Friday, 9 October 2015

Guide to coping after your religious sentiments have been hurt

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)
Bapu Swag

It's a shiny Sunday afternoon. You are busy surfing the internet while simultaneously dipping mozzarella sticks into cheddar cheese dip to maintain the karmic balance on the planet.

While browsing you casually spot a random online post which is offensive to your religion. At least it looks and feels offensive to you, so it probably is. So f**k logic. What does one do now? Should you shamelessly continue munching those mozzarella sticks? 

Should you stop stalking your ex's Facebook profile to sulk about her ugly kids while simultaneously visualising what greek gods would have walked upon this earth, if the two of you had offsprings?

All of a sudden whatever you stood for in life, your values, beliefs, traditions and so on are at threat. The world has come to a standstill and the whole human clan counts on you to act responsibly, to save your religion from falling apart.

Stay calm, you are not alone in this fight for religious supremacy. Ideally, you should start by spreading the offensive post to as many people as you can over Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, email, WhatsApp and also Google Plus for those countless extraterrestrials who are loyal to it. This might offend more people than originally intended to, but the masses should be well aware that their holy gods are under attack, right?

For a moment ponder upon the benevolent, gracious, merciful (add a few dozen adjectives more according to your vocabulary level) almighty, who cannot prevent mortals from tarnishing his name. Up above in the heavens surely an angel gets barbecued when someone offends religion on our planet. Somewhere in religious texts there definitely would be a line going like, "Destroy your whole continent on the remote signs of potentially getting offended."

Do not ever feel threatened or perturbed. After all, you are indeed on a noble mission. Men making pasta single-handedly isn't cool. You know what's cool? Saving your religion and that to on a weekend. Quite an ungodly feat to pull off indeed.
To save your religion from offenders you may need the following:
1. A catchy slogan effectively conveying your feelings. If possible slyly fit the slogan into tunes of some latest item number for maximum reach, for example:

  • "Dj wale Babu, in infidels ki baja de."
  • *on infinite loop mode*

2. Good quality fluffy effigies. Decorating effigies is no joke and requires cutting edge creative skills. It's strongly recommended that you opt for eco-friendly effigies which release low carbon emissions. If not your protest, at least your effigy will be covered well by the media.

3. Angry bunch of protesters from all walks of life. To ease the process you should consider putting an ad on with your exact requirements and a few mandatory questions to filter the crème de la crème of protesters. Mandatory questions like the following can be filled in by the candidate:

Q1) How would you rank your sword-wielding abilities?

Q2) When was the last time you shot down a fellow Homo sapiens on a lousy pretext such as occupying your parking spot? (PS: Delhi applicants kindly write "not applicable" for this answer.)

Q3) In case you spot a burning school bus with kids shouting "help! help!" parked right opposite a wall with a swastika sign on it on which a guy is busy urinating, what would your next reaction be?

Voila! You are now destined for a fruitful protest. Feel free to vent outrage. The more, the merrier. Don't feel guilty at any point. Chill! The divine powers above definitely have better things to do than keeping count of your ghastly sins. God's territorial jurisdiction is pretty much limited to the US and UK, as evident by their propagating of anthems/slogans like "God save the queen" and "God bless America".

Once you are done with your protest it's time to measure how successful your protest went. It can be measured on the following parameters:

1. The number of struggling actors which popped up out of thin air to show their solidarity with your cause.

2. The number of public buses torched for viral videos.

Soldier, it's not time to sit back and rest on your laurels as yet. As a self-proclaimed guardian of your religion you should consistently endeavour to search for choiciest offensive content. Beware! If you fail to do so, you might unknowingly offend other people for not taking offence in the first place.

Till we bump into each other on yet another aimless protest, adios!
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