something real good for your loved one before she elopes with another one :P Haha! To the guys who keep harping on quotes like 'Love is all you need in the world', Bitch please for a moment just imagine your would be wife seated in a Mercedes S class while you are standing on the road clutching your Hero Honda bike.

12th Feb- Checking her 'Last seen at ' timings on Whatsapp Day .
Nothing more pleasurable than stalking her 'Last Seen at'timings on Whatsapp only coz Facebook stalking is just too mainstream.Isn't it awesome when you bombard her with dozens of messages every minute only to receive a 'k' or 'hmmm' as a reply.  

13th Feb- Googling for cheesy love quotes Day.

When looks fail to impress, words are your last hope. And what's more exclusive than writing shitty love quotes on gifts.Just stay away from quotes like 'Hey Baby is your dad a terrorist??, because you are such a bomb'.

 Now if you could excuse me I shall continue with my annual Valentine's Day tradition of tagging single friends in 'Love is eternal' pics on Facebook.

Best Regards,
#Forever Alone team

Monday, 27 January 2014

BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)

Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').
Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-

Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "

Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.

A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "

The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.

Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?

6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd

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