Friday, 21 December 2012

Open letter to the 'leftover human race'

"We may troll u guys!!"- Mayans

Incase the world ends today, I feel that it's my moral responsibility to share with you guys some tips that would ensure your race doesn't end as fast as ours.


If you are reading this ...congrats!! You have survived & shall inhabit the earth for some more years before yet another lame prediction of Mayans is discovered.

1) Hopefully unlike me, you don't have to endure Justin Bieber songs ever. So your chances of living a longer life increase by default. Lucky you!!

2) Our generation was in the social networking era. We had immense opportunities to click our profile pics in our bathrooms, Instragram a pic of every morsel of food we had. (& yes did I forget to mention, that we even had the chance to reduce poverty on our planet by simply 'liking' pics of poor people on FB).In the best interests of human sanity DON'T do that.

3)  Banking system was real bad while we were alive. Most of us were deep in debt. (infact some of us even mortgaged our family members for getting loans). But to come to think of it, we are not the only ones to be blamed. Partial blame even goes to the people employed in call centres who used to win our dumb masses over with those 5 golden words - "You are our lucky customer".

4) Downloading pirated stuff ie games,movies etc was our national sport  which we did practice very diligently. Carry on the legacy!! (& ya be kind and don't password protect your wi fi network. Come on that's the least you could do to serve the society.)

5) My fellow homo sapiens have been immensely addicted to profound things about film celebrities like the no of lettuce leaves they put in their burgers,  the  different body parts they have been operated on, the no of times they have worn the same pair of heels in a decade etc. We also loved testing our peers on these facts and declaring them as outcastes/'nerds' if they got any answer wrong. Kindly stay away from such bullshit facts .It will kinda help in not bringing human intellectual progress to a standstill.

6) The only hope of making it big during our days was receiving emails sent from angels around the globe who needed our help (& bank a/c numbers to send us millions of dollars). Sadly enough they turned out to be Nigerian scamsters. :( Rascals!!

7) For heaven sake DO NOT put sentimental/emotional/heart-warming things in your status updates after hunting for them on Google. No one gives a damn. Seriously. (Ok  I might be kind enough to acknowledge your copying & pasting skills on the computer. Will do it by leaving only a 'k' in the comments sections after reading through the 3 long paragraphs you have pasted as your status message. This cruelty shall be done ONLY to piss you off. Get it??

8) Incase you do come across any fitness related articles which tell you to diet, go to the gym, stare at the sun for 3 hrs nonstop to gain Vitamin D, try some unique yoga posture which will ensure that you remain bedridden for atleast a month to come etc. Plz BURN them!!! The ones who need it won't read it, anyways. So what's the point of keeping them??

9) In our days , there was a breed of homo sapiens who achieved the skills of a pro photographer just by owning a Cannon DSLR camera . Plz burn down a few Canon DSLRs too. You shall be hailed as a 'saviour' for the field of photography just by doing this task. Trust me.

10) In the future no matter how advanced telecommunications systems get when the guy you are speaking to over the phone is not able to hear your voice & responds by screaming "Hello, helloooooo, Helloooooooo". You do NOT have to match his screaming skills by doing the same. Just keep the phone down and call him up again. It's that simple.

11) Eating a dosa with a spoon and a fork is DUMB & cannot be justified by any means whatsoever. About time you start munching pani puris using chopsticks too. Seems legit !!

12) Wearing sunglasses at night is NOT all that 'cool'. Don't worry the street lights won't make you go blind & neither will the paparazzi drop from the sky and start clicking your pics. Incase you do get blind, don't worry coz Aishwarya Rai has already pledged her eyes for donation after her demise. But you gotto wait for a few more decades to see things from 'her point of view' literally.

13) If you are a guy,  contrary to popular belief wearing your pants way too low doesn't really increase your chances at pleasing the opposite gender. Sorry neither I nor the rest of the world at large is interested in checking whether you are wearing a Rupa or a Jockey underwear. And since when did your underwear brand become a sign of your economic status?? . Not sure of your economic status but it does reflect quite a bit about your intellectual status.                                                                                                               

So for heaven sake pull your pants UP a lil !!                                                                                                                       Thanks A TON !!,   Regards,                              The gravitational force on earth                                                                                                                                        
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