Wednesday, 11 July 2012


Indian Cinema has left a profound impact on me. I have started believing the unbelievable. I don’t question the protagonist’s physical strength anymore as he tries to battle with a 100 or more villains double his size with absolute perfection and gets away with a few minor scratches. I can predict the plot of the film with 99% perfection (or maybe 99.28% to be more precise) after enduring the first five minutes of the film.

A typical Indian movie will start like every other movie by naming most of the culprits who are behind this film just incase u want to appreciate their efforts by shooting them down after watching the film. Come on we live in a free country where we enjoy right to speech (whether your audience is sleeping or awake), right to education (often terminated by failing you in Maths), right to practice any profession (kidnapping included),right to shoot @ sight (k got to clarify this one.)

Then we have the Censor Board certificate with miniscule writing which for some strange reasons is a document that the audience tries it's level best to read every word written with great curiosity as if it’s Bill Gates will that is presented on the 360 mm wide screen. Mentally they get to divide his fortune worth billions amongst themselves. Must admit it’s quite a good feeling especially when you have recovery agents of all possible banks in existence or (moving out of existence in the financial crises) chasing you from one street to another making you appear as a regular cross country marathon runner.

Indian movies are flamboyant in every respect .Everything is king size be it their beds, homes or even their families. The hero is always either ultra-rich or ultra-poor. We love breaking into impromptu dances be it on weddings or funerals. If it’s a foreign location where our song is being shot the urge to dance at public spots simply multiplies. Critics might call it the spread of Indian culture but for me it is simply insanity glorified.

The spectacular part about our movies is that they are twice the length of Hollywood movies with half the content. The interval serves as a good reason to crib about the film and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of the other half & a short trip to the loo with long queues at the urinal and the refreshing sounds of the flush in the background. ;)

Our heroes are true heroes in every respect. No matter how many bullets pierce through their skin they won’t die before finishing their dialogue. The heroines are the delicate darlings who besides staring at the mirror and perpetually admiring their beauty can occasionally be seen running around trees and bush seeking eco-friendly private spots. Contrary to popular belief it is always the vamp lady that ends up uniting the whole family to seek vengeance against her.

The villains are the best and most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero while the rest form a circle and get busy giving angry looks on their face. As soon as they get beaten one each one goes to some extreme corner and lie down wriggling in pain. So you see it’s good to be bad in our films.

Horror stories are equally bizarre .Don’t be surprised if you see people coming out laughing after seeing a horror movie .The horror element consists of possibly a few body parts lying split around here and there and not to forget the weird noises in the background much to the delight of the almost tone deaf audience whose ears have endured the likes of Himesh Reshammiya!! The Laughing Messiah Productions salutes these brave souls.

I have had my share of fame way back in childhood when I got a lot of critical acclaim for playing the role of a tree in a play in kindergarten. My role was to just keep my mouth shut and stay in my costume praying for the play to end fast enough before I wet my pants. Needless to say my career graph in acting suffered a lot and the inner actor in me came alive only when my Maths marks were declared during high school and I had to shed a few tears at home to express my grief at my marks while being excited at the prospects of a sumptuous meal to follow.

Indian cinema has gained immense popularity overseas for unknown reasons.According to me it's because-

a) Foreigners have not come across any of Chunky Pandey’s films as yet otherwise a global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

b) Govinda’s dance moves have inspired millions to abandon dancing all together.

c)  Audiences feel that it's their moral responsibility to go and watch Uday Chopra's movies  as a mark of   respect to his dad for giving innumerable blockbuster hits.

d) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than the whole Torrid Zone put together.

e) SRK's romantic dialogues are the cause of numerous break ups world wide.
"Tum toh SRK ke dialogues hi copy kar sakte ho, uski tarah romance nahi kar sakte.Get lost.I don't need u any more!!"

f) Hollywood films don't always come with happy endings.

Signing out before I start receiving the "critic of the year" award (if something like that exists on our planet)!! 
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