Flight Plight

Plz note- This article has been written in the loving memory of Kingfisher airlines! :P 

Air India airhostesses welcoming their guests to yet another potential crash landing journey.Adventurous enough eh? 

Plane journeys are the ones that I immensely enjoy. Just the thought that I could choose to pee @ 35000 ft above sea level fills me with immense pride & joy (No, seriously !!).

Unlike the yesteryears travelling via air is no more a big deal in India. So you don't have to announce to your all your distant relatives over phone emphasizing "I am FLYING to Delhi tomorrow" & neither does half your colony visit the airport come to see you off for a domestic flight :( sob sob Those were the days

Flight journeys are so full of excitement.

It all starts with the safety drill where a beautiful airhostess will guide you on how to save your life in the case of an emergency landing. I have always felt that it is my humble duty to interpret those divine instructions for the greater good of the masses. So here goes-

1) There are 8 exits in this aircraft. Out of which 4 shall be blocked by old aunties, 2  by our cabin crew, leaving you with 2 another exits to get the hell out of here.

2) In the event of a drop in cabin pressure oxygen masks will drop from the panel above you please put the oxygen mask on yourself first & incase your co passengers were a lil irritating throughout the flight feel free to settle your scores by cutting the cord supplying oxygen to their masks.

3) We have placed fancy looking life jackets under your seat for you to use incase of an emergency landing over water. Not sure if it will really help you but atleast it can make you look like a douchebag incase you do survive .

4)  Kindly switch off your mobiles and other electronic devices during the journey. Please note that incase we find you using your iPhone midair we might snatch it away  because apparently playing Angry birds or Fruit ninja on your mobile 'interferes' with the aircraft's navigation systems.

5) Safety instruction cards are placed in your seat pockets & considering that none of you gives a damn about it either ways, so we have placed the same cards for every plane model (Be it A330 or A380).Why even bother putting the right one??

6) Kindly fasten your seat belts.Please follow the following steps-

step 1- Locate where the godammit seat belt is.Chances are that it will be under your rear end (as we lovingly call it -ass) or your co-passengers's ass & if u don't locate it both these areas it HAS to be hanging around somewhere.

step 2- Try fitting your belly into it. Deep breath in. Insert the metal part into the buckle & continue smiling even if you are not feeling comfortable due to the belt pressure on your big belly.

step 3 - Oh wait !! there is some good news. You can loosen up your belt a lil bit. By 'lil bit' we mean an equivalent space to fit an anorexic in. Sorry for giving you false hope. :P

7) Please store all your belongings in the overhead compartments & do so at complete ease because the passengers getting inside the plane have infinite patience levels & would  be privileged to see you struggle while fitting in your suitcase for 15 mins non stop while they wait for the passage to clear & they get the opportunity to move towards their seat..........FINALLY!!.

8) Keep your chair upright at all times. Please note that during meal times you are free to adjust your chair backside and cause maximum discomfort to the passenger behind you.

9 ) Incase you need any assistance during the flight press the cabin crew button situated above you and within minutes an air hostess will come to your who shall give you an angry stare and say "YESSSSSS, How may I help u?" in an irritated tone.

10) In the event of an emergency landing , the emergency lights on the floor will light up & guide u to the nearest exit in the RARE probability  that you don't get trampled by the stampede. As always we shall remain your well wishers in either case. :P

When it comes to hospitality NO ONE does it better than Air India. The love & warmth with which they shower Frooti juice packets so graciously upon you is beyond measure.

Kinda scared to ask the air hostesses for a beer during inflight service as you never know when she blurts out "Beta is this what your mummy taught you at home?? Here take orange juice. It's much healthier for you"

I don't really get it why pilots feel that it's their moral duty to give live updates of the flight's altitude and speed every now and then.                    

Dear pilots please bear in mind. 

Passengers in general,

1) Are mathematically challenged and can't comprehend both altitude and speed at once

OR

2) They are busy flipping pages of the inflight duty free shopping magazine not due to any 'genuine' interest in shopping but simply because the others are doing it.

Or  for all u know is it like some kinda open invitation to sky dive ? And if that is true then I need to apply for Al Qaeda's graduate recruitment program with specialization in aviation & tower collision (wish me luck!!)

When you want something really badly the whole universe conspires for you to achieve that dream. But bear in mind that in flight journeys it works the exact opposite way. So if you wish to sit next to a hot chick the WHOLE universe conspires to make sure that you are sitting with people of your grandfather's age.

Last but not the least.

Dear Jet Airways,
Could you please keep that inflight instrumental music that you play before takeoff reserved for my funeral?? Makes me wanna immediately grab a pen & paper and write out my will & thereby transfer the ownership of ALL my assets (laptop,mobile & 2-3 untorn underwears) to my descendants.

Disclaimer - This is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author was NOT even paid peanuts (both figuratively & literally) by any of the airlines mentioned as they already had plenty of unpaid staff to give false promises to. Needless to say the author has given up air travel & is currently using all the IT resources at his disposal (ie his neighbour's WiFi) to get past the IRCTC website to book railway tickets.

McDonald’s to pay heavy compensation to lady for delivering the wrong burger

The following article was featured  on Fakingnews.com  Click here

The root cause of trouble

In a recent case of negligence fast food giant McDonald’s delivered the wrong burger to Ms Gupta. Ms Gupta narrated the whole story to us and was kind enough to serve us expired Rooh Afzah while we gave her a patient hearing:

“I had returned late from office & was too tired to cook. so I had ordered a Mc Aloo tikki burger meal on the phone. I am a staunch vegetarian so I never consume any of their non veg items. In about 45 mins the delivery boy rang my bell. I paid the bill and when I opened the box I was shocked to find a huge burger. It had not 1 but 2 tikkis in it!”

“I was so shocked that I decided that I will surely sue them for this fault!”“Since I was too hungry I just opened the paper wrapping & started eating it like a famished kid. I must admit that it was QUITE large than it usually is. And hell yeah !! It did taste a lot better than before. In fact it was a challenge even biting the burger.For some strange reason the tikkis were succulent, soft & didn’t taste like the ordinary ones. After finishing my burger I was just munching a lettuce leaf that had fallen on my plate when I noticed the non-veg sign on the wrapper!”

“I am a very religious person. I immediately called up my pundit for consultation and he said for this sin I will have to feed a cow grass for the next 8 months every morning at 11:35 sharp. Now I am in a big dilemma coz I can’t really take a cow with me to my MNC office campus in Gurgaon to feed it. You know it looks kinda awkward. After some intense negotiations with my pundit I have finally worked out a way to accomplish this task,” she came up with more details.”

“My maid will feed the cow on my behalf and I will sit in my office and watch the live stream & say soothing words to the cow through Skype.  Brilliant idea right???”"

Reporter- Ya absolutely ma’am.!! Infact calling it brilliant would be an understatement , it’s simply revolutionary.I am sure the founders of Skype will be very proud of you today.

Our source Mr Khoofia Khabri on the condition of anonymity described the court scene a lil bit-

McD lawyer- We gave you a Mc Maharaja burger at the price of a Mc Aloo tikki.Instead of being grateful to us, you filed a court case against us.

Ms Gupta- See judge sahib they want to take advantage of my ignorance.

McD lawyer -Holy shit!! how can u realize that it was non veg AFTER eating the whole burger up?

Ms Gupta- No, no nothing doing.It’s your fault pay up.My cousin who lives in the Amreeka also sued her local pizza outlet for giving 1 sachet of oregano seasoning instead of 2.The pizza outlet had to pay her a hefty compensation for this mistake.

McD lawyer- My lord the lady doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Judge- LOL! I dare you to say that to your wife. I will be more than happy to judge your divorce case.

Ms Gupta – This is the problem nobody understands the emotional , sociological, psychological problems suffered by me. after consuming the non veg burger

McD lawyer- Bitch plz!! I saw u googling these words on your laptop before the court session

Judge- After hearing the pleas of both parties I have come to the conclusion that McDonalds will have to pay up a GRAND sum of Rs 15000 to Ms Gupta for this grave error on your part. This is in accordance with the consumer protection act laws. & now time for my random insignificant quote of the day                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “Ladies and gentlemen as u can see everyone is equal in the eyes of law. Whether u are a douchebag or not”

After winning the court case Ms Gupta was seen partying & enjoying Butter chicken with her friends at Pappu da dhaba.

Reporter- Ma’am but we thought you were veg?

Ms Gupta- Ya ur right.I WAS veg.

Reporter – So aren’t you feeling guilty after consuming non veg??

Ms Gupta sarcastically remarked- Oh no not at all.Infact I’m lovin it !! 

Disclaimer- The above article is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author is kinda veg on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Mondays due to religious reasons & is kinda non veg on the other days of the week. The author admires the whole concept of vegetarianism and personally adores the brave people who defy all odds & end up ordering Paneer roll in KFC while their friends gobble down a few KFC chicken buckets sitting right in front of them.

Khap panchayat declares a ban on Justin Bieber songs

"Justin tujhe toh dekh lenge!!  Ek baar Haryana toh aa Incredible India ki ser karvayenge tujhe" -Khap Panchayat

Khap Panchayat recently declared a ban on Justin Bieber songs leaving thousands of his fans (aka Biliebers to sound cool) shocked across the nation.

The Khap Panchayat head had this to say- 
"We were receiving many complaints regarding Justin Bieber's songs since the past few days. The other day we all were kinda bored as there was no other hot issue in the nation left over which we hadn't given our worldly wise views over so one of our members suggested that we play some Justin Bieber track to chill. We had to shut down the music system within 5 mins itself coz the lyrics were just too vulgar and derogatory in nature. I don't understand what is the need for singing lyrics like 'Babyyy Babyy Babyy OOOuuuuuuu' . Freedom of expression does not mean that you can get away with any bullshit. Therefore we urge the government to ban his songs before our culture gets destroyed"

Justin Bieber said -
 "I would like to humbly apologize to all my fans in India in case I have hurt their sentiments by mistake. Till date I was always under the belief that my songs were a refreshing change for a nation accustomed to Himesh Reshammiya's tracks.But I was so wrong.I would like to say sorry to Khap Panchayat too. Would love to have a hookah session with them to clear the 'air between us' both literally and figuratively."

Yo Yo Honey Singh responded -

" This serves him right.Now that both his and my songs are banned across India, it's high time we both collaborate and produce some new tunes together. I have always believed in the philosophy that 'pervert minds think alike'.And to be honest I am still a lil clueless as to why my songs are criticized for their lyrics considering that 80% of my lyrics in every song is simply me shouting Yooo Yoooo Hannnii  Siiingh"

Minister for Information and Broadcasting responded -
"I totally support the Khap Panchayat's view on this matter. That particular track of Justin is extremely perverted and deserves a ban indeed. We have already issued a legal notice to him and shall take all steps to uphold the cultural values of our nation. "

But ma'am don't you think that this will spoil Indo Canada relations considering that Justin hails from Canada??

"(laughs) Oh no no not at all. It will not have any adverse effect on Indo Punjab relations"

But ma'am I said Indo Canada relations not Indo Punjab...

"Same thing re. Call it Punjab or Canada.How does it make any difference.? Canadians are a minority out there anyways. Sardars have outnumbered them a long time back. Hadipppaaa.Oye Balle Balle"

Needless to say our reporter fled away after seeing the minister break into an impromptu Bhangra.

Meanwhile a female Justin Bieber fan on a condition of anonymity said-         
    

"K I get it Chikni Chameli,Munni badnaam hui etc songs are fine but that Baby Baby song of his is apparently considered extremely vulgar in our society.My love for Justin will remain till my dad do us apart, oh sorry I meant till death do us apart! "

DISCLAIMER- The above article is a work of pure fiction and is meant to be taken in good humour. However in case any of your sentiments were hurt kindly keep your lathis & hockey sticks to yourself because the author is a black belt in karate (in an alternate universe of course).

Open letter to the 'leftover human race'

"We may troll u guys!!"- Mayans

Incase the world ends today, I feel that it's my moral responsibility to share with you guys some tips that would ensure your race doesn't end as fast as ours.

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

If you are reading this ...congrats!! You have survived & shall inhabit the earth for some more years before yet another lame prediction of Mayans is discovered.

1) Hopefully unlike me, you don't have to endure Justin Bieber songs ever. So your chances of living a longer life increase by default. Lucky you!!

2) Our generation was in the social networking era. We had immense opportunities to click our profile pics in our bathrooms, Instragram a pic of every morsel of food we had. (& yes did I forget to mention, that we even had the chance to reduce poverty on our planet by simply 'liking' pics of poor people on FB).In the best interests of human sanity DON'T do that.

3)  Banking system was real bad while we were alive. Most of us were deep in debt. (infact some of us even mortgaged our family members for getting loans). But to come to think of it, we are not the only ones to be blamed. Partial blame even goes to the people employed in call centres who used to win our dumb masses over with those 5 golden words - "You are our lucky customer".

4) Downloading pirated stuff ie games,movies etc was our national sport  which we did practice very diligently. Carry on the legacy!! (& ya be kind and don't password protect your wi fi network. Come on that's the least you could do to serve the society.)

5) My fellow homo sapiens have been immensely addicted to profound things about film celebrities like the no of lettuce leaves they put in their burgers,  the  different body parts they have been operated on, the no of times they have worn the same pair of heels in a decade etc. We also loved testing our peers on these facts and declaring them as outcastes/'nerds' if they got any answer wrong. Kindly stay away from such bullshit facts .It will kinda help in not bringing human intellectual progress to a standstill.

6) The only hope of making it big during our days was receiving emails sent from angels around the globe who needed our help (& bank a/c numbers to send us millions of dollars). Sadly enough they turned out to be Nigerian scamsters. :( Rascals!!

7) For heaven sake DO NOT put sentimental/emotional/heart-warming things in your status updates after hunting for them on Google. No one gives a damn. Seriously. (Ok  I might be kind enough to acknowledge your copying & pasting skills on the computer. Will do it by leaving only a 'k' in the comments sections after reading through the 3 long paragraphs you have pasted as your status message. This cruelty shall be done ONLY to piss you off. Get it??

8) Incase you do come across any fitness related articles which tell you to diet, go to the gym, stare at the sun for 3 hrs nonstop to gain Vitamin D, try some unique yoga posture which will ensure that you remain bedridden for atleast a month to come etc. Plz BURN them!!! The ones who need it won't read it, anyways. So what's the point of keeping them??

9) In our days , there was a breed of homo sapiens who achieved the skills of a pro photographer just by owning a Cannon DSLR camera . Plz burn down a few Canon DSLRs too. You shall be hailed as a 'saviour' for the field of photography just by doing this task. Trust me.

10) In the future no matter how advanced telecommunications systems get when the guy you are speaking to over the phone is not able to hear your voice & responds by screaming "Hello, helloooooo, Helloooooooo". You do NOT have to match his screaming skills by doing the same. Just keep the phone down and call him up again. It's that simple.

11) Eating a dosa with a spoon and a fork is DUMB & cannot be justified by any means whatsoever. About time you start munching pani puris using chopsticks too. Seems legit !!

12) Wearing sunglasses at night is NOT all that 'cool'. Don't worry the street lights won't make you go blind & neither will the paparazzi drop from the sky and start clicking your pics. Incase you do get blind, don't worry coz Aishwarya Rai has already pledged her eyes for donation after her demise. But you gotto wait for a few more decades to see things from 'her point of view' literally.

13) If you are a guy,  contrary to popular belief wearing your pants way too low doesn't really increase your chances at pleasing the opposite gender. Sorry neither I nor the rest of the world at large is interested in checking whether you are wearing a Rupa or a Jockey underwear. And since when did your underwear brand become a sign of your economic status?? . Not sure of your economic status but it does reflect quite a bit about your intellectual status.                                                                                                               

So for heaven sake pull your pants UP a lil !!                                                                                                                       Thanks A TON !!,   Regards,                              The gravitational force on earth                                                                                                                                        

Man fires at waiter for less than optimal butter on his paratha

The following article has been featured on FakingNews.com -India's no 1 news satire website.To view it Click here

Not enough butter

Mr Rajesh is a typical Delhi guy. He gets into brawls at the drop of a hat or a laathi (as the case may be). He is extremely fond of food (the one with 2 legs and wings revered for it's LEG PIECE) . He is more concerned about his neighbour's economic status than the nation's GDP.COnce in a while he also makes lewd comments at girls only to get the usual "tere ghar mein maa behen nahi hai kya?? Kalmoohe". Now he has become quite used to these comments and takes them in his stride. He is also a loyal consumer of 'Gucchi Vucchi' and aspires to buy a 'Prada Shada ' one day.

Recently he visited a popular paratha food joint in Chandni Chowk for breakfast. Everything was fine till the time he was served his aloo paratha after which hell broke loose. Rajesh was immensely disappointed at the number of butter cubes on his paratha and got into a brawl with the waiter. It is a popular belief that any Punjabi's happiness level is directly proportional to the milk products served to him/her. And this incident just proved it.

"Only 2 cubes?? How the hell am I supposed to eat a whole paratha with so lil butter." Overheard an eyewitness sitting on the next tableat the scene of crime .

Rajesh soon took out his pistol and opened fire at the waiter. Luckily the waiter survived by hiding under the tables.

India TV reporters soon started interviewing both the parties involved in the incident coz apparently they were no alien sightings all day long and they had run out of stuff to show the audience.

Reporter to Rajesh: Sir what made u do this crime ?

Rajesh- Well I recently came to know through the news that another man in Delhi shot a waiter for serving him leftover food. I don't think I did anything wrong by firing at him. He asked for it, by giving me such lil butter.

Reporter- Sir we came to know that you  have a VLCC gym membership.

Rajesh- Come on why would I not take it?? They were charging Rs 15,000  more than Fitness First gym in which our neighbours the Guptas  have signed up. Gotto maintain my social status you see.

Reporter- Sir but we heard that you were on a diet. Is it true?

Rajesh- Ya I am extremely diet conscious. I do pour in half the packet of Sugarfree Natura in my morning cup of tea everyday to stay fit. Nowadays  I consume less of the meethi chutney while having samosas. Heard that it's very fattening.

Reporter- And fried aloo samosas help in reducing your weight, I suppose?
Rajesh- Next question plz!!

When asked the public relations head of Amul whether they would take any moral responsibility for this unfortunate incident he replied -                                                              

Sorry no comments. By the way can you say this tongue twister faster than me ?? 'Betty bought a bit of butter, but the butter was bitter. So she bought a bit of better butter to make the bitter butter, better.'

Needless to say the brave & daredevil reporters fled the scene.

The Health Minister had this to say "After looking through the matter all I can say is that butter consumption needs to be curtailed ASAP. This whole myth that eating endless amounts of butter makes you healthy is complete bullshit. Drinking Bournvita was supposed to make my kid tall and intelligent. Did that happen?? NOOOO!! Now if you could please excuse me. It's time for my 3 hour power nap."

DISCLAIMER : This is a work of pure fiction and is meant to be taken in good humour . No parathas were gobbled while writing this & the author shall refrain from consuming any parathas for the next 3 hours to show his grief over what happened. Neither Amul, it's subsidaries or the author's doodh vala bribed him with any free milk to promote them in this article.     

Man shocked after finding no Chhole Bhature in Starbucks menu

The following article has been featured on FakingNews.com -India's no 1 news satire website. To view it. Click here 

Mr Prakash an accountant working for a local company recently visited Starbucks after borrowing Rs 2000 from his colleagues on the pretext that he needed the cash urgently to buy medicines for his ill mother. Mr Prakash shares his experience with us:

As soon as I entered the security guards gave me odd looks, I guess because I didn’t have any Rolex on my wrist or a Mont Blanc in my front pocket.
I then started reading the menu and I was shocked beyond measure to find that there was no mention of Chole Bhature in the whole menu. They had promised to incorporate local flavours in their menu. Liars!!

I personally feel that they could have made the menu a lot easier for the indian consumers because anyways half the people can’t make out the difference between a Cappuccino, Frappuccino & a Mochaccino. I would have appreciated if they would have described these drinks with simple names like 
“Zyaada Doodh vali, Kali vali, Kam Jhaag (froth) vali etc”.

The prices were sky high as expected.I must admit after eating a tiny croissant for Rs 450 when the waiter asked me if I wanted to order more though I was starving inside I had to reply “No I am not hungry at all. Just ordered the croissant to see if it’s any better than the one my chai vala gives.”

Like the other customers present in the cafe even I had an inexplicable urge to click random pics making sure that the Starbucks symbol is prominently seen in every pic & uploading it on Facebook the moment  I enter home with the caption “Me chilling at Starbucks!!” How I wish my mobile battery hadn’t drained down when I was there. 

Anyways I did steal a few of their tissue papers with their symbol on it. I might frame them on my wall so I can prove to the Gupta’s next door that I am not as poor as they think of me to be.

I recently came to know that Starbucks entered in India after a joint venture deal with the Tata group. I am sure that this would turn out to be a win win situation for both. The Starbucks experience is one of a kind Come on we can lure people into buying a Tata Nano with an “all expenses paid visit for 2 to India’s first Starbucks where you get to share 1 whole cold bottle of the finest mineral water while seated on comfortable cushions with the soothing melodies of Himesh Reshammiya jazz singers playing in the background & experience award winning Starbucks hospitality for free *T&C apply”

Disclaimer : This is a work of pure fiction.Incase your feelings were hurt after reading this you may please walk down to the nearest South Indian restaurant where a waiter with shining white teeth & plenty of coconut oil in his hair (enough to make Saudi Arabia feel shy of their oil reserves) will be more than happy to serve you a piping hot glass of filter coffee for you to drown your sorrows in.

COMING SOON !!!

Breaking News: Indian Astronaut Sunita Williams thanks Ekta Kapoor from space

A few days back Indian astronaut Sunita Williams in a video message live from space thanked Ekta Kapoor for bringing an inspiring & immensely thought provoking TV serial "Bade Ache Lagte Hai" to indian audiences.

She also said "I never fail to miss any episode of this TV serial.Ram Kapoor's acting & dancing skills are beyond par. I totally love the way how both Ram & Priya , the main protagonists of the show, never unite for months no matter how many coconuts are broken across temples in India in the faint hope to see them unite atleast once."

When asked further about what else she likes to watch she added:                   

"I do watch India TV for all news updates related to the alien world. Their team is doing a great job covering extraterrestrial activities. When I feel lazy I switch to Aastha TV where Baba Ramdev does his Yoga.     I must admit it's a real pleasure seeing someone sweat it out as I chew my chicken burger with extra cheese in it. I wish him well in all his future ventures & adventures"

Reporter : "Ma'am by adventure are you hinting at his Ramlila Maidan fleeing incident??"

Sunita "Cough !!! Cough!! Of course how can can anyone forget that marathon run.It is very generous of Babaji that he decided to promote women rights by wearing salwar kameez before fleeing the venue.He is a true visionary.I mean figuratively not literally considering his squint eye."

To this news Ekta Kapoor reacted "I am totally humbled by the response of  such a great personality like Sunita.I feel so glad to know that I have successfully managed to fool audiences in the outer world too.Yaay!!"

A source from Balaji Telefilms on the condition of anonymity said        "It's all a conspiracy to boost the show's falling TRP levels.Thanks to the number of flops her brother Tushar Kapoor (aka Tusshar Kapoor for numerological reasons, not that it made any difference to his career graph) delivers regularly year after year our production house is amidst a grave financial crises. Since the time he made Uday Chopra as his mentor we have started producing bigger budget flops. We might file for bankruptcy soon."

A spokesman at the NASA headquarters,Houston said:

"We do advise astronauts to watch their favourite shows while on a mission which are streamed live via satellite. This because as an organization we believe that a work life balance should be striked upon & considering that the astronauts are in a zero gravity zone which makes them out of balance either ways, entertainment becomes a pertinent source of survival. Statistically speaking astronauts that watch TV onboard take 15% less loo breaks during the mission compared to astronauts that do not watch TV at all. This helps in improving our overall efficiency."

Tusshar Kapoor updated his Facebook status "Congrats Ekta didi!! This song is dedicated to u!!  Phoolo ka taaro ka sabka kehna hai ek hazaaro mein meri behna hai.Saari umar hume audience ko pakana hai (CHORUS) LA LA LA LAAA LA LA LAAAA LAAA LALA LA"  Our investigations reveal that his grand fan following 2.5 homo sapiens 'liked' this status update.

An elated Ram Kapoor said "It's great that people from prestigious organizations like NASA have recognized our work. This paves our way further to the NASA headquarters where we can do our future episodes. In fact our director just sent an SMS to me saying "1000th episode script confirmed.Pihu joins NASA as an astronaut."

When asked his views on the whole matter the ISRO Director Mr Balasubramaniam said "WTF is she doing up there???" 

Rakesh Roshan said:

"Species of the outer world like Sunita have had close ties with Bollywood ever since I casted Jaadu in my film Koi Mil Gaya.It's rather disappointing to know that Jaadu used me as a stepping stone to success. I have heard rumours that he is featuring in Yash Chopra's next big banner film.I am seriously considering resigning from my post as the India Chapter chairman of PETA (People for the ethical treatment of aliens)."

Reporter: "But sir, I would like to correct you. Sunita is not a species of the outer world as you just said!!."

Rakesh Roshan "Oh don't try fooling me. As if I don't know that she is trying to evade taxes by migrating into space.Loser!!"

-As reported by You Know Who
(You Better Know Who!!)

DISCLAIMER: The article above is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. Incase you actually believed me you are:


a) Tusshar Kapoor  

OR
b) A homo sapien with the same IQ as him or possibly much lower.

In either which case your existence on the planet serves not much purpose besides defaming your family,Pinky aunty next door & your neighbourhood halwai.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation

For more breaking news updates click here !!

Stay Tuned !!!

A new exclusive section on our website !!! To be launched soon as soon as I regain my sanity levels. Keep Praying!! ;)

                                          

I LOVE POLITICS

Observing the title given above you must be definitely wondering if I have lost it. Trust me, your views be it good or bad don’t really in any way jeopardize my existence on this planet. The fact remains that I do love the politics being played in my nation .I have many reasons to support this statement.

In India politicians seem to be the 2nd most prized possession after those lovely green smiling Gandhi Bapu notes. Traditionally politics was considered to be one of the noblest professions to get into. Till date it remains the most financially rewarding profession to be in. Besides their own constituencies our politicians have their views regarding anything and everything under the sun.

Once every decade I switch to Doordarshan channel to watch the parliamentary proceedings not for any informative purposes but for amusement reasons. I do believe that the most condemned job of the nation is of the speaker of the House. Apparently apart from the speaker of the House everyone else is speaking. My sincerest sympathies go to the speaker of the House who has to handle a huge bunch of misbehaved kids like a nursery school teacher. Trust me, if things were in my hand I would have surely conferred the Noble Peace Prize to the speaker.

Our politicians leave no stone unturned in transforming the parliament into a WWE match. Any tangible object within their hand’s reach is thrown graciously at their opponent only to realize that they have terribly missed their shot. While the rest of the people are busy dodging these unidentified flying objects (UFO).Then there are the sleepy politicians who oblivious to the commotion around them are busy hibernating like bears in the periphery of the Parliament.

The other thing that makes me envious of our politicians is the huge convoy of cars that they have to protect them from unforeseen dangers on the roads like cows, dogs and occasionally bombs.

It is not easy being a politician in India. There is an unsaid criterion that one has to meet to become a politician.

1) Be Illiterate. Knowledge of a few random words of other languages would be an added advantage.

2) Have a few Swiss bank accounts at your disposal.

3) Have a decent crime record. By decent I mean atleast a dozen or two criminal cases pending against you for murder, kidnapping extortion, theft etc. You are free to specialize in any field of your choice.

With passage of time our politicians have realized that their speeches serve as effective substitutes for sleeping pills to the masses. They are still quite optimistic of awakening our sleep, if not our souls.

Election time is possibly the only time we see our politicians visiting their constituencies to verify traces of human existence. The day is not far away when politicians would be gifting away McDonald’s & Pizza Hut meal vouchers to lure their potential voters.

I firmly believe that the recent shoe throwing spree on politicians should be officially declared as a national sport and Bata should become the official shoe partner for this event. After all it’s our national pride at stake.

Now the lengthy manifestos issued by various political parties remind me of my school days where using more supplementary sheets than your friends during exams was a bigger challenge than the exam itself. We rose to fame thanks to our results which kept decreasing with time & consequently increasing our trips to the principal’s office. 

On a few occasions when I have been asked as to which party do I lend my support, my answer has always remained “Birthday parties”. But then again I am equally supportive of wedding parties too.

In conclusion I would like to say that if I have knowingly or unknowingly hurt any of your non-existent political sentiments you are free to send your assassins all over the city to hunt me down. Before you know it you may just be on your path to becoming a ruthless politician yourself.

The Laughing Messiah Productions salutes these brave warriors.
(Check out the video below to know more about their valiant deeds)

                                                                              

BOLLYWOOD UNCUT

Indian Cinema has left a profound impact on me. I have started believing the unbelievable. I don’t question the protagonist’s physical strength anymore as he tries to battle with a 100 or more villains double his size with absolute perfection and gets away with a few minor scratches. I can predict the plot of the film with 99% perfection (or maybe 99.28% to be more precise) after enduring the first five minutes of the film.

A typical Indian movie will start like every other movie by naming most of the culprits who are behind this film just incase u want to appreciate their efforts by shooting them down after watching the film. Come on we live in a free country where we enjoy right to speech (whether your audience is sleeping or awake), right to education (often terminated by failing you in Maths), right to practice any profession (kidnapping included),right to shoot @ sight (k got to clarify this one.)

Then we have the Censor Board certificate with miniscule writing which for some strange reasons is a document that the audience tries it's level best to read every word written with great curiosity as if it’s Bill Gates will that is presented on the 360 mm wide screen. Mentally they get to divide his fortune worth billions amongst themselves. Must admit it’s quite a good feeling especially when you have recovery agents of all possible banks in existence or (moving out of existence in the financial crises) chasing you from one street to another making you appear as a regular cross country marathon runner.

Indian movies are flamboyant in every respect .Everything is king size be it their beds, homes or even their families. The hero is always either ultra-rich or ultra-poor. We love breaking into impromptu dances be it on weddings or funerals. If it’s a foreign location where our song is being shot the urge to dance at public spots simply multiplies. Critics might call it the spread of Indian culture but for me it is simply insanity glorified.

The spectacular part about our movies is that they are twice the length of Hollywood movies with half the content. The interval serves as a good reason to crib about the film and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of the other half & a short trip to the loo with long queues at the urinal and the refreshing sounds of the flush in the background. ;)

Our heroes are true heroes in every respect. No matter how many bullets pierce through their skin they won’t die before finishing their dialogue. The heroines are the delicate darlings who besides staring at the mirror and perpetually admiring their beauty can occasionally be seen running around trees and bush seeking eco-friendly private spots. Contrary to popular belief it is always the vamp lady that ends up uniting the whole family to seek vengeance against her.

The villains are the best and most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero while the rest form a circle and get busy giving angry looks on their face. As soon as they get beaten one each one goes to some extreme corner and lie down wriggling in pain. So you see it’s good to be bad in our films.

Horror stories are equally bizarre .Don’t be surprised if you see people coming out laughing after seeing a horror movie .The horror element consists of possibly a few body parts lying split around here and there and not to forget the weird noises in the background much to the delight of the almost tone deaf audience whose ears have endured the likes of Himesh Reshammiya!! The Laughing Messiah Productions salutes these brave souls.

I have had my share of fame way back in childhood when I got a lot of critical acclaim for playing the role of a tree in a play in kindergarten. My role was to just keep my mouth shut and stay in my costume praying for the play to end fast enough before I wet my pants. Needless to say my career graph in acting suffered a lot and the inner actor in me came alive only when my Maths marks were declared during high school and I had to shed a few tears at home to express my grief at my marks while being excited at the prospects of a sumptuous meal to follow.

Indian cinema has gained immense popularity overseas for unknown reasons.According to me it's because-

a) Foreigners have not come across any of Chunky Pandey’s films as yet otherwise a global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

b) Govinda’s dance moves have inspired millions to abandon dancing all together.

c)  Audiences feel that it's their moral responsibility to go and watch Uday Chopra's movies  as a mark of   respect to his dad for giving innumerable blockbuster hits.

d) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than the whole Torrid Zone put together.

e) SRK's romantic dialogues are the cause of numerous break ups world wide.
"Tum toh SRK ke dialogues hi copy kar sakte ho, uski tarah romance nahi kar sakte.Get lost.I don't need u any more!!"

f) Hollywood films don't always come with happy endings.

Signing out before I start receiving the "critic of the year" award (if something like that exists on our planet)!! 

INTRODUCTION

Hello & a warm (incase ur AC conked off this morning) welcome to my blog.Since this is my first blog post and shall be remembered for generations to come by my descendants (hopefully if their memory power is greater than mine & they don't consume any of those fake memory boosting pills which I believe is the sole reason for my goldfish like memory.) It does feel very exciting to write the first post especially after getting many death threats,abduction calls etc to start a blog.(Don't worry I hv been kind enough not to file FIRs in ur names). For your motivation I am truly thankful friends & for the posts that I upload henceforth you shall be cursing your stars for having encouraged me to start a blog.And that's a promise I make today.The picture above this text conveys a thousand emotions & thoughts like "what the fuck,what the hell,how dare he?" must be whizzing through your minds for sure.My blessings are with all you distressed souls.To my foes, I would like to admit that every morning I pray that Salman Khan drives his BMW over you after a drunk spree but God has his own ways & prefers you to get trampled over by buses & trucks.I know its kinda dumb that I am starting my first blog post with an ''Under Construction'' notice.Apologies for the same.Blame my dreaded upcoming exams for it,not me. Will be more regular soon post exams if my sanity is not lost till then (fingers crossed). Trust me, it takes a lot of patience, courage & skills while you are trying to type with your chin on the keyboard while simultaneously battling with a sauce bottle that won't open & balancing a McMaharaja burger in the other hand whose stuffing will drop down any moment from now.Incase you are reading this blog for gaining some inspiration,intellectual wisdom,motivational stuff etc.Close your computer RIGHT NOW!! For what you shall be reading in the forthcoming posts shall lift your faith away from humanity & sanity in particular.Till we meet again be cruel to your fellow homo sapiens & kind to the bull dogs in your neighbourhood.You never know when they might interchange their roles.Do check out the FAQs,Meet our team,Charity etc links at the top of this post for further info.Bye.Adios.Tc.Thanks for visiting this blog.May God bless u all despite of ur 5 Rs donations to temples etc (which again is pro rota allotted between different idols depending on pre exam or pre results period.) .We shall reunite in hell for sure.(Just co-ordinate ur dates with me before leaving & things will be fine) ;)