Saturday, 6 September 2014

Social media Deconstructed - Part 1

Mankind has reached the stage of nirvana. We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. So it's but natural photographing  insects sitting on leaves with ultra zoom lenses became socially acceptable.Though photography page owners on Facebook you still disappoint me with no pics of cockroaches playing hide and seek on kitchen cutlery with  philosophical quotes like 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars' coz on an average day it's things like these that brighten up my morning.

1) Food -

Gone are the days when just clicking pics with Ronald McDonald abroad to show off to fellow indians back home was a moment of national pride.But globalization took over shortly and all big brands started coming in to Mother India.Before you could figure out what was happening they even came up with local variants McPaneer (coz calling it McWhiteFriedPiecesOfRubber would offend cows & indians but mostly the cows), McAlooTikki ( or as McDonald's describes it a mouth-watering potato patty infused with  Indian spices so scarce to find that the British would have ruled for 300 more years in India had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan )

Instagram took over mankind and newsfeeds got spammed left right and centre with pics of food. Each competing against one another.

'My Dal Makhni has more coriander leaves than yours.Fuck you! I win !

Pro tip- If your dish doesn't look good photogenic enough, garnish the hell out of it with whatever you find in the kitchen.This will serve 2 purposes

a) It will help camouflage your ugly looking dish.

b) It helps create a positive vibe amongst your guests who get deceived by the looks of it only to realize their folly shortly enough much like The Last Supper

(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like  'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )

Instagram coz eating eats unmelted ice cream is just too mainstream

There are some unsaid rules too.You are not a self respecting Indian in Canada if you don't get a pic clicked with a Tim Hortons coffee cup.Sometimes genuinely think if that is like one of the hidden immigration rules policy out there.

All thanks to this flood of food pics all 
over my newsfeed I have finally learned big big words which I shall try my level best to decipher for my readership.

Connoisseur- A fancy term used as a face saving device when food tastes raw.Coz you see calling a person halwai on his face is just too mainstream.

Gourmet- A very well thought drafted by the broke guys in the food industry  after collaborating with marketing guys to rip your wallets for serving the same food ofcourse with a touch of gourmet.......

Vada Pav- 15 Rs, Gourmet Vada Pav- 120 Rs

Green Salad - 30 Rs  ,Gourmet Green Salad tossed with cracked pepper with a tinge of lemon & tossed yet again this time with a dash of olive oil & farm fresh iceberg lettuce leaves greener than Hulk's rear end & juicy tomatoes so red in colour blood seems fake- Rs 150

Aficionado - Not gonna lie, googled the term to get the right spelling.According to the dictionary it means someone who is devoted to something which is totally kinda cool coz in daily life I go around telling people 'Yo bro , you are such a Shera Vali Maata aficionado'. & yes I am going to hell for trolling my own religion. You're welcome!

2) Health & wellness-

You can always depend on my fellow Punjabi clan to mince around with words. In your mom's  eyes you are never really fat, you are always 'healthy'.As a 'healthy' guy I find it very adorable Lee Cooper comes out with 'skinny' jeans in XL size.Makes you feel all the more loved right?

What pisses me off to the core is health related stuff flooding on my newsfeed/Twitter timeline.Shall share a few examples below to refresh your memory-

'Clocked in 40 min cardio , 33 min push ups & 20 min power jogging- Feeling refreshed'

'2 hours of 'Power' Yoga'- Feeling Rejuvenated
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)

'10 km early morning jog, muscles ache but I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep #100HealthyDays'
(Pro tip- No offense but I'd rather make some money throwing newspapers in people's balconies than running around for free. )

In all honesty I have burned more calories getting pissed off at your health related status updates than actually working out. When I had started going to the gym (somewhere around the time where Zumba was in trend which was quintessentially 'ameero ka bhangra' Translation- Bhangra for the elite' '

I had gone to the gym filled with optimism and expected to see hot babes sweating & having ice cool lemonade you know like the kinds they show in movies. But I was betrayed............. all I got to see was uncles wearing shiny neon green vests with fat hairy thighs moving around in shorts desperately trying to add to the sensuality & oomph factor in the gym premises.Clearly it was the darkest day 
in the history of my life, so much so that I gave up on the concept of fitness all together.

Day 1- An average next door blonde chick (Nope not talking of my locality.I am cursed by the stars u see).
Day 90- A sturdy Haryanvi Jaat JUST in 3 months!  #ReasonEnough2AvoidGym

Please for heaven sake don't take selfies at your marathon runs or gyms and upload them online.My immediate psychological reaction to that is almost like the puja ki thali dropping scene in bollywood films, the only difference being that I drop my nacho in my cheese dip and let it lie there drowned in the sea of cheddar cheese calories. #StillAMoreHeartWarmingStoryThanTitanic

Having 'sweated' it out on speed -2 on the treadmill I must admit I kinda find it idiotic to see those silly blinking LED completing a circle on the screen as you slog it out. What I would personally find more motivational is that the LEDs blink slowly and soon enough form the shape of a kachori or samosa as you keep jogging. And in the end when you have accomplished your goal of running a few hours on the treadmill the screen ought to read 'You just burned enough calories for a mere lil aloo pakoda, start again' *facepalm*

More often than not you see pics being uploaded with people wearing full on gym gear, with all those Adidas sweat bands, Nike cross fit shoes etc  which is kinda totally cool considering you are gonna spend time staring at your mobile screen while your Pomerian jogs on your behalf on the treadmill.Congrats, you totally nailed it!

That's all for now. Thanks for being patient enough to read this long post before burning my effigies on the road. Do make it a point to share/spam this article on the walls of your fitness freak/ instagram food enthusiast friends by clicking the icons below. Shall be continuing with my thoughts on this social media series.Till we meet again Adios! 

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