Friday, 12 June 2015


Cows, or as you may know them as 'four legged bovine bundle of joy err gelatin' have enjoyed a formidable position in India since ages. They have been worshipped for being a source of life. Traditionally Hindu families kept a cow at home for dairy products etc. This was in the era where extended families living in huge bungalows were quite common and contrary to popular belief they did not sit at home all day long doing synchronized dance moves. Screw you, Sooraj Barjatiya.

People started moving into 'flats' or as Mumbaikers call it ’something a size bigger than jeans to fit my rear end in'. Keeping a cow home for fresh milk wasn't feasible at all, unless your claim to fame was to make it to the monthly building flat owner's association meeting where uncles with bald spots would scratch their armpits while debating over existential issues like the mystery of ‘drums of heaven’ bones in a 'vegetarians only' building . 

Milkmen introduced the coupon concept where you were supposed to hang a bag outside your door at night & keep printed coupons of the required number of milk packets you needed the next day in it. This within itself was such a great leveller of sorts.

Disclaimer- I did not settle scores with my landlord by tearing apart his milk coupons occasionally.

Cows have been in the limelight lately thanks to the recent beef ban. They have finally made it to primetime news for reasons other than munching plastic bags or getting abducted by aliens as pointed out so rightly by India TV.

A recent mandate demands that cattle owners submit mugshots of their cows and submit it to the nearest police station and furnish details of their distinctive features. I can totally imagine the kind of conversations that would take place-

“Saheb, my cow alters it's food chewing from 4 lightyears to 6 lightyears to signal an upcoming natural calamity.”

“Saheb, my cow tends to rotate it's tail in anti clockwise direction when humidity levels cross 40%.”

“Saheb, my cow has this fetish of pooping around luxury cars to bring about social equity.”

Recently an admit card issued by the Jammu & Kashmir examination board was in the news. Apparently someone had submitted a cow's picture & filled the online examination form. This incident indeed exposed the bureaucracy & inefficiency of the examining body. It’s cute how their standard operating procedures might change after this incident.

Step 1- Is the applicant's photo that of a homo sapien? If yes, move to the next     step

Step 2- Does the applicant have black pointy horns? If yes move to the next step

Step 3- Approve the application.

Step 4- Congrats! You just inadvertently sanctioned Batman's exam application. You're fired!

What I do admire about cows is their innate ability to not give a shit, no matter what hell breaks loose. Planet Earth can be taken over by extra-terrestrials and cows will still give you that blank stare.

Recently yet another visionary proclaimed that drinking milk from cows of foreign breeds could lead kids to do crime. Why milk only? Let’s revolt against American superheroes too. Even watching Batman could lead kids to do crime.  This allegation is as valid as 'making kids watch Shaktimaan could inspire them to actually achieve something in life unlike their superhero.' No offense, Shaktimaan.

I think it's fair that we let cows live in peace. Adios for now, as I am off to record navigation instructions for my GPS system with real time cow updates. Beat that Google maps!

"Cow approaching in 200 metres, brace for impact. Dodge the cow, dodge it's dung & land your tires into wet mud in the bargain. Realise the pointlessness of it all. Wipe a solitary tear pouring down your cheeks. Curse the universe. Drive ahead"
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