Monday, 27 January 2014

BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)

Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').
Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-

Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "

Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.

A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "

The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.

Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?

6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd

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