Friday, 19 September 2014

Book bucket challenge conundrum

I recently had the privilege of being selected as the privileged few to boast my intellectual supremacy or rather the lack of it on Facebook i.e got nominated for the book bucket challenge. Now unlike the ALS ice bucket challenge which seeks to raise awareness pf a chronic disease, the book bucket challenge is more of a competition somewhat like the ones which Delhi aunties indulge in every now & then- 'My Loueeees Vuitton is better than yours'. 

Louis Vuitton- Uniting Delhi aunties since 1947

Social decorum demands you list out a few books that have influenced your life which is kinda cute coz given whether you read Chetan Bhagat or Shakespeare in your teenage days really makes a hell of a difference to my existence on the planet. Pasting my ultra long Facebook status below. Happy reading. 

Firstly a big thanks to Hiral Raval for choosing me for the book challenge & making my fingers go numb typing out such a long article.
*inserts a few other fake pleasantries while cursing her under his breath :P*

Mandatory book pic due to intense peer pressure

So here goes my list of top 10 books that have had a profound influence on me throughout my life (in no particular order coz all are equally pointless) -

1) Tinkle Double Digest Vol 2 - This book is of utmost significance to mankind coz it is in this book that Kapish the clever monkey uses his mental skills to beat the shit out of Peelu the tiger.And also coz 'Peelu' is JUST the kinda name a tiger would like to be named as after birth.

2) Spicejet inflight magazine- Never read any articles in them (I am always too busy giving live status updates u see) but it's still a great magazine considering that Spicejet is cheap enough & doesn't give you any menu card so u HAVE to look into the magazine to see the meal options available.They have a shitty weekly chart & it gives me great pleasure to inform you that contrary to popular belief 'tindey ki subzi' features on none of the days.

*does a victory run & loses a few calories by mistake *

3) Wren & Martin English Grammar - This book is possibly the 2nd most holiest book in any Punjabi household after the Guru Granth Sahib considering that if u have the ability to master it no force known to man can stop you from settling as permanent illegal immigrants in AMKREEEEEEKAAAA, Canada or South Hall. Barely opened the book once or twice but had got it from the book store mainly due to the 'Wren & Martin nahi li toh log kya kahenge?' peer pressure which is quite common in Indian households.

4) Principles of Accounts- Class 12 ISC Boards- This was one book which made me realise that my true calling was accounts. ‪#‎FML‬ and one fine day in my head I went like 'Hey I could make some money hatching eggs on MS Excel all my life' ‪#‎ShitCharteredAccountantsWillNeverTellYou‬

5) Introduction to Indian Taxation 1st year This was another great book which was so boring as hell that it inspired me to venture into humour writing all together. All lectures I attended for this subject were spent writing articles in my notebooks only to realise a day before the exam that I had more humour articles than any Taxation related notes in my notebook after which the process of sourcing notes written by the nerdy ones began to pass the exams.

6) Class 12 ISC History textbook- Now this another all time favourite book & I highly doubt if I left any picture on which I had NOT made speech bubbles with random dialogues or drew silly stuff on faces of historic leaders.It's kinda lovely how Congress gets declared an illegal organization precisely after every 2.5 pages by the British. And mind you this book was real thick in size.Lost count of the no of Gandhi jokes I wrote in those pages.Indian history is pretty hilarious when you go into depth. Thanks for reminding me I need to write a series of articles with my thoughts on it too.

7) Lenovo laptop troubleshooting guide- This is one book I have saved since almost 1.5 yrs now hoping that it will help me in my time of need.Sometime last year my screen conked off and with great excitement I opened to the page for laptop screen issues. It had a nice flow chart diagram and it went something like-
If your laptop screen display doesn't work-

Step 1- switch the power button on and off 
(which is perfectly fine considering that there are millions of IT tech support guys around the world whose livelihood depends on this one instruction)

Step 2- Put the laptop lid up and then down

Step 3- Dance around a bonfire wearing leaves with black & red stripes smeared across your face & try evoking the heavenly spirits

Step 4- Bastard, take your laptop to the nearest service station where a customer service representative will be more than happy to keep you waiting for 1.5 hours while she finishes her minesweeper game on her desktop.

8) IKEA yearly home catalogue- This helps me a realize what an Indian household ought to look like in an alternate universe. And also helps to let me concentrate my thoughts on existential issues like 'Bro, why don't these IKEA people sell aggarbatti stands too? Fuckin racists  '

9) Emirates Driving Institute Driving manual - Now this book contains all guidelines and tips to driving safe on the roads out here. Cunningly enough they didn't include important tips like for eg when you are in a mall's parking and there is a huge line of cars waiting behind you to take your space.An ideal driver should get the fuck out of there asap but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dubai drivers wait for half an hour keeping the rear red lights ON & play a game of two of Antakshari or Dumb Charades in their car and then leave the spot while keeping the whole line of cars behind them confused if they plan to vacate the spot or not. Sadly enough my proposal of making this manual into a full fledged comic series without charging a single penny in royalties got turned down. I know it's a very heartbreaking tale indeed. 

10) The Orient Longman School Atlas- Back in school days it helped me a lot in my in my Geography papers which were exams where they would give you a map of India and make you mark random irrelevant stuff like - mark 3 places where Iron & lignite reserves are found. In retrospect I think it would have made a lot more sense if they would have asked socially relevant questions to mark on India's map like 'mark 5 places where Bacardi NH7 Weekender is held ' or 'mark 2 places where Aamir Khan's weeping poster of Satyamev Jayte was not put up' or 'mark 6 places where the Kingfisher calendar with those beauties is shot'

That's all for now. I guess now you have a deeper insight into the books that inspired me! I hereby nominate Ravina Mekan, Gayathri Velu ,Urvish Subodh , Dharti Shah to choose their top 10 books........& try NOT to hate me guys lest my karmic balance tumbles 
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