Saturday, 24 January 2015

Open letter to Obama's dog, world's most important pet

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click here)

Dear Bo,
You might be wondering why I am even attempting to write a letter to you knowing fully well that you can't read. I do believe my thoughts will reach out to you some day. Dogs are a highly advanced species you see. They can, depending on what the script demands, don multiple hats right from umpiring cricket matches to even orchestrating distraught love stories towards a happy ending as evidenced in the Bollywood flick Hum Aapke Hai Koun by Tuffy the Pomeranian. Oh Tuffy, you the player!

It's overwhelming to know that when Osama Bin Laden's fate was getting sealed by Obama and the Navy SEAL snipers you must be sitting out there in the Oval office at the White House busy licking Oreo cookies. Fair enough.

Bo, the world looks up to you. And in each of those twinkling eyes of yours, the world seeks answers to rather nasty and spine chilling questions like -

"Will the Obama administration clamp down on the viral online dissemination of cat pictures with philosophical quotes?"

"Will Obama successfully manage to lobby his way through to ensure that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles get included in the forthcoming Kinder Joy eggs?"

"Will Obama be able to curtail Pizza Hut from annually launching 56,999 varieties of pizza crusts that mankind truly doesn't give a shit about?"

I can almost feel your pressure, Bo. To be honest, my life is a lot simpler than yours. It primarily revolves around taking death defying decisions like should I just wait for the elevator to come or should I get inspired by the elderly using the staircase. You bet, I chose the former option.

You have lived a dignified life indeed amidst so much pressure. I wonder while travelling with President Obama in those incredibly customised limousines, do you like stick your neck out of the window and make passing remarks to the rest of your doggie clan like "I own this country bitches". 

By the way I have heard that there is a robotic arm in that limousine which at the click of a button takes out peanuts and M&M's straight from the oesophagus just in case they get stuck midway. Is that true?

Oh wait! Please be assured that you are not in any way socially obligated to reveal such confidential state secrets to ordinary curious Homo sapiens like me. After all who am I to question the First Pet of the First Family, and a personal favourite of the First Lady.

As we reach towards the end of this rather poignant letter, you must be wondering why unlike the rest of the Indians I have not written a letter addressing your master, President Obama straight away and contemplated various policy reforms with regards to his visit to India on our Republic Day as our chief guest.

Well you see Bo, we come from a very hospitable nation indeed and we genuinely believe that nobody should be discriminated regardless of caste, gender, religion, colour or as in your case the biological hierarchy of life forms. In our culture, no guests are ever neglected, unless of course you are pesky Gupta aunty next door in which case I am sorry we can't lend you sugar anymore.

Anyways wish you a happy life ahead. Shall get in touch with you again, when Sooraj Barjatya starts shooting yet another family entertainment movie with canines playing pivotal roles.

Oh silly me! Just forgot, President Obama a warm welcome to India to you too. Heard Apple has slashed MacBook Pro rates out there. Do get some along with you to improve "bilateral relations" you know. Even if you don't get them for us, you are still always welcome to join us in a choreographed dance set to the patriotic tunes of "I love my India, watan mera India" song of Pardesmovie, on a tricoloured boat, while playing a tambourine simultaneously.

Here's to a brighter democracy. #NamasteObama Yes, we can !!
Yours most lovingly,
Rahul Batra
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