Saturday, 28 June 2014

E-commerce saves the day

It's  been long since mankind discovered fire by rubbing stones together.Which was proof enough of the depths fellow homo sapiens could go to smoke weed. Cleverly they camouflaged it in history textbooks  with scholarly theories of how it was discovered as a means of 'protection & keeping warm' & not to forget lavish barbeque spreads. Still believe many gujjus are busy lighting fire with stones to save electricity bills.

We have managed to transform since that age.Technological advancement has helped us answer many real world challenges like broadcasting to the world & outer world every 2.5 mins that you are sitting in the business class lounge of an airline  or be it instagramming that dal fry you made after worshiping Sanjeev Kapoor & his clan (for bringing out fancy names like Lauki Quesadillas to stuff down Indian throats) & after a dozen hashtags uploaded it on Facebook  #homemade #cooking #shooking  #desi #fun  #OMG-My-mom- might-just-marry- me-off-to-someone-for-making-this  which you eventually threw down the bin  because it tasted less of dal and more of disappointment.

E-commerce is something that surrounds us in totality.Everything is going 'e'.  

I don't know but on all occasions like New Year ,birthdays etc I get spammed with emails in my inbox trying to prick on my emotions and force me to send gifts to relatives that meet me once every 2 decades only to come out with  philosophical lines such as  "Beta, you have grown so old . You remember the last time I met you failed to recognize all body parts and hence almost got disowned by your parents for humiliating them in front of all other family members?"

(Fun Facts- In India it is a common household tradition to entertain your guests by testing your infant kid's IQ level by asking simple questions like Beta where is your nose?, Beta,show aunty your atrioventricular valve?)

And all this while you thought posing with eyes filled up with truckloads of kajal was the only humble duty of Indian infants

I don't know what's wrong with Indian web portals but since when did we Indians start celebrating Thanksgiving Day. The closest form of Thanksgiving celebrated in India is possibly when you pass on your unwanted gifts to your loved ones (fondly known as near & dear ones to express your fake affection) & receive their unwanted gifts in return on Diwali.This never ending cycle of 'love' continues till one fine day someone walks into the other ones Diwali party and humbly proclaims that dahi vadas were hard & thereby face a  Swadeshi movement equivalent boycott at all future Diwali parties.      

(Desi Pro tip #42-Abuse us,abuse our clan, abuse our gods, but do not fuckin pass comments on the softness of our dahi vadas or idlis)

Feelings ought to be genuine. Shopping should remain a very personal experience.

Instead of the clich├ęd  lines like 'users also bought  the following products',  would love to see pop up windows like 'Mrs Gupta next door also chose to trade her mother in law's kidneys for the following products '

or maybe

'This New Year make a refreshing start, Gift a comode to your loved ones' (#ShitJustGotReal) 

Needless to say my marketing skills could never be utilized for the world's greater good. :( :'(

Cash on Delivery concept is one big boon to India considering the Indian need for fighting tooth and nail negotiating a product's price to the lowest rates for an hour & finally not even buying it & justifying it with excuses like 'Iska rang thoda gaudy hai'.And all this while you were under the false illusion that the 4 Ps of marketing concept was all encompassing & took Indian aunties into consideration.

 The last time India lost it's collective shit online was on the IRCTC website which besides helping you book your railway tickets online also gave you a chance time travel till the time you reached the payment screen.

 Nowadays we have Domino's online pizza ordering service where you can actually track your pizza order in real time which so uber cool. You can track your order right from the time they place toppings on hard as steel pizza base till it's out from the oven partially burnt or as the marketing whiz kids call it 'barbecued Mexican Old style' pizza.  As an Indian it fills me with immense pride indeed when I ping  the website to get my estimated delivery time only to get a 'ladka nikal gaya hai' message flash on my laptop screen in bold letters.Sincerely believe that one day I would become a millionaire after hoarding all those oregano seasonings & chilli flakes sachets over the years.

Like it or not e-commerce is here to stay.

Spending the rest of the year starting my online bootlegging business in Gujarat region.As Batman would put 'Gotham err Gujarat needs me '
Till we meet again Adios!!

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