Tuesday, 5 August 2014

To Goa with love

The year is 1497. Vasco Da Gama JUST cleared his class 12 board exams and like every other day he went on a conquest of self discovery deep within. Who knew 3 cans of beer was all it would take.

Like every other foreign invader Vasco Da Gama came to visit India as a 'tourist' & one fine day thought 'Hey we might look like a hybrid between Latinos & Greeks but so what let's rule these bitches!'.And that is how the Portuguese conquest in India started & my hopes of making it to the passing mark in high school History exam ended. 

 However history textbooks still believe that Vasco Da Gama came to India for it's spices & NOT to puke outside beachside shacks across Goa's coastline.You take your pick. Kinda sad MDH masala uncle greeted him on Indian shores ready to  jump into a song & dance sequence over a pack of Chunky Chaat Masala. Apologies Vasco Da Gama, I feel you bro! :'(

India's answer to Vasco Da Gama.In my head I can imagine George Clooney lonely without chicks but this guy NEVERRR #InMDHMasalasWeTrust

Recently I had the opportunity to visit Goa for the first time.So it is but natural that I would dedicate an article to this wonderful place.

Statutory Disclaimer: My college days were spent in a dry state called Gujarat & in an alcohol rehab fondly known as Ahmedabad.College days were spent getting drunk with Amul Kool milk bottles & our 'happening' night life started & ended with going out late night for a cup of tea at a roadside kitli  #FML #ThankYouModi .So yes feel free to have your laughs.

The thing about Goa is that it gives you answers to many existential  questions about life like-

 1) Is it okay to walk into a funeral service wearing Hawaiian pattern bermudas?

2) Did Jesus sacrifice his life only to get featured in selfies with people making pout faces? 

3) Is it okay if you would love your country to get invaded a few times more till the time hot bikini clad foreign chicks run in slow motion across beaches. 

(Fun fact -An average Goa beach is nothing more than India's biggest gathering of dudes wearing Rupa underwears trying to hit upon that 1 solitary foreign chick sunbathing on the beach.Who says India is not competitive?  :P 

We're racist & we know it Yo!

Goa gives you the best of natural beauty(i.e beaches) and manmade beauty (i.e blonde babes) technically speaking ofcourse ;)  Since I happened to go during the off season monsoon period I shit you not , the ONLY blonde thing I saw in my whole trip was that sniffer dog at the airport. *weeps*

A spice plantation tour is a big tourist attraction in Goa. Like every loyal tourist I too booked a tour for it. It's a 1.5 hour long tour where they make you walk through the plantations stopping by random plants & telling you medicinal properties of each plant (more passionately than the  broke guy wearing lab coat in those Asian Sky Shop ads).  While this educational tour keeps going on people are generally busy scratching their arm pits and other controversial body parts to entertain themselves.Towards the end of the tour I was so expecting the tour guide to go like ''and now the moment you have all been waiting for.It's my honour to show you my weeeeeeeeeeeeeeed plantations (apologies for the extra e letters, you see just 'thinking' about drugs get me all high & shit :P ) ''. Unfortunately it never happened. :(

Goa is filled with many local garment & accessories shops. The standard operating procedure out there is that the moment you walk into a shop the sales guy will scan you from top to bottom just to see if you are a -
1) A hippie

2) A wannabe hippie in other words a Delhi Punju guy

3) A natural hippie i.e Gujjus & Sindhi folks you're welcome! Wearing those bright fluorescent coloured shirts clearly worked in your favour.

4) Aam Aadmi
Needless to say I couldn't make it to the cut and fell straight into the 4th category & was shown the aam aadmi stuff. :(

Goa  happens to be the 2nd most popular honeymoon destination after Shimla which makes complete sense coz in Shimla it's practically not possible to draw a heart shape in wet beach sand and write your name & your beloved partner's name & occasionally the dowry amount within the heart shape. Awwwwwww How romantic :P  

Goa is filled with so many historic spots and churches and temples.  
' As you can see to my left is that sanctimonious spot where Saint *inserts random Christian name* smoked pot a century ago.' - Things your tour guide never told you

The funny part about many historical churches out there is that once you enter you can take pictures of random walls or pigeons making out on windows but you simply CANNOT take pics with family & friends.

 Adios for now, gotto go & upload a 'Mah Goa Trip Bitchezz' Fb album.Do share the article online by clicking the icons below or at atleast have the courtesy to print it & wrap your pakodas in it.
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