Friday, 17 February 2017

Survivor's guide to B-School

Article written exclusively for India Today-

A small tribute to my alma mater.

Around two years back, bored with my corporate job like most millennials, I decided to take the plunge into MBA.

It is indeed a great leveller. For example, now I know that for guys with average looks, it takes a minimum of two years and an MBA degree in hand to get more than 200 picture likes on Facebook.

What I simply love about all MBA colleges in general are the brochures with models posing around with books to look academic. These are faces you shall never ever see on campus. Just like the myth of the "Yeti" whose sightings have been heard of but no confirmed reports as yet.

Somewhere amidst the innumerable SWOT tables and PERT charts, time just flew by. Placement season still remains the quickest way to get converted from a socialist into capitalist. Words of wisdom start flowing from every corner right from astrological tips to acrobatic tricks to woo recruiters.

So along with the horoscope they are kind enough to give you the lucky colour for the day. More often than not the lucky colour of the day is usually something outrageous like purple, peach etc.I have a practice of checking up the horoscope before going for interviews. Not that it will make any consequential difference to the interview outcome but I do get a better reason to console myself in case I don't clear the interview. You see it's always more convenient to blame it on Mars' alignment than me fumbling during the interview.

Thankfully, I don't make a living entertaining toddlers in a Barney costume at shopping malls. Otherwise wearing the colour purple would have been completely legit. No offence.

One gets to learn new subjects too such as HR or strategic HR (because it sounds cooler). Work productivity isn't achieved by giving employees bean bags to laze around on but giving them mild doses of punishments like going to the boss and getting your annual share of caning on your palms. This is what appraisals should really be like. However, I'll leave that debate for another day.

For our assignment submissions we had to submit them on an anti-plagiarism website. It is with great humility that I admit to have walked upon the Earth with noble souls who tried beating the system by converting  text from English to Chinese to Mexican and back again to English only to get caught eventually. Ladies and gentlemen, now that is what you call the spirit of human endeavour. 

Towards the end of MBA, one is also expected to submit a research thesis on a topic of global academic interest.

Apparently, researching on the evolution of skateboarding dogs isn't a legit topic which is heartbreaking to hear considering that in terms of legacy all we are going to leave for our posterity is a huge collection of cat and dog videos.

Recently, we had our convocation ceremony, and part of the celebrations included fireworks which when you come to think of it is a rather adorable way to burn your dad's cash almost literally.

For videos, we had drone cameras whizzing above our heads. I must admit it's indeed a comforting feeling to have drone cams capture your balding head in high-resolution.

(Left)-The monk who sold his Excel sheets. #crie
Speeches were rather elaborate with the chief guests infusing optimism in a rather dull job market. Much to our disappointment we were told to go ahead and also conquer the world besides eradicating poverty and illiteracy. In terms of my personal life goals I don't really know where conquering the world stands in the list, however trying to tear open ketchup sachets in the first attempt definitely falls in the high-priority zone. 

Unlike batchmates who opted for the entrepreneurship specialisation and were basically told to create jobs for themselves and others , the rest of us did get placed and live to tell the tale.

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