Open letter to Obama's dog, world's most important pet

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click here)

Dear Bo,

You might be wondering why I am even attempting to write a letter to you knowing fully well that you can't read. I do believe my thoughts will reach out to you some day. Dogs are a highly advanced species you see. They can, depending on what the script demands, don multiple hats right from umpiring cricket matches to even orchestrating distraught love stories towards a happy ending as evidenced in the Bollywood flick Hum Aapke Hai Koun by Tuffy the Pomeranian. Oh Tuffy, you the player!

It's overwhelming to know that when Osama Bin Laden's fate was getting sealed by Obama and the Navy SEAL snipers you must be sitting out there in the Oval office at the White House busy licking Oreo cookies. Fair enough.

Bo, the world looks up to you. And in each of those twinkling eyes of yours, the world seeks answers to rather nasty and spine chilling questions like -

"Will the Obama administration clamp down on the viral online dissemination of cat pictures with philosophical quotes?"

"Will Obama successfully manage to lobby his way through to ensure that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles get included in the forthcoming Kinder Joy eggs?"

"Will Obama be able to curtail Pizza Hut from annually launching 56,999 varieties of pizza crusts that mankind truly doesn't give a shit about?"

I can almost feel your pressure, Bo. To be honest, my life is a lot simpler than yours. It primarily revolves around taking death defying decisions like should I just wait for the elevator to come or should I get inspired by the elderly using the staircase. You bet, I chose the former option.

You have lived a dignified life indeed amidst so much pressure. I wonder while travelling with President Obama in those incredibly customised limousines, do you like stick your neck out of the window and make passing remarks to the rest of your doggie clan like "I own this country bitches". 

By the way I have heard that there is a robotic arm in that limousine which at the click of a button takes out peanuts and M&M's straight from the oesophagus just in case they get stuck midway. Is that true?

Oh wait! Please be assured that you are not in any way socially obligated to reveal such confidential state secrets to ordinary curious Homo sapiens like me. After all who am I to question the First Pet of the First Family, and a personal favourite of the First Lady.

As we reach towards the end of this rather poignant letter, you must be wondering why unlike the rest of the Indians I have not written a letter addressing your master, President Obama straight away and contemplated various policy reforms with regards to his visit to India on our Republic Day as our chief guest.

Well you see Bo, we come from a very hospitable nation indeed and we genuinely believe that nobody should be discriminated regardless of caste, gender, religion, colour or as in your case the biological hierarchy of life forms. In our culture, no guests are ever neglected, unless of course you are pesky Gupta aunty next door in which case I am sorry we can't lend you sugar anymore.

Anyways wish you a happy life ahead. Shall get in touch with you again, when Sooraj Barjatya starts shooting yet another family entertainment movie with canines playing pivotal roles.

Oh silly me! Just forgot, President Obama a warm welcome to India to you too. Heard Apple has slashed MacBook Pro rates out there. Do get some along with you to improve "bilateral relations" you know. Even if you don't get them for us, you are still always welcome to join us in a choreographed dance set to the patriotic tunes of "I love my India, watan mera India" song of Pardesmovie, on a tricoloured boat, while playing a tambourine simultaneously.

Here's to a brighter democracy. #NamasteObama Yes, we can !!

Yours most lovingly,

Rahul Batra

S.O.S (Save Our Science)

(Article written exclusively for India Today - Click Here)

No offense! But even Teletubbies looked more elegant than this.

The field of science and I have had a long, murky history indeed. Pardon me, but I don't seek to bedazzle the world with any remote signs of intellectual supremacy, gained by staring at dead cockroaches and frogs in formaldehyde-filled glass containers for hours at a stretch. (Hey biology, take that!)

Chemistry wasn't any fun either. It's kind of weird when the whole universe conspires to turn you into a sniffer dog, by making you smell colourful fumes gushing out of test tubes in order to determine whether the odour is pungent or not. Okay, I get it, Indian noses are trained to perpetually doubt their surroundings by sniffing for signs of gas leaks while asleep or awake, but that doesn't mean you start exploiting us by making us sniff test tubes.

Physics was all nice and good, until they started tricking us with questions like 

"a pendulum connected with a mass-less string hanging at an angle of 60 degrees from the horizontal is pushed and starts oscillating back and forth. Calculate and compare the change in angular velocity if it is done on the North Pole".

50 years down the line, when the planet is in tatters (if you remain alive or are reborn as Paris Hilton's Chihuahua for doing cartwheels to the temple and back every Sunday), do remember that in a world where polar bears and countless other creatures were facing extinction due to global warming, mankind chose to test pendulum velocities instead of saving them.

Recently, we had the prestigious 102nd Indian Science Congress in Mumbai where leading scientists were forced to do multiple face palms, thanks to some notable speakers and their creative outlook towards science.

Myth 1: Aviation conundrum 

According to Captain Bodas, a retired flying instructor, planes were first invented by Indians and not the Wright Brothers. And mind you, these were no normal jumbo jet planes. Besides moving forward and in reverse, they could even halt mid-air. Sadly, my friends, this technological innovation could not be passed down the ages and we have to make do with insignificant miracles like flying with emergency doors secured with masking tape or, as Air India calls it, "standard operating procedure".

Speaking of which, an upcoming Hindi movie Hawaizaada dwells on the same aviation myth which lacks evidence on all accounts.

Disclaimer: A bowl full of caramel popcorn may or may not have been shoved down my throat at the film producer's behest for plugging in the movie name here. Yes, those are the kinds of luxurious bribes I usually get.

Myth 2: Cow conundrum

My earliest memory of cows per se remains when I spotted them as a kid, smiling on the cover of cheese packs and milk bottles. They were white in colour with black spots, so aesthetically placed that you did not even need to Photoshop them. 

Being a Hindu, I have utmost respect for cows despite me having issues with their strategic equidistant droppings along roads. With the passage of time, I have come to the conclusion that the chances of landing your foot into cow dung is directly proportional to your efforts to avoid contact with it. For every three times that you successfully manage to avoid stepping on cow dung, a dropping from the pigeons above is rest assured. That's how karma works. 

What India truly needs is a driverless Google car, which avoids getting its tires over cow dung whilst navigating the roads. Boom! There you go Google, your next million dollar idea. Speaking of cows, Google, just in case you are filled with the "milk" of human kindness and feel like sending me my royalties, my bank account details will be made available on request.

At the conference, according to Dr Naik, bacteria in cows automatically converts whatever they eat into 24 carat gold. Quite a cool idea indeed. I can totally imagine a branded jewellery stall with a beautiful model holding a chainsaw, amidst a busy urban mall, with the hoarding "Cut the cow into two and win gold up to Rs 30 lakhs instantly". Before you know it, you shall be entitled to a "complimentary" beheading by local radical groups for offending religious sentiments.

Myth 3: Helmet conundrum

According to Mr Kiran Naik, two kings were fighting on Mars during Mahabharat and one of their helmets fell down; presumably, he was too busy Instagramming the moment and forgot to pick it up. When asked for evidence, he quickly retorted that if you Google "helmet in Mars", the picture shows up. It is with great sadness that I wish to inform you that after multiple attempts of Googling "Shaktimaan chilling with Kingfisher babes on Saturn", I was unable to come up with any such "scientific" evidence.

My heartfelt sympathies lie with all the other scientists who attended the event, seeking some thought-provoking discussions and analyses. Now, if you could please excuse me, I need to publish my research paper on the people of Ayodhaya doing the Gangnam style dance to celebrate Lord Ram's return from exile. Yes, I hereby declare that this dance form was invented in India, too. The Koreans simply aped us.

Horror-scope 2015

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)

Warm welcome to 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently I had the misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my star sign, Gemini it read -

'Be careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating'

Hate it when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. Now I'll be honest, horoscopes don't make too much sense to me considering that it's rather idiotic to divide the world into 12 star signs & hypothetically expect them to have the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalization. Even the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich, which I gladly accept just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping & a choco chip cookie to go along with my pile of grass or 'freshetarian revolution' as my marketing friends would reaffirm rather shamelessly.

"Sir we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in between your loaf,  & ketchup is NOT one of them for reasons we won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in protest."

It is with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead as a small token of love & appreciation to that son of a gun astrologer who predicted mine.

Disclaimer - I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So in case you do get killed under a Tata Nano despite of me predicting a long life ahead for you, I am sooooo not responsible. Not that you have an option to resurrect and take revenge. But come on,  it's humiliating enough to get driven over by  a Tata Nano, in which case you totally deserve to die. No offense.

I shall be focusing on 3 major aspects- love life, finance & health. Apologies, if I didn't touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) 

Your major romantic experiences shall come around June. The universe will conspire so you have the rare opportunity of having bhindi do pyaaza at your crush's wedding. Hold your horses, you won't be the groom. But, the jilted lover. With Saturn in the third house and other random planet geo positional co-ordinates I shall make up after 3 cans of beer, your finances will remain stable overall. Expect few minor health surgeries & STDs just incase you took the latest MakeMyTrip.com email seriously. FYI- The email subject was 'End 2014 with a bang. Book a package to Thailand right away!!'

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Expect your 'special someone' to kick you out of the house soon. Ya, moms get angry at times. Warm welcome to the #ForeverAlone zone. We missed you dearly. Money shall keep flowing seamlessly unless you decide to put that cute puppy of yours up for auction online, in which case do gear yourself to be struck by lightning. No health problems predicted for year ahead but do visit your doctor once in a while for that adrenaline rush of giving urine samples while the toilet door latch is broken.

Libra (September 23 — October 23)

A mysterious stranger will enter your life who will eventually end up ruining your love life, finances and health. The income tax inspector. Seriously, appoint a new chartered accountant.

Scorpio (October 23 — November 22)

 Your relationship will become more intimate. Expect the police cyber cell department  to monitor your creepy Facebook messages to random girls. Saving is a virtue indeed. A wise man once said.I am not wise & I didn't say that. But what I will say is that you might as well keep that 10 Rs note back in your wallet. Remember that 10 Rs tip you kept for the waiter in that 5 star hotel you dined in recently??  Bloody cheapo, you are! . No major health issues predicted. Piles may or may not affect you. Pretty much depends on the number of diarrhoea patients you mocked in your previous life birth.

Capricorn (December 22- January 20)

You, my friend are the distressed kind. The world has been rather unkind to you since the time you took birth. Like having a goat as a star sign wasn't embarrassing enough, the world threw bigger challenges at you. Just pray to the celestial powers above that in your next life birth, at least you get a more socially acceptable star sign like a Pikachu or something. Your love life shall blossom in the coming months. So much so, that you have full chances of getting kicked out by H.R for sexual harassment. Financial situation might be bit tricky. Support piracy. Opt for fake Hugo Boss fragrances. Trust me, no one will notice the difference. Be aware of common cold symptoms. They come in handy when you have a fake medical sick leave certificate in hand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Ok I am a bit biased. Your star sign is kinda related to water which in turn is related to Baywatch babes. So I shall go kind on you. Expect to flourish in all spheres of life- health, finance & love. Don't believe the  guys who say 'Love is the greatest treasure of life'. Quite possibly they are being chased by bank goons themselves for running late on loan repayments.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Love isn't anywhere near the horizon. But arranged marriage is.So congrats!! Finances shall remain smooth throughout the year. Unless you took up that Country Club annual membership, in which case you might as well seek entertainment by watching, pigeons indulging in public display of affection (PDAs) in your balcony rather than going out  to watch concerts of rejected Bollywood actresses. Heart ailments might bother you. Reduce your samosa consumption asap.

Virgo (August 24 — September 22)

Romantic relationships may come to a standstill. Gifting that artificial set to your loved one in a branded jewellery box was a f**ked up idea indeed! Gear up for unexpected business deals which will bring you plenty of fortunes. Trading WWE playing cards with friends does not count though. Expect liver issues to pop up. Unless you are in Gujarat in which case, fear diabetes first.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your potential soul mate is just round the corner and will forever remain there. Who the hell told you keeping ferocious Dobermans tied to your gate was a hospitable gesture?. Expect windfall gains shortly in your junk mail folder. For a change Nigerians won't cheat you this time. Fellow Indians shall do the needful !. Someone might stab you from behind while you're jogging on the treadmill. Stay away from the gym.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) 

You are fun loving, creative , gorgeous, intellectual, charming & any other sexy adjectives you can think of. Besides Angelina Jolie, Adriana Lima & Anna Kournikova, you also happen to share your star sign with me, the black sheep of  the Gemini family . You shall remain clueless in love life, finance & health in 2015, pretty much like I was when I started writing this article. You're welcome!

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Love is eternal indeed, somewhat like Rupa undergarments. You need a new partner soon . Finances shall remain stable provided you remain focused on your core skills- kidnapping toddlers for ransom. Spine ache could affect your health. Stop being a miser. Upgrade to that business class ticket you have always wanted. The food might suck, but they do give you perfumed wet tissues to wipe your tears filled with guilt for spending a bomb on shitty service.

Sagittarius (November 23 — December 21)

Cross cultural romantic relationships are on the cards. Expect a blissful union of two souls destined by the stars for love and love only & sometimes U.S  green card citizenship too. You shall feel burdened with the weight of materialism on your arms. Seriously, those Louis Vuitton suitcases look ugly!.Body ache might cause you many problems. My only advise is don't try out yogic postures unless you seek to get a spot on national television in the early morning hours wearing neon green coloured spandex  so grannies get entertained while watching you break your ligaments one after the other on Yoga shows.

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