Friday, 13 February 2015

Open letter to the committed gang

Dear committed gang,

Congrats !! It's that time of the year again Hindu Mahasabha activists are on the streets & you are about to get beaten for roaming around with a girl. ie it's Valentine's day ! Hurray!!.

Apparently the Constitution of India grants you the legal right to move around with an extraterrestrial but not with a girl of a different caste.
Yet another insignificant contribution to mankind besides this article
It's that time of the year when love is in the air & moving on the streets holding blood red coloured teddy bears becomes socially acceptable.

Many years ago Mughal emperor Shah Jahan,  built  the Taj Mahal, an epitome of true love. A monument dedicated to fleecing foreign tourists and 'also' in the loving memory of his wife.

#FunFact- A day before the launch party of  the Taj Mahal, workers were busy practicing  the dance steps of the legendary 'Macarena' song and all of a sudden their hands were chopped off so they could never build a monument like Taj Mahal ever again.

Note to self- Don't chop off the hands of the guy that makes Chilli Paneer at your favourite restaurant.
Googling up Valentine's day I got to know the list of the insignificant days prior to this day-

7th Feb Rose Day
8th Feb Propose Day
9th Feb Chocolate Day
10th Feb Teddy Day
11th Feb Promise Day
12th Feb Kiss Day
13th Feb Hug Day

And as always when shit hits the fan ,that's where we come in!!

In the best interests of mankind I seek to add a more realistic touch to the days prior to Valentine's day.

7th Feb- 'Getting friendzoned' Day-

A day when you officially get friendzoned by your loved one. As brutal & heartless as it may seem. Don't worry, you are not alone. The whole Punjabi music industry pretty much survives on guys getting friendzoned. Don't believe me? YouTube it!

8th Feb- Gifting Lauki with a red ribbon to your gf's mom Day (known as bottle gourd for the ones who don't know & whose appetite isn't scarred by this horrific vegetable as yet)

Pampering your potential mother in law never hurts in the long run you know.

9th Feb- 'Walking her dog at 5 in the morning for pooping' Day.

Nothing more divine than waking up so early in the morning  not because you are a fitness freak, but because you need to take her dog out for pooping.  To hell with those 'dog is a man's best friend' quotes!

10th Feb- 'Watching Salman Khan's Tere Naam film for inspiration' Day

Now this film defies all preconceived notions about Valentine's day. It's basically about a girl who defies all odds and removes the filters of complexion, annual salary while selecting her potential groom on Women empowerment at it's best. Dear Rahul Gandhi , You're welcome! 

This film is also a fitting tribute to the numerous guys who feel getting a new hairstyle increases your chances of finding love. And even if you do succeed, you will end up with Bhumika Chawla not Deepika or Katrina.

11th Feb- 'Hunting for cheap Valentine's day gifts' Day

So Valentine's day is just round the corner. You need to buy something real good for your loved one before she elopes with another one.

#ProTip- Regardless of what adverts say, gifting a red coloured juicer cum blender to is almost equivalent to throwing a cucumber on your loved one with the instruction 'Lazy bum! Go make me a sandwich!'

12th Feb- Avoiding 'Public Display of Affection (PDA)' Day .

Try your level best to avoid watching  'Public displays of affections', is an art indeed. It's the season of love. Everybody is busy making out... pigeons,dogs, guys,girls,ogres  etc.

13th Feb- 'Googling for cheesy love quotes' Day.

When looks fail to impress, words are your last hope. And what's more exclusive than writing shitty love quotes on gifts. Just stay away from PJs like 'Hey baby is your dad a terrorist??  Because you are such a bomb'.

#ProTip- Adding Rumi behind any random quotation increases it's credibility by 80% instantly just like how you can wear a lab coat and come on national television to talk about chaat masala increasing human lifespan & no one will even doubt you once.

Now if you could excuse me I shall continue with my annual Valentine's Day tradition of tagging my single friends in 'Love is eternal' pics on Facebook.

Best Regards,
#Forever Alone team

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