Friday, 27 March 2015

Board Exams conundrum

(Article written exclusively for India Today - Click Here)

It's that dreaded time of the year again, when the heavenly powers above are back in demand and revered only so you can make it to the passing mark in that math paper you've always hated. For my international readers, board exams in Indian schools are equivalent to the IGCSE A/O levels.

Back in the day, entertainment options were quite scarce. People derived entertainment by rotating the radio antenna to all possible angles till the sound was clear enough, only to discover that a demotivated All India RJ was addressing the nation on the various types of pesticides that might be effective in crop cultivation.

A new form of entertainment was the need of the hour. So, a long long time ago, a bunch of grumpy old men sat in a conference room and passionately debated with each other about how they could create an entertainment ecosystem where judging and humiliating random kids would become a much loved sport in our society. And voila! The treacherous board exams were invented.

Like most fellow Indians, my first exposure to board exams was in class 10 - that stage where extra large genital diagrams are printed in biology textbooks, thereby virtually guaranteeing many awkward silences during class, all year long.

Motivation is very critical at this stage. We had our seniors give us pep talks about how they scored 99 per cent in the board exams and the clouds split apart, and soon enough, blonde Russian women popped out of the sky to oil their fictitious six-pack abs.

Preparation for board exams is the next mammoth task. It's not board exams till the time you start getting bombarded from all ends with the so-called "very important questions". Teachers come up with these questions after applying probability and regression theories, coupled with loads of "eenie meenie miney moe" analysis. Now, cramming answers to these questions can supposedly pave your way to intellectual supremacy. Mind you, these questions are leaked only to the privileged few - in other words, the crème de la crème - of the class.

In case your aim in life is to see your name appear on the ranker's list at school, which will be strategically ignored by all those who pass by, then just ask yourself three basic questions:

1.) Are you the teacher's pet? No? Jump to the next question.

2.) Is the teacher's pet your buddy? No again? Jump to the next question.

3.) Do you worship the dust beneath the teacher's pet's buddy's feet?

If your answer to third question is negative, too, your chances of bringing dishonour to your family name are just about as high as Shakti Kapoor.

The best way forward is to avoid any kind of human contact with friends who ask you random questions a few minutes before the exam. This breed will ask you questions not because they want to know the answers, but to remind you that you didn't study a small part of the exam syllabus well enough, and therefore, deserve to fail.

Cheating during board exams is not highly recommended, unless you want to shoot to instant fame and be a part of the numerous myths which surround the board exam disciplinary committee. My favourite myth is the one which says that if you get caught cheating during board exams, you and your future generations will be barred from giving exams ever again. The rule applies even if your future generations manage to produce offspring with extraterrestrials.

#ProTip: Just in case you are one of those "hyper precautionary" kids, always remember that carrying those two dozen extra pens and pencils with you in the exam hall does not, in any way, reduce the chances of an earthquake, or for that matter, Godzilla appearing on Marine Drive.

Indian daredevils at their very best #BiharCheating
Speaking of board exams, there was a huge controversy in Bihar recently, where, at one of the examination centres, mass cheating took place and people actually climbed the walls to hand over scraps of paper with answers, to their loved ones through the windows. Which is pretty cool when you come to think of it because, until sometime ago, as a nation, our passion for adventure sports was pretty much limited to puncturing car tires of pesky neighbours to seek revenge for emptying the building water tank with their lavish water consumption .

Think twice before you curse the board authorities. They have introduced subjects like environmental education in the sincere hope that the next time you see a tree being chopped in front of you, you will immediately run home and grab a hand sanitiser and bunch of perfumed tissues to re-enact the Chipko movement and hug trees.

Anyway, good luck to everyone for their board exam results. May your marks be the envy of many and may you get struck by lightning for flaunting that 99.75/100 score in math.

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

But first let me take a selfie

(Article written exclusively for India Today-  Click Here)

The year is 2015. Homo sapiens have just about mastered the skill of using SMS lingo in oral conversations.

"Laugh and the world laughs at you, LOL and the world ROFLs / ROFLMAOs / LMFAOs at you (depending on their stage of human evolution)."

However, mankind is still struggling to come to terms with selfies. Back as a kid, life was a lot simpler. There was one Kodak camera in the house, and the internet was basically a medium with the sole purpose of getting to see plump green and blue MSN messenger icons rotate in circles, on loop. Pictures were clicked stingily and the people getting clicked were legally obligated to strike a flamboyant pose even if it was a funeral ceremony. The cheat codes of striking a good pose were perfected and passed on from one generation to the next.

Recently, at my college, we had a mock fire drill ie that part of the year where everyone is supposed to fake traumatised facial expressions (like the ones you get after seeing Mexican dosa on the Dosa Plaza restaurant chain menu), and also, tragically, the only part of the year where you compulsorily burn calories by taking the staircase for no noble intentions, but only because the lifts have been out of order.

For a change, I indulged in the much loved selfie craze and willingly became a part of about 40-60 group selfies during the six minute walk downstairs. This was pretty much like a social experiment for me. You know, like the ones you see on Facebook, where they run a car over a cat and check if a dead kitty evoked any public sympathy, with hidden cameras.

I was born with average looks and a gazillion or more diverse facial expressions than Arjun Rampal could ever achieve in his lifespan. I like to keep myself pretty low key. Unlike others who inhabit this planet, I religiously change my Facebook profile picture only once every five years. I do it not because of any narcissistic pangs, but as a token of appreciation to all my friends for bearing the same profile picture of me for such a long time. Needless to say, I get bombarded with loads of positive messages such as "Woah! You won't stop growing your waistline, will you?" to touching ones like, "Dude, do you like get paid for playing with our emotions or something?"

I pretty much gave up on deciphering the enchanting world of selfies during my last trip to Goa, when I spotted a group of girls pouting next to a statue of Jesus in deep pain on a cross at one of the main churches there.

The world was a happy place before commercialisation set in. Corporations around the world battled it out with each other to answer fundamental questions like "How do we make humans look stupid and intelligent at the same time?" And voila! The selfie stick was invented.

Selfie sticks are yet another pointless contribution to mankind, following Diet Coke, Oreo pizzas and glow-in-the-dark skeletons. Recently, all hell broke loose as President Obama was spotted using a selfie stick in an online video by Buzzfeed, USA. Now I do understand the utility of carrying selfie sticks to save random strangers the pain of clicking distorted pictures for you. Nonetheless, I wish you good luck with your selfie supremacy conquests.

Spoiler alert: Just in case you come across any murders being committed, using selfie sticks with inbuilt Swiss Army knives, I may be the culprit. Thank you for your understanding.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Open letter to the committed gang


Dear committed gang,

Congrats !! It's that time of the year again Hindu Mahasabha activists are on the streets & you are about to get beaten for roaming around with a girl. ie it's Valentine's day ! Hurray!!.

Apparently the Constitution of India grants you the legal right to move around with an extraterrestrial but not with a girl of a different caste.
Yet another insignificant contribution to mankind besides this article
It's that time of the year when love is in the air & moving on the streets holding blood red coloured teddy bears becomes socially acceptable.

Many years ago Mughal emperor Shah Jahan,  built  the Taj Mahal, an epitome of true love. A monument dedicated to fleecing foreign tourists and 'also' in the loving memory of his wife.


#FunFact- A day before the launch party of  the Taj Mahal, workers were busy practicing  the dance steps of the legendary 'Macarena' song and all of a sudden their hands were chopped off so they could never build a monument like Taj Mahal ever again.

Note to self- Don't chop off the hands of the guy that makes Chilli Paneer at your favourite restaurant.
Googling up Valentine's day I got to know the list of the insignificant days prior to this day-

7th Feb Rose Day
8th Feb Propose Day
9th Feb Chocolate Day
10th Feb Teddy Day
11th Feb Promise Day
12th Feb Kiss Day
13th Feb Hug Day

And as always when shit hits the fan ,that's where we come in!!

In the best interests of mankind I seek to add a more realistic touch to the days prior to Valentine's day.

7th Feb- 'Getting friendzoned' Day-

A day when you officially get friendzoned by your loved one. As brutal & heartless as it may seem. Don't worry, you are not alone. The whole Punjabi music industry pretty much survives on guys getting friendzoned. Don't believe me? YouTube it!

8th Feb- Gifting Lauki with a red ribbon to your gf's mom Day (known as bottle gourd for the ones who don't know & whose appetite isn't scarred by this horrific vegetable as yet)

Pampering your potential mother in law never hurts in the long run you know.


9th Feb- 'Walking her dog at 5 in the morning for pooping' Day.

Nothing more divine than waking up so early in the morning  not because you are a fitness freak, but because you need to take her dog out for pooping.  To hell with those 'dog is a man's best friend' quotes!

10th Feb- 'Watching Salman Khan's Tere Naam film for inspiration' Day

Now this film defies all preconceived notions about Valentine's day. It's basically about a girl who defies all odds and removes the filters of complexion, annual salary while selecting her potential groom on Shaadi.com. Women empowerment at it's best. Dear Rahul Gandhi , You're welcome! 

This film is also a fitting tribute to the numerous guys who feel getting a new hairstyle increases your chances of finding love. And even if you do succeed, you will end up with Bhumika Chawla not Deepika or Katrina.

11th Feb- 'Hunting for cheap Valentine's day gifts' Day

So Valentine's day is just round the corner. You need to buy something real good for your loved one before she elopes with another one.

#ProTip- Regardless of what adverts say, gifting a red coloured juicer cum blender to is almost equivalent to throwing a cucumber on your loved one with the instruction 'Lazy bum! Go make me a sandwich!'


12th Feb- Avoiding 'Public Display of Affection (PDA)' Day .

Try your level best to avoid watching  'Public displays of affections', is an art indeed. It's the season of love. Everybody is busy making out... pigeons,dogs, guys,girls,ogres  etc.

13th Feb- 'Googling for cheesy love quotes' Day.

When looks fail to impress, words are your last hope. And what's more exclusive than writing shitty love quotes on gifts. Just stay away from PJs like 'Hey baby is your dad a terrorist??  Because you are such a bomb'.

#ProTip- Adding Rumi behind any random quotation increases it's credibility by 80% instantly just like how you can wear a lab coat and come on national television to talk about chaat masala increasing human lifespan & no one will even doubt you once.

Now if you could excuse me I shall continue with my annual Valentine's Day tradition of tagging my single friends in 'Love is eternal' pics on Facebook.

Best Regards,
#Forever Alone team

For more humour articles Click Here

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Open letter to Obama's dog, world's most important pet

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click here)


Dear Bo,
You might be wondering why I am even attempting to write a letter to you knowing fully well that you can't read. I do believe my thoughts will reach out to you some day. Dogs are a highly advanced species you see. They can, depending on what the script demands, don multiple hats right from umpiring cricket matches to even orchestrating distraught love stories towards a happy ending as evidenced in the Bollywood flick Hum Aapke Hai Koun by Tuffy the Pomeranian. Oh Tuffy, you the player!

It's overwhelming to know that when Osama Bin Laden's fate was getting sealed by Obama and the Navy SEAL snipers you must be sitting out there in the Oval office at the White House busy licking Oreo cookies. Fair enough.

Bo, the world looks up to you. And in each of those twinkling eyes of yours, the world seeks answers to rather nasty and spine chilling questions like -

"Will the Obama administration clamp down on the viral online dissemination of cat pictures with philosophical quotes?"

"Will Obama successfully manage to lobby his way through to ensure that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles get included in the forthcoming Kinder Joy eggs?"

"Will Obama be able to curtail Pizza Hut from annually launching 56,999 varieties of pizza crusts that mankind truly doesn't give a shit about?"

I can almost feel your pressure, Bo. To be honest, my life is a lot simpler than yours. It primarily revolves around taking death defying decisions like should I just wait for the elevator to come or should I get inspired by the elderly using the staircase. You bet, I chose the former option.

You have lived a dignified life indeed amidst so much pressure. I wonder while travelling with President Obama in those incredibly customised limousines, do you like stick your neck out of the window and make passing remarks to the rest of your doggie clan like "I own this country bitches". 

By the way I have heard that there is a robotic arm in that limousine which at the click of a button takes out peanuts and M&M's straight from the oesophagus just in case they get stuck midway. Is that true?

Oh wait! Please be assured that you are not in any way socially obligated to reveal such confidential state secrets to ordinary curious Homo sapiens like me. After all who am I to question the First Pet of the First Family, and a personal favourite of the First Lady.

As we reach towards the end of this rather poignant letter, you must be wondering why unlike the rest of the Indians I have not written a letter addressing your master, President Obama straight away and contemplated various policy reforms with regards to his visit to India on our Republic Day as our chief guest.

Well you see Bo, we come from a very hospitable nation indeed and we genuinely believe that nobody should be discriminated regardless of caste, gender, religion, colour or as in your case the biological hierarchy of life forms. In our culture, no guests are ever neglected, unless of course you are pesky Gupta aunty next door in which case I am sorry we can't lend you sugar anymore.

Anyways wish you a happy life ahead. Shall get in touch with you again, when Sooraj Barjatya starts shooting yet another family entertainment movie with canines playing pivotal roles.

Oh silly me! Just forgot, President Obama a warm welcome to India to you too. Heard Apple has slashed MacBook Pro rates out there. Do get some along with you to improve "bilateral relations" you know. Even if you don't get them for us, you are still always welcome to join us in a choreographed dance set to the patriotic tunes of "I love my India, watan mera India" song of Pardesmovie, on a tricoloured boat, while playing a tambourine simultaneously.

Here's to a brighter democracy. #NamasteObama Yes, we can !!
Yours most lovingly,
Rahul Batra

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

S.O.S (Save Our Science)

(Article written exclusively for India Today - Click Here)


No offense! But even Teletubbies looked more elegant than this.
The field of science and I have had a long, murky history indeed. Pardon me, but I don't seek to bedazzle the world with any remote signs of intellectual supremacy, gained by staring at dead cockroaches and frogs in formaldehyde-filled glass containers for hours at a stretch. (Hey biology, take that!)

Chemistry wasn't any fun either. It's kind of weird when the whole universe conspires to turn you into a sniffer dog, by making you smell colourful fumes gushing out of test tubes in order to determine whether the odour is pungent or not. Okay, I get it, Indian noses are trained to perpetually doubt their surroundings by sniffing for signs of gas leaks while asleep or awake, but that doesn't mean you start exploiting us by making us sniff test tubes.

Physics was all nice and good, until they started tricking us with questions like 
"a pendulum connected with a mass-less string hanging at an angle of 60 degrees from the horizontal is pushed and starts oscillating back and forth. Calculate and compare the change in angular velocity if it is done on the North Pole".

50 years down the line, when the planet is in tatters (if you remain alive or are reborn as Paris Hilton's Chihuahua for doing cartwheels to the temple and back every Sunday), do remember that in a world where polar bears and countless other creatures were facing extinction due to global warming, mankind chose to test pendulum velocities instead of saving them.

Recently, we had the prestigious 102nd Indian Science Congress in Mumbai where leading scientists were forced to do multiple face palms, thanks to some notable speakers and their creative outlook towards science.

Myth 1: Aviation conundrum 

According to Captain Bodas, a retired flying instructor, planes were first invented by Indians and not the Wright Brothers. And mind you, these were no normal jumbo jet planes. Besides moving forward and in reverse, they could even halt mid-air. Sadly, my friends, this technological innovation could not be passed down the ages and we have to make do with insignificant miracles like flying with emergency doors secured with masking tape or, as Air India calls it, "standard operating procedure".

Speaking of which, an upcoming Hindi movie Hawaizaada dwells on the same aviation myth which lacks evidence on all accounts.

Disclaimer: A bowl full of caramel popcorn may or may not have been shoved down my throat at the film producer's behest for plugging in the movie name here. Yes, those are the kinds of luxurious bribes I usually get.

Myth 2: Cow conundrum

My earliest memory of cows per se remains when I spotted them as a kid, smiling on the cover of cheese packs and milk bottles. They were white in colour with black spots, so aesthetically placed that you did not even need to Photoshop them. 

Being a Hindu, I have utmost respect for cows despite me having issues with their strategic equidistant droppings along roads. With the passage of time, I have come to the conclusion that the chances of landing your foot into cow dung is directly proportional to your efforts to avoid contact with it. For every three times that you successfully manage to avoid stepping on cow dung, a dropping from the pigeons above is rest assured. That's how karma works. 

What India truly needs is a driverless Google car, which avoids getting its tires over cow dung whilst navigating the roads. Boom! There you go Google, your next million dollar idea. Speaking of cows, Google, just in case you are filled with the "milk" of human kindness and feel like sending me my royalties, my bank account details will be made available on request.

At the conference, according to Dr Naik, bacteria in cows automatically converts whatever they eat into 24 carat gold. Quite a cool idea indeed. I can totally imagine a branded jewellery stall with a beautiful model holding a chainsaw, amidst a busy urban mall, with the hoarding "Cut the cow into two and win gold up to Rs 30 lakhs instantly". Before you know it, you shall be entitled to a "complimentary" beheading by local radical groups for offending religious sentiments.

Myth 3: Helmet conundrum

According to Mr Kiran Naik, two kings were fighting on Mars during Mahabharat and one of their helmets fell down; presumably, he was too busy Instagramming the moment and forgot to pick it up. When asked for evidence, he quickly retorted that if you Google "helmet in Mars", the picture shows up. It is with great sadness that I wish to inform you that after multiple attempts of Googling "Shaktimaan chilling with Kingfisher babes on Saturn", I was unable to come up with any such "scientific" evidence.

My heartfelt sympathies lie with all the other scientists who attended the event, seeking some thought-provoking discussions and analyses. Now, if you could please excuse me, I need to publish my research paper on the people of Ayodhaya doing the Gangnam style dance to celebrate Lord Ram's return from exile. Yes, I hereby declare that this dance form was invented in India, too. The Koreans simply aped us.

Friday, 2 January 2015

Horror-scope 2015

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)

Warm welcome to 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently I had the misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my star sign, Gemini it read -

'Be careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating'

Hate it when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. Now I'll be honest, horoscopes don't make too much sense to me considering that it's rather idiotic to divide the world into 12 star signs & hypothetically expect them to have the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalization. Even the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich, which I gladly accept just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping & a choco chip cookie to go along with my pile of grass or 'freshetarian revolution' as my marketing friends would reaffirm rather shamelessly.

"Sir we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in between your loaf,  & ketchup is NOT one of them for reasons we won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in protest."

It is with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead as a small token of love & appreciation to that son of a gun astrologer who predicted mine.

Disclaimer - I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So in case you do get killed under a Tata Nano despite of me predicting a long life ahead for you, I am sooooo not responsible. Not that you have an option to resurrect and take revenge. But come on,  it's humiliating enough to get driven over by  a Tata Nano, in which case you totally deserve to die. No offense.

I shall be focusing on 3 major aspects- love life, finance & health. Apologies, if I didn't touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

Your major romantic experiences shall come around June. The universe will conspire so you have the rare opportunity of having bhindi do pyaaza at your crush's wedding. Hold your horses, you won't be the groom. But, the jilted lover. With Saturn in the third house and other random planet geo positional co-ordinates I shall make up after 3 cans of beer, your finances will remain stable overall. Expect few minor health surgeries & STDs just incase you took the latest MakeMyTrip.com email seriously. FYI- The email subject was 'End 2014 with a bang. Book a package to Thailand right away!!'


Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Expect your 'special someone' to kick you out of the house soon. Ya, moms get angry at times. Warm welcome to the #ForeverAlone zone. We missed you dearly. Money shall keep flowing seamlessly unless you decide to put that cute puppy of yours up for auction online, in which case do gear yourself to be struck by lightning. No health problems predicted for year ahead but do visit your doctor once in a while for that adrenaline rush of giving urine samples while the toilet door latch is broken.

Libra (September 23 — October 23)

A mysterious stranger will enter your life who will eventually end up ruining your love life, finances and health. The income tax inspector. Seriously, appoint a new chartered accountant.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 22)

 Your relationship will become more intimate. Expect the police cyber cell department  to monitor your creepy Facebook messages to random girls. Saving is a virtue indeed. A wise man once said.I am not wise & I didn't say that. But what I will say is that you might as well keep that 10 Rs note back in your wallet. Remember that 10 Rs tip you kept for the waiter in that 5 star hotel you dined in recently??  Bloody cheapo, you are! . No major health issues predicted. Piles may or may not affect you. Pretty much depends on the number of diarrhoea patients you mocked in your previous life birth.

Capricorn (December 22- January 20)

You, my friend are the distressed kind. The world has been rather unkind to you since the time you took birth. Like having a goat as a star sign wasn't embarrassing enough, the world threw bigger challenges at you. Just pray to the celestial powers above that in your next life birth, at least you get a more socially acceptable star sign like a Pikachu or something. Your love life shall blossom in the coming months. So much so, that you have full chances of getting kicked out by H.R for sexual harassment. Financial situation might be bit tricky. Support piracy. Opt for fake Hugo Boss fragrances. Trust me, no one will notice the difference. Be aware of common cold symptoms. They come in handy when you have a fake medical sick leave certificate in hand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Ok I am a bit biased. Your star sign is kinda related to water which in turn is related to Baywatch babes. So I shall go kind on you. Expect to flourish in all spheres of life- health, finance & love. Don't believe the  guys who say 'Love is the greatest treasure of life'. Quite possibly they are being chased by bank goons themselves for running late on loan repayments.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Love isn't anywhere near the horizon. But arranged marriage is.So congrats!! Finances shall remain smooth throughout the year. Unless you took up that Country Club annual membership, in which case you might as well seek entertainment by watching, pigeons indulging in public display of affection (PDAs) in your balcony rather than going out  to watch concerts of rejected Bollywood actresses. Heart ailments might bother you. Reduce your samosa consumption asap.

Virgo (August 24 — September 22)

Romantic relationships may come to a standstill. Gifting that artificial set to your loved one in a branded jewellery box was a f**ked up idea indeed! Gear up for unexpected business deals which will bring you plenty of fortunes. Trading WWE playing cards with friends does not count though. Expect liver issues to pop up. Unless you are in Gujarat in which case, fear diabetes first.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your potential soul mate is just round the corner and will forever remain there. Who the hell told you keeping ferocious Dobermans tied to your gate was a hospitable gesture?. Expect windfall gains shortly in your junk mail folder. For a change Nigerians won't cheat you this time. Fellow Indians shall do the needful !. Someone might stab you from behind while you're jogging on the treadmill. Stay away from the gym.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) 

You are fun loving, creative , gorgeous, intellectual, charming & any other sexy adjectives you can think of. Besides Angelina Jolie, Adriana Lima & Anna Kournikova, you also happen to share your star sign with me, the black sheep of  the Gemini family . You shall remain clueless in love life, finance & health in 2015, pretty much like I was when I started writing this article. You're welcome!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Love is eternal indeed, somewhat like Rupa undergarments. You need a new partner soon . Finances shall remain stable provided you remain focused on your core skills- kidnapping toddlers for ransom. Spine ache could affect your health. Stop being a miser. Upgrade to that business class ticket you have always wanted. The food might suck, but they do give you perfumed wet tissues to wipe your tears filled with guilt for spending a bomb on shitty service.

Sagittarius (November 23 — December 21)

Cross cultural romantic relationships are on the cards. Expect a blissful union of two souls destined by the stars for love and love only & sometimes U.S  green card citizenship too. You shall feel burdened with the weight of materialism on your arms. Seriously, those Louis Vuitton suitcases look ugly!.Body ache might cause you many problems. My only advise is don't try out yogic postures unless you seek to get a spot on national television in the early morning hours wearing neon green coloured spandex  so grannies get entertained while watching you break your ligaments one after the other on Yoga shows.

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Monday, 22 December 2014

Adios 2014 !!

Shall come up with a new Spanish synonym by next year #kthnxbye

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group- Click Here)

Like all fellow mortals had to succumb to social pressure to put this lousy pic with an optimistic message to give you yet another reason to vomit all over the club in the New Year's bash
WHY? HOW? WTF? I have not even met half of my annual weight loss target.
Incase these are the kind of questions popping up in your mind. Worry not, we're here to help you. It's that time of the year when columnists shall advise their readers on one of the following topics-

a) How to spend the holidays with your loved ones?

b) How to give indirect signals to your loved ones that the 52 piece cutlery set gifted by them for your home is too lavish for its inhabitants namely you & your pomerian.

c) How to gun down the 'we were just passing by your place, so thought we will drop in' kinda guests ?

d) How to camouflage yourself in the numerous facebook status updates & check ins popping up every milliseconds while not celebrating anything.

Pardon me I shall not be able to offer any scholarly responses on the above.
This happens to be that time of the year where you are bombarded with posters all around you like-  

'NEW YRZ  BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS AKA BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE & THARKIS.FREE FISTFIGHTS & 1 LONELY ABDUCTED FIRANG FOR 'INTERNATIONAL FEEL'. BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800-AUNTYPOLICEBULALEGI '
 
December is also the month where homo sapiens use their collective intellectual energies to reminiscence & remind each other of  the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1 -"Hey did you see that video of that dog pushing a cat in the bathtub video.Fuckin awesome bro!"

Guy 2 -  "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower.So awwwww worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 1- "Chal ,chal. Let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh & that Sardar Naagin dance video too."

Now 2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to watch Modiji's receding hairline more than their wife's facial wrinkles. Which is really not a bad deal if you ask me. This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest bumping Arnab Goswami.

Bollywood gave us many profound films this year,

Jai Ho- A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi level chain of good deed doers. Before you know it they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties boasting about their body pains to each other with immense competitive spirit.


A candid pic of Lord SRK & the gorgeous Deepika Padukone hanging around with some struggling actors in the Bollywood flick 'Happy New Year'

Happy New Year- A diamond heist set in Dubai where sheikhs are busy testing the adverse effects on car efficiency when spare diamonds are put in car petrol tanks once every patch of the car is encrusted with diamonds. One man's fight to regain his lost pride. His struggle to overcome his deepest desire to rub his six pack abs against a camel's legs while performing pole dance techniques simultaneously That's right it's Sonu Sood not SRK as some of you might have assumed.

Now that I have covered both SRK's & Bhai's film I shall be saved from hate mails unless Jacky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus & die of blood loss consequently.

Speaking of  world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, as a nation we were busy passionately speculating the no of starters at Arpita Khan's wedding.

ALS Ice bucket challenge.Water conservation? WTF does that even mean?
A global trend known as 'ALS Ice bucket challenge' hit social media by storm. This was the time where hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival food waste joint hands together to waste other precious resources ie water.         
"How can you waste rotten tomatoes man? Make Sev Tamatar subzi bro"


Definition-  'Sev Tamatar '- An authentic gujju recipe invented by visionaries in their quest to find some meaning to life in a world void of Tandoori chicken & Reshami kebabs owing to religious concerns.

In other news, little did scientists know that their state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways such as capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red handed.  #true story

Please do maintain safe distance from people whose main New Year plan is pretty much asking other people about their New Year plans.
This is a unique breed of species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles for the holidays while you are still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must reply to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

#ProTip- Machu Picchu is a good reply to shut their mouths & prevent any further interrogation by them considering the prevailing low geographical skills amongst the masses.


That's all for now. Till we meet again next year I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of  2.5 readers & by Valentine's day 2015 might even develop a long distance relationship with them. Beware  :P 

Friday, 5 December 2014

The 10 commandments of chartered accountants

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group - Click Here)

The next time you come across a group of smiling CAs like the ones above.Please be assured a multibillion dollar scam is in progress


1) THOU SHALT NOT GET PICS CLICKED  WITHOUT WEARING A SUIT AND POSING AT 45 DEGREE ANGLE-

Accountants have this fetish for posing in suits like no other fellow homo sapiens. They can wear the same suit to their birthday party, wedding & god forbid even in their coffin. Now you might argue that it's the 'professional look' that is the reason behind it. Which made sense till the time lab coat wearing douchebags in Teleshop ads ruined it all up.

2) THOU SHALT TILL ETERNITY SING SONGS PRAISING BILL GATES AND HIS MINIONS FOR CREATING MICROSOFT EXCEL

Harsh truth but amongst the various limitations of Microsoft Excel, the ability to reproduce & form living organisms clearly stands out, otherwise accountants shall be more than happy to abandon all forms of human contact. Being accountants we have this undying thirst for knowledge so much so that we would willingly trade our loved ones in return for learning a new Excel keyboard shortcut or formula. Nonetheless other softwares too come in handy  like Tally,SAGE etc.Now Tally is one such software which defies levels of human boredom. Trust me watching paint dry is far more entertaining than using it.

3) THOU SHALT ALWAYS PUT YOUR CLIENT'S INTEREST BEFORE YOUR'S -

Clients are to be given priority at all times. And leg massages too if  needed. No seriously.

4) THOU SHALT NOT COMPROMISE WITH DOWRY RATES

In a world inhabited by lesser life forms, you are intellectually supreme. Mankind's only hope to show us the the way forward. Agreed, you got your ass busted for passing the exams so demanding an above market dowry rate is but natural. As someone rightly said 'Ask not what you can do for your soulmate, ask what your pop in law can do for you' .Fuck I forgot the quote.

5) THOU SHALT NOT SULK ON BUDGET DAY

Now the nation's budget day is a great leveler of sorts. All news channels are busy running behind economists and bankers for their wise opinions  and not you in spite of your financial prowess. Worry not, Gupta aunty's ugly unwed daughter still cares about your opinion on inner beauty.

6) THOU SHALT SUCK AT MENTAL MATHS-

Since our early days we learn the value of professional skepticism so much so that we reach a stage where we start doubting our basic addition & subtraction skills till the calculator doesn't show the same figure.  

7) THOU SHALT NOT BRING UP TOPICS LIKE INHERITANCE TAX ON FUNERALS

Accountants have a penchant of bringing up the most unlikely topics at public events. In a society once ruled by the norms of social diplomacy , accountants have inborn abilities to shake the very foundation of it. Accountants are a dangerous breed to co-exist with. Just a mere 'Hello' greeting to us would be enough should you at any point require a free 3 hour prologue on 'Save your taxes....legally....ok almost legally' ;)


8) THOU SHALT MAINTAIN CLIENT CONFIDENTIALITY AT ALL TIMES

The funny thing about client confidentiality is while boasting about your clients over tea we inevitably leak out confidential stuff like eg

'Hey did you know Flipkart employs sub Saharan kids for tax exemptions?'

'That construction group I am working on even has prebooked graveyard slots for its ageing board of directors? How considerate of them na? '

'I was going through their books, Fuck man that Country Club guy charged a whooping 50 lakhs to stick his thumb out wearing goggles on national television for the adverts '

9) THOU SHALT BILL THE CLIENT FOR THE HOURS THOU SPENT FACEBOOKING ON THE CLIENT'S WIFI

Worry not, don't feel guilty at all. After Monica Bellucci & Megan Fox you are the greatest gift to humanity after all. You have full rights to charge the client for using FB or downloading movies at the client's premises. They shall be most pleased to pay for your holy rear end that you stuck up on their swivel chair to perform your duties.

10) THOU SHALT NOT DO COOL THINGS EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Parasailing, Sky diving, Bungee jumping etc are for the meek hearted. True courage lies in debating out tax evasion techniques with oldie uncles & emerging victorious.Little does the world know the sheer joy of rattling out tax regulations verbatim at the drop of a hat.



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