Saturday, 2 April 2016

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

A beginner's guide to the Indian Budget 2016

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)

It was that day of the year yesterday. I mean February 29, which comes once in every four years. It is quite literally the Uday Chopra of the Gregorian calendar. You know it's going to strike you and yet there's nothing you can do to prevent it.

Besides this, there were other matters of global prominence too, namely, the Oscars and "OMG, OMG Priyanka Chopra exhaling carbon dioxide at the Oscars." This comes as a bit of a surprise, as Indian emotions in general about American matters are pretty limited to whether or not American customs will allow you to take mango pickle into the country.

However yesterday was also Budget Day in India, or as I would like to call it, the "annual CA planetary relevance reminder". Now Budget speeches are way too boring and require endurance to watch from start to finish. Especially when Indian audiences are accustomed to the "WWE Hell in the Cell" theatrics, which are quite a common sight on an average day in the Parliament.

Budget speeches are filled with way too much of financial jargon for the common man to comprehend. Allow me to, then, put my knowledge of accountancy to some good public use finally and gain some karmic brownie points in the bargain. Trust me, you're in safe hands... well almost!

The budget session of the Parliament started as always with the finance minister posing in front of the press with an age-old briefcase which is supposed to contain the well-guarded Budget papers. In an alternate universe, in case I do get selected for this coveted post, I would love to just open a briefcase full of samosas and kachoris on Budget Day simply to troll the photographers.

The standard operating procedures are pretty simple. News channels across the nation stream Budget updates live and citizens are supposed to act shocked and traumatised over every other announcement as if they didn't know the Budget was going to screw them up eventually. It's like walking into a Barbecue Nation outlet for dinner and getting stunned by diarrhoea next morning.
While hogging away a year worth of calories in one meal, deep within, you knew very well that things won't go too well next morning, but you still carried on shamelessly. Coincidentally, this is how the government works too. When you splurge a bit too much, you need to unload a fraction of your wealth to the government coffers too.

The trauma is usually accompanied by choicest slur words aimed at ministers and their posterity.

Cigarette prices have been raised to promote cohesion amongst teenage addicts and also to teach them the importance of sharing, be it the lunch box or their packet of Gold Flake. Movie tickets are also going to cost more shortly, which is a subtle way of saying 

"Hey, who the f**k are you to enjoy simple pleasures in life, that too in Dolby Digital Surround Sound, when the movie is going to come up on TV two months down the line?"

Electronic items would get costlier so you might not want to sever ties with your foreign-based relatives even though they usurped all your ancestral property. Branded garments will attract higher excise duties thus giving snobbish kids more things to brag about, besides their cars, houses and that De Beers diamond necklace which coincidentally happens to come with a loving and caring mom attached to it. You see, on a scale of priorities, human emotions come after materialistic possessions for this breed.

Start-ups formed between April 2016 and March 2019 shall enjoy a tax break for three years unless they make a viral YouTube web series midway chronicling their struggles, in which case, they shall get rewarded with a cameo by none other than Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

Provident funds, that is, the last hope of social security for the salaried class shall become taxable soon. Bet the conversation between a middle class person and a government employee would be as follows:

Middle class guy: "Hey, you can't just tax my whole life's savings, that too when I am about to retire!"

Government guy: "Don't get so emotional. At least you didn't get rammed and killed by the SUV of a drunk celebrity. Isn't that enough mental relief?"

Middle class guy: "Boss, what about my social security?"

Government guy: "You know you could have been struck down by lightening, floods, lamp posts falling, open sewers, what not. India offers some highly creative ways to get killed. Count your blessings."

Middle class guy: "What the..."

Government guy: "Bloody greedy guy you are!"

Telephone bills shall get higher owing to increased telecom spectrum rates. So just in case you're looking around for a credible reason to snap out of your long distance relationship, this is a godsend opportunity indeed.

Food outings at restaurants shall cost more owing to higher service tax which shall inevitably cause a sharp rise of a new breed of foodies who shall overnight discover their passion for street food at roadside stalls.

SUVs shall attract a cess of four per cent from henceforth. However, vehicles registered as ambulances and used solely as ambulances shall be exempt from cess. So just in case you have a habit of going to parties in ambulances, blasting "To Brazil" by Vengaboys on full volume,

a) You are an a**hole indeed!

b) You will have to pay taxes to pursue this noble hobby of yours.
The government is also offering a four-month compliance window for domestic black money holders to search deep within their soul for finding out any last few shreds of morality.

Last, but not the least, here are a few terms for your reference. It's strongly recommended that you use them to sound wise in any conversations remotely revolving around the topic of the Budget.
1. Crony capitalism.
2. Dampened spirits.
3. Creditable credit.
4. Transgressors (a "cooler" synonym for violators).
5. Fiscal deficit target.
6. Financial rationalisation.

Yes, you're welcome!
Here's hoping that we have a prosperous year ahead and also that we get the opportunity to time travel in the future just to see if our green cards get approved or not.

Disclaimer: Do not take any financial or personal decisions on the basis of the article above. Just in case you do, feel free to mail me as to how horribly wrong it went. I might just get some material for my next column.

Saturday, 27 February 2016

Tips to nail a job interview


It's a competitive job market out there. 
Here's a few tips to give you the wining edge.Subscribe to my youtube channel for upcoming videos.Click Here Stay tuned for more!

Friday, 11 December 2015

My meat is more tolerable than yours

Candid pic of Osmania University students busy outraging.Call now for organizing beef parties at your home.

Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here

Food is the basis for mankind's existence on the planet. It also that thing which human society deems ‘edible’ & ‘fresh’ by the mere sprinkling of few coriander leaves over it. In prehistoric times food consisted primarily of a mixture of wild dusty leaves & raw meat or as McDonald's calls it Chicken Salad.

Amidst the nationwide intolerance debate, Osmania University has vowed to make its little contribution by organizing a beef festival .Another student body within the same campus decided to launch a counter campaign by announcing a pork festival. Now it's a well-known fact that consumption of beef and pork is considered nothing short of a sin in Hindu & Muslim communities respectively.
Such acts would eventually cause communal conflicts.

Since the student bodies at Osmania University are on a religious sentiment hurting spree, let’s burn a few more bridges. Shall we?
Hey Osmania University kids,
#FunFact - Jain religion prohibits consumption of all kinds of meat, garlic, onions amongst other things. So here's hoping I am getting complimentary passes to your annual Chicken Adraki (Ginger Chicken) festival.

I believe the only time in pre independent India the beef controversy gained traction was during Mangal Pandey’s when the bullets were rumoured to be greased with pig & cow fat. Mangal Pandey felt scandalized indeed. It’s one of those anomalies to strike the face of earth like Mad Over Donuts serving motichur ladoo flavoured donuts.

I personally don't quite get the logic behind these all–you-can-eat buffet protests. Now if my local cinema chain doesn’t allow me to take home food inside the hall. It’s a set rule. I don’t think in this or an alternate universe, will I ever go and munch aloo parathas at the cinema entrance to mark my protest. There are better ways to address the matter. If one simply has to outrage to kill time, then outrage for the some worthy causes at least like poverty, illiteracy etc.

Both protests, be it the beef or pork one are equally pointless. By all means consume it in your house unless you happen to reside in states where its consumption is completely banned.

 Contrary to popular belief, the Gods above do not keep Microsoft Excel sheets tallying the number of times you ate what .So Jesus and Lord Krishna don’t go around exchanging KPI scores with each other-

Lord Krishna- “Bro, what if I told you I have 1.5 lakh sinners in food related offences this quarter”

Jesus-“ lol I guess it’s the right time for you to stop dreaming about your year end appraisals. Speaking of year end, my alcohol offences numbers are going to break all records this year. These Russians, I tell you never seem to get ‘enough’ of alcohol. My gun related sinner count grew marginally by 2% this quarter and according to my forecasts it will show a steady decline starting from the 2nd quarter of 2016. Anyways I will catch you later. I have a budget review session to attend.”

Unfortunately the beef festival did take place, but thanks to the heavy police force deployed on campus they could only cook it in their hostel rooms. Remember the last time you heard about hostel boys getting excited about cooking ? Ya, me neither.

Here’s hoping all the hostel kids learn some more dishes and consequently launch a swadeshi movement equivalent boycott of deplorable mess food served across hostels in India.

In conclusion, all I would like to say is that feel free to do whatever you want but just don’t get butter chicken in the midst of the debate. You see in Punjabi households like mine, intergalactic wars can get sparked off in the butter chicken supremacy debate. Till we meet again, Adios!

Friday, 9 October 2015

Guide to coping after your religious sentiments have been hurt

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)
Bapu Swag

It's a shiny Sunday afternoon. You are busy surfing the internet while simultaneously dipping mozzarella sticks into cheddar cheese dip to maintain the karmic balance on the planet.

While browsing you casually spot a random online post which is offensive to your religion. At least it looks and feels offensive to you, so it probably is. So f**k logic. What does one do now? Should you shamelessly continue munching those mozzarella sticks? 

Should you stop stalking your ex's Facebook profile to sulk about her ugly kids while simultaneously visualising what greek gods would have walked upon this earth, if the two of you had offsprings?

All of a sudden whatever you stood for in life, your values, beliefs, traditions and so on are at threat. The world has come to a standstill and the whole human clan counts on you to act responsibly, to save your religion from falling apart.

Stay calm, you are not alone in this fight for religious supremacy. Ideally, you should start by spreading the offensive post to as many people as you can over Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, email, WhatsApp and also Google Plus for those countless extraterrestrials who are loyal to it. This might offend more people than originally intended to, but the masses should be well aware that their holy gods are under attack, right?

For a moment ponder upon the benevolent, gracious, merciful (add a few dozen adjectives more according to your vocabulary level) almighty, who cannot prevent mortals from tarnishing his name. Up above in the heavens surely an angel gets barbecued when someone offends religion on our planet. Somewhere in religious texts there definitely would be a line going like, "Destroy your whole continent on the remote signs of potentially getting offended."

Do not ever feel threatened or perturbed. After all, you are indeed on a noble mission. Men making pasta single-handedly isn't cool. You know what's cool? Saving your religion and that to on a weekend. Quite an ungodly feat to pull off indeed.
To save your religion from offenders you may need the following:
1. A catchy slogan effectively conveying your feelings. If possible slyly fit the slogan into tunes of some latest item number for maximum reach, for example:

  • "Dj wale Babu, in infidels ki baja de."
  • *on infinite loop mode*

2. Good quality fluffy effigies. Decorating effigies is no joke and requires cutting edge creative skills. It's strongly recommended that you opt for eco-friendly effigies which release low carbon emissions. If not your protest, at least your effigy will be covered well by the media.

3. Angry bunch of protesters from all walks of life. To ease the process you should consider putting an ad on with your exact requirements and a few mandatory questions to filter the crème de la crème of protesters. Mandatory questions like the following can be filled in by the candidate:

Q1) How would you rank your sword-wielding abilities?

Q2) When was the last time you shot down a fellow Homo sapiens on a lousy pretext such as occupying your parking spot? (PS: Delhi applicants kindly write "not applicable" for this answer.)

Q3) In case you spot a burning school bus with kids shouting "help! help!" parked right opposite a wall with a swastika sign on it on which a guy is busy urinating, what would your next reaction be?

Voila! You are now destined for a fruitful protest. Feel free to vent outrage. The more, the merrier. Don't feel guilty at any point. Chill! The divine powers above definitely have better things to do than keeping count of your ghastly sins. God's territorial jurisdiction is pretty much limited to the US and UK, as evident by their propagating of anthems/slogans like "God save the queen" and "God bless America".

Once you are done with your protest it's time to measure how successful your protest went. It can be measured on the following parameters:

1. The number of struggling actors which popped up out of thin air to show their solidarity with your cause.

2. The number of public buses torched for viral videos.

Soldier, it's not time to sit back and rest on your laurels as yet. As a self-proclaimed guardian of your religion you should consistently endeavour to search for choiciest offensive content. Beware! If you fail to do so, you might unknowingly offend other people for not taking offence in the first place.

Till we bump into each other on yet another aimless protest, adios!

Monday, 31 August 2015

Ghajini Decoded

Article produced exclusively for MTV India-(Click Here)

(Recommended-Zoom in for better viewing- press Ctrl & + on your kebyboard)

The story keeps revolving back and forth to Aamir’s past and present. He is diagnosed with short term memory loss. He seeks to take revenge against the killers of his lady love, Kalpana (Asin).

Needless to say, things get violent as time passes.

He is Mr Perfectionist indeed. The way he adjusts the corpse of his assailant to get a perfect shot is remarkable.

Kalpana (Asin) is a happy go lucky girl working at an ad agency as a model. Throughout the film she is portrayed as 2nd in running to Mother Teresa.

Kalpana spreads a false rumour that she is dating tycoon Sanjay at the request of her manager. This rumour doesn’t come to light till the end as ‘nobody’ has seen Sanjay since he was in USA This is an idiotic logic to give but I shall be generous enough to give benefit of doubt to the scriptwriters. So let’s just assume that pigeons and smoke signals were the only way of communicating with the outer world. Sanjay acts as a struggling model in front of her & they both fall in love soon after.

Sunita (Jiah Khan) plays the role of an overenthusiastic medical student who spooks out patients for an adrenaline rush.

Sanjay, when not adoring his tattoos is usually busy beating the shit out of malnourished goons.

Ghajini is the owner of a big shot pharmaceutical company and the prime villain of this story.


Sanjay opens an orphanage in Kalpana’s name and gets back to his routine life.

Saturday, 8 August 2015

One man’s KFC bucket, is another man’s apocalypse

(Article written exclusively for FirstPost- Click Here)


The theory of human evolution suggests that the earliest known form of homo sapiens filled their bellies by eating leaves. Soon enough they discovered more productive ways of consuming leaves like smoking marijuana. Just to add some diversity to their palate, they started hunting animals for food. The rest they say is history.

Recently a family in Mumbai was harassed for cooking and consuming non veg food in their apartment. The matter soon blew out of proportion with an FIR being lodged and political parties springing into action.

The victim Govind Chavan alledged that most of the people in the building were Gujaratis and Marwaris and wanted them to leave the building.The incident began when someone threw some water from one of the balconies and the wise souls standing on the ground floor assumed it must be the Chavan family disposing water after cleaning fish. You literally need to have superpowers to smell and decipher water droplets falling from a height. Bet Lord Voldermort would have spared Harry Potter in exchange for this skill.

The angry residents marched to Chavan's house demanding an explanation for the only to be greeted with an egg hurling session orchestrated by the family members thereby ensuring that all potential discussions were disrupted.

I am not quite sure of the part of the Old Testament which read somewhat like-

"Love thy neighbour unconditionally, unless it's a gujarati in which case shower egg yolk and love (always in that order) for neighbourly brotherhood"

To add to the nail biting drama, Supriya Chavan even tossed a glass at them & got a water bottle thrown back at her.

Soon enough members of local political parties arrived on scene to lend support to the harassed family and decided to launch a protest on the spot and give the whole incident a maharashtrian v/s non maharashtrian flavour.

Our lovely nation is just a few years away from initiating "dial -a-dharna" services. Can't wait to see adverts on billboards proclaiming

"Did the sizzling brownie at your local restaurant not sizzle well enough? It's time to beat the f**k out of the restaurant owner. Call 1800-DHARNA"

Gujaratis having issues with non veg food is nothing new. Having lived in Gujarat for 3 long years I hereby assure the rest of the nation that people snorting cocaine out there have a moral high ground compared to people having non vegetarian food. Restaurants give out non veg food take aways in conspicuous black coloured polythene bags which are ironically meant to camouflage the contents although the whole world knows what you are carrying in it. You're more likely to get hospitable gazes from pedestrians while carrying rocket launchers on the streets than a packed chicken meal.

It's ironic how exchanging stale food with garnished coriander leaves amongst neighbours is applauded & considered an act of goodwill whereas eating non vegetarian food in your flat becomes an issue.

Being a non vegetarian myself, I have utmost respect for people with other dietary preferences but have an issue when people treat each other as outcastes due to their gastronomic preferences.

Vegetarians are primarily of two kinds -

a) The "I-Am-So-Pure-Veg-That-Lettuce-Leaves-Attain-Moksha-After-My- Consumption" kinds

b) The "I-Don't-Eat-NonVeg-Food-On-Tuesdays-&-Thursday-Thus-I-am Absolved-Of-All-Karmic-Sins" kinds

Pure vegetarians are a separate breed all together and are in a constant battle against the universe to eliminate any & every minute trace of non veg food in a radius of 50 kms. Recently to test my hypothesis I put a KFC apple pie in the fridge & voila soon enough it was lying in the bin. One could possibly wrap a dead body in KFC wrapping paper and rest assured your pure veg roomie will get rid of it within a few hours.

God bless the Mughals for bringing biryanis,kebabs,tikkas etc to India. In my head I cannot somehow imagine a scene with Shah Jahan feasting on broccoli and bottle gourd aka the infamous lauki & the world is a happier place ever after.

Adios for now off to much some spinach for good karma.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Et Tu Haldiram's?

Haldiram's, that one name fills all Indians with pride besides the fact that 34% of Microsoft employees & 36% of NASA employees are Indians as attested by those whatsapp forwards, a numerical fact that has never changed since the past few decades. Why? Because, f**k attrition.

For my international readers, Haldiram's is a big corporate in the F&B segment in India with prominent exports abroad.

Recent reports state that the US regulatory body FDA has declared a ban on majority of Haldiram's products as they were deemed 'unfit' for consumption. A month back Maggi, a product by Swiss food giant Nestle was banned in India by regulatory authorities due to the high lead content found in it after multiple tests. Left with no great choice fellow Indians have Top Ramen Noodles left to drown their sorrows in.

Recognizing Top Ramen Noodles as 'noodles' is potentially the 2nd biggest setback to Indian cuisine in recent years, the first one being Sanjeev Kapoor shaving off his moustache.
It's a known fact that you can add Haldiram's aloo bhujia to any dish under the sun and it will become palatable. It's undoubtedly the aam aadmi's cocaine. Like any outraged customer I marched straight into the kitchen to finish any half eaten packs of Haldiram's snacks so that I could outrage in peace happily ever after.

As a consumer I have braced myself completely, as the worst is yet to come. For all you know the divine Kelloggs Chocos might be adulterated with healthy things like 'soya' or any other satanic substance or for that matter if Frooti gets revealed as basically egg yolk with mango flavouring.

A senior official from Haldiram's commented that "some pesticides are not permitted in USA unlike India and our products are completely safe". Bet Hitler used a similar line to draw consensus for his gas concentration camps

"Gas concentration camps may not be permitted in other countries but they are safe & fool proof, trust me. I successfully eliminated thousands of Jews."

Food contamination in India is acceptable till the time a random westerner wearing a lab coat assures us on national television that what we are consuming is safe. What is a  bigger concern for me is that companies with spooky bunnies as their mascot are allowed to co- exist on the planet without any legal ramifications. No offense, Lijjat Papad.

In the coming days extensive PR campaigns will be run by both Maggi & Haldiram's to pacify their consumer base. I am glad that Haldiram's didn't ever have an A list Bollywood star as a brand ambassador lest the nation would have held him/her to ransom for quality testing issues.

Social media is a potent tool undoubtedly. Within minutes of any product contamination incident your post can get viral. Recently while going through my Facebook timeline I happened to see this picture of a dead cockroach in a chocolate ice cream pack. There were some visionary comments below it like- 

"Bro, they gave you free non veg for the price of pure veg item."

"At least the cockroach didn't end up in a flush. Thug life!"

"Cocoa is main ingredient in chocolate. Most of it comes from Africa, so avoiding anything chocolate related will save you from Ebola."

The way things are heading I am sure down the line some noble soul will publish a nostalgic book with high resolution photo collection of cockroaches who went beyond their call of duty and landed up in various Indian delicacies be it paneer masala, butter chicken etc.

Recently a study in Delhi concluded that street food contains high level of faecal matter. This study indeed raises existential questions on the foodies who suffer from the 'my pani puri guy has more water flavours than yours, Bitch!' syndrome. Death by diarrhea for the while.Off to gorge on some hand sanitizer filled pani puris. Till we meet again, Adios!  

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Moor film review

Pakistani cinema is seldom showcased to global audiences. Both India and Pakistan have a shared history and though across news screens both countries are portrayed as arch rivals at a cultural level the bond is inseparable indeed. Pakistani sitcoms, singers, actors etc have gained widespread popularity across India and Bollywood on the other hand has left Pakistani audiences mesmerized over the years. The last Pakistani film I saw was ‘Khuda Ke Liye’ (In the name of God) which was packed with some very powerful performances and a gripping screenplay.  

I was recently invited to the premiere show to review Pakistan’s official submission to the 88
th Academy Awards called ‘Moor’, by the good guys at VOX Cinemas, UAE. I have personally always been a fan of low budget films which convey poignant messages without being pompous. I am pleased to see that VOX Cinemas is lending their support to such films and giving them a well-deserved platform amidst mainstream commercial flicks.

Wahidullah, the station expert of Khost railroad station reluctantly consents to auction the railroad foundation because of political weight and guaranteed budgetary advantages. Wahidullah’s character is played by Hameed Sheikh who comes across as a very refined actor and blends into his Pashtoon character effortlessly. 

In any case, as his child Ahsanullah Khan (Shaz Khan) moves to Karachi, he gets himself laced in the quandary of not relinquishing what is inalienably his (the railroads) and grasping the hope for a better tomorrow.

The basic yet insightful execution of this story makes sit glued to your seats till the very end.
The profound comprehension of the social issue, coupled by capable exhibitions compensate for the inconveniences as the film advances.

 Hameed Sheikh's trip from complete rational soundness to anxiety is not just reflected through his quick maturing post-emergencies, additionally the unpretentious splendor with which his idiosyncrasies turn out to be more hesitant with time. The flashback scenes between him and his late wife attest the moral dilemma that he is confronted with. It’s hard to part away with your memories for money.

Shaz Khan adjusts the Pushtoon complement easily while keeping up his poise. Abdul Qadir as Baggu Baba ends up being the highlight of the film. Baggu has an extremely ridiculous state of mind towards things yet doesn't let the viewer mistake him for a comedian. The most extraordinary part of Qadir's depiction of Baggu is that he really serves as the ethical compass of the story yet never attests it.  

A pic of the endearing Baggu

The supporting cast has done a decent job in playing their respective roles. Samiya Mumtaz’s acting came out as a bit too spooky for this kind of a feel good film. The other lead actress, Sonya Hussain made a sincere attempt to portray her character and played it well indeed. However at the screenplay level, Sonya Hussain’s multiple abrupt entries throughout the film as a moral custodian were a bit annoying to watch and steered the audiences away from the free flowing storyline.

There are a lot of magnificence shots in the film offering the Pushtoon belt of Balochistan as a conceivable traveler spot for whatever is left of the world.

The soundtrack of the film when heard in separation appears to be something out of the Strings' Coke Studio yet gives a spine-chilling background when collaborated with snowcapped mountains. One of the noteworthy tracks is ‘Eva’ sung by Meesha Shafi. It’s a very peppy and addictive track indeed. Talaabgaar song by Javed Bashir is yet another mesmeric track.

All things considered, Jami figures out how to draw off the incomprehensible with Moor. He concedes us a genuine Pakistani film sans being grandiose or sermonizing and makes the much rustic and rural idea of 'affection for your country' moving for urban groups of onlookers. This stunning passionate excursion highlights the lost occupation in Balochistan as well as gives us trust that Pakistani silver screen won't just be taken as an expansion of Bollywood.

Rating-  4.5/5 stars
Recommendation- Must Watch!!

Cinema Partner-

Now showing exclusively at VOX Cinemas across the UAE. Click here for show timings.

#Moor  #VOXCinemas

To read my humour articles Click here

Friday, 12 June 2015


Cows, or as you may know them as 'four legged bovine bundle of joy err gelatin' have enjoyed a formidable position in India since ages. They have been worshipped for being a source of life. Traditionally Hindu families kept a cow at home for dairy products etc. This was in the era where extended families living in huge bungalows were quite common and contrary to popular belief they did not sit at home all day long doing synchronized dance moves. Screw you, Sooraj Barjatiya.

People started moving into 'flats' or as Mumbaikers call it ’something a size bigger than jeans to fit my rear end in'. Keeping a cow home for fresh milk wasn't feasible at all, unless your claim to fame was to make it to the monthly building flat owner's association meeting where uncles with bald spots would scratch their armpits while debating over existential issues like the mystery of ‘drums of heaven’ bones in a 'vegetarians only' building . 

Milkmen introduced the coupon concept where you were supposed to hang a bag outside your door at night & keep printed coupons of the required number of milk packets you needed the next day in it. This within itself was such a great leveller of sorts.

Disclaimer- I did not settle scores with my landlord by tearing apart his milk coupons occasionally.

Cows have been in the limelight lately thanks to the recent beef ban. They have finally made it to primetime news for reasons other than munching plastic bags or getting abducted by aliens as pointed out so rightly by India TV.

A recent mandate demands that cattle owners submit mugshots of their cows and submit it to the nearest police station and furnish details of their distinctive features. I can totally imagine the kind of conversations that would take place-

“Saheb, my cow alters it's food chewing from 4 lightyears to 6 lightyears to signal an upcoming natural calamity.”

“Saheb, my cow tends to rotate it's tail in anti clockwise direction when humidity levels cross 40%.”

“Saheb, my cow has this fetish of pooping around luxury cars to bring about social equity.”

Recently an admit card issued by the Jammu & Kashmir examination board was in the news. Apparently someone had submitted a cow's picture & filled the online examination form. This incident indeed exposed the bureaucracy & inefficiency of the examining body. It’s cute how their standard operating procedures might change after this incident.

Step 1- Is the applicant's photo that of a homo sapien? If yes, move to the next     step

Step 2- Does the applicant have black pointy horns? If yes move to the next step

Step 3- Approve the application.

Step 4- Congrats! You just inadvertently sanctioned Batman's exam application. You're fired!

What I do admire about cows is their innate ability to not give a shit, no matter what hell breaks loose. Planet Earth can be taken over by extra-terrestrials and cows will still give you that blank stare.

Recently yet another visionary proclaimed that drinking milk from cows of foreign breeds could lead kids to do crime. Why milk only? Let’s revolt against American superheroes too. Even watching Batman could lead kids to do crime.  This allegation is as valid as 'making kids watch Shaktimaan could inspire them to actually achieve something in life unlike their superhero.' No offense, Shaktimaan.

I think it's fair that we let cows live in peace. Adios for now, as I am off to record navigation instructions for my GPS system with real time cow updates. Beat that Google maps!

"Cow approaching in 200 metres, brace for impact. Dodge the cow, dodge it's dung & land your tires into wet mud in the bargain. Realise the pointlessness of it all. Wipe a solitary tear pouring down your cheeks. Curse the universe. Drive ahead"

Friday, 17 April 2015

Open letter to Indian telecom operators

(Article written exclusively for India Today - Click Here)

Dear Indian telecom operators,

Hope you are doing well (not because I really mean it, but because the British taught us to eloquently fake emotions in letter writing before they left.)

A few years ago, I was one of those crores of customers religiously contributing to your balance sheet year after year, before I moved abroad.

I write this letter with deep pain, a pain in the rear end which is what you guys have become, with time.

Before I begin my bitching spree, I need to first thank you from the bottom of my heart. Back in the '90s, things were pretty screwed up. Incoming and outgoing calls were chargeable, and so was interstellar communication .

Nokia phones were a national asset and preserved for generations to come. Owning a mobile phone pretty much negated the fact that you were a huge disappointment to your family.

Soon all you telecom giants took over; the privatisation of the telecom sector began. It was a proud moment indeed, seeing your glossy posters stuck on every vertical flat surface, be it walls, billboards, shop shutters, etc, across the nation. Statistically speaking, your chances of seeing Mr Dhirubhai Ambani on the Reliance mobile posters were a lot higher than seeing your wife's face.

SIM card sales crossed per capita pani puri sales. Mobiles were no more a luxury. Everyone flaunted a phone, and using Hello Kitty mobile covers to camouflage ugly phones was no longer a state secret.
Soon enough, the era of value added services began.  Call centre agents worked overtime to hard sell caller tunes. There is no single way to logically argue it out with them. Sales calls used to usually go like this -
Call centre guy: "Sir, would this be a good time to speak to you, considering that our data suggests that you have been killing time, stalking your ex on Facebook for the last 20 minutes?" 
Customer: "Yeah, sure, okay!"

Call centre guy: "Sir, why don't you subscribe to our caller tunes pack? For Rs 40, enjoy caller tunes for the next two months. This limited time offer is so rare that the next time we might offer it would possibly be when extra terrestrials take over our planet." 

Customer: "No, thanks. I can live without it."

Call centre guy: "Sir, a research done by McKinsey suggests that people with caller tunes are far more likely to succeed in life than people without it. You don't want this brutal society to label you a loser, do you?"

Customer: "I genuinely don't need it. Now don't waste my time."

Call centre guy: "Okay, sir, instead of songs why don't you try our 'bhakti ki shakti' religious caller tunes collection?"

Customer: "Thanks but no thanks."

Call centre guy: "Sir, nine out of ten subscribers have achieved nirvana within 72 hours of activating these caller tunes."

Customer: "To hell with you..."

*bangs phone down*

Call centre guy: "Sirrrr... but sirrrrrrrrrrrr... listen..."

Remember the good old days when your "WAP push" messages scared the living daylights out of the masses? An innocent little question popped up on the screen and one ignorant click reduced your mobile balance by 100 bucks or more, and you were subscribed to a random unwanted service. Thanks to you, my grandparents were getting daily dating tips SMSes from you. I genuinely wish I was making this up.  

I bet even Osama Bin Laden, in his days, had the courtesy to begin a Kickstarter campaign to generate extra funds.

"Donate $10,000 or more and get Osama to do a soulful guitar rendition of 'Hotel California' dedicated to you in his next video."

Soon the market dynamics changed. Consumers required you to go beyond the call of duty.

Intern: "Sir, we need to give back to the society. CSR, philanthropy and all those big, big words need to be a part of our website."

Marketing head: "Hmmm I am a bit confused about whether, as a brand, we should stand up for womens rights or South Delhi dog spa rights..."

Intern: "Yes sir, we could organise free-to-attend seminars on women safety in all major cities and run a social media campaign parallely. What do you think?"

Marketing head: "Screw that! Let's send fellow citizens kinky messages late at night to bring about social cohesion and make India a safer place for women."

Intern: "Mind blowing! You're the best."
Like all the above wasn't enough, you have now started striking deals with e-commerce companies to increase their website speed and lower their competitors' website speed.

This reminds me of the age old fable of the tortoise and the hare. Except, in your case, the tortoise is counting his last breaths while dangling, tied to a tree by his neck, and the hare is sunbathing on the bonnet of a Lamborghini.

On a scale of one to ten (one being a mild prick and ten being a pretentious douchebag), how would you rate yourself? Be honest here.

The internet was envisioned to be a platform where everyone could share cat photos for free, without any fear or threat. In the near future, you are going to charge extra rates on the popular mobile apps we all use.

You just want new revenue streams? Here's a few you could use, and yes, you're welcome.

1.) Start charging people for sending out "good morning" pictures on WhatsApp and premium rates could apply if there is a sun in the picture.

2.) Heavy penalties on New Year's day for the people with "At the movies" as their WhatsApp status update for nine months in a row.

In the coming weeks, as you try your level best to lobby with TRAI and other government bodies, please bear in mind that net neutrality isn't a favour you are doing the masses - it's our right!

Here's hoping some good sense prevails and hell falls upon you for your vicious deeds.
Yours most lovingly,
Rahul Batra

#NetNeutrality #SaveTheInternet

For more such humour articles - Click Here
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


#BeefBan #Moor #VOXCinemas #NetNeutrality #SaveTheInternet 2015 Aamir khan Accounts Acting Adidas Air India airmiles ALS Amir Khan Amreeka apocalypse Apple Arnab Goswami arun jaitley Asian Sky Shop Asin asin ghajini ghajini review astrology Baba Ramdev banking beaches benefits Bhai Bhangra Blockbuster Blonde Bollywood Bollywood Fails Bollywood list Book Budget Burger business butter butter chicken Canada career Chandni Chowk chicken Chota Bheem coffee consulting Corrupt cow Delhi Dominoes Doordarshan E-commerce Ekta Kapoor employment endorsement extremists Facebook Fish Fitness food fortune Gandhi Ghajini Movie Review Goa Google govinda gravity guide Gupta gym Happy New Year Happy New Year.Bejan Daruwalla Harvard Haryanvi Himesh Reshammiya Hindi Honey Singh Honeymoon hospitality HR Hrithik Roshan Ice bucket IIPM India India Today Indian cinema Instagram intolerance iPhone Jesus jobs junk food Justin Bieber KFC Khap Panchayat Kwiknic lawyer Lingaa Louis Vuitton maharashtrian Manmohan Singh mayans MBA McDonald's micromaxx minister Modi Mont Blanc MTV NarendraModi NASA New Year New York Nike offend offense Osmania university paratha Parliament Party Pizza Politics pork Pratibha Patil Predictions 2014 Punjab radicals Ram Leela Rannvijay Reading recruitment religion Rolex Romeo Juliet Rupa Sachin Sacrifice Salman Salman Khan Salman Rushdie sandhi sudha Sanjay Leela Bhansaali Sanjeev Kapoor Sanskaar Sauna secularism Shah Rukh Khan Shakespeare Shaktimaan Shimla Skype Social media Spicejet SRK Starbucks Sunita Willaims Swiss Bank Tata Temple Run The Hindu Tikki Times Now tips Tobacco tom cruise USA Vitamin D waiter weed weight Wharton WWE Yo Yo Honey Singh Yoga

Join our Facebook page for daily humourous updates.