Friday, 31 October 2014

A Desi survivor's guide to Halloween

So we have finally reached month end.It's October end.Now October is what one would usually associate with the Oktoberfest ie that part of the year where westerners get to act like alcohol deprived Gujjus.For reasons beyond my control, Oktoberfest has not made its debut in India but who cares  you know, we got Sunburn Festival ie that festival where all music enthusiasts jointly assemble in Goa and smoke pot together & jointly discuss the nuances of music while being sloshed.

So recently Halloween has apparently caught attention of fellow Desis in India.

Desi Survivor's guide to Halloween for Desis

Step 1- Making a Jack -O -Latern prototype

As any of your amreeekaan cousins might vouch for, Halloween is incomplete without a Jack-O-Lantern which is basically an 'ameero ka diya' ie 'Rich guys lamp.'So traditionally the westerners take a much hated veggie ie pumpkin and carve a weird face on it. But we being and pioneers of jugaad shall add a personal touch to it.So just to fuck around with the gora folks we being Indians ,the pioneers of zero, iron chained mugs in train loos & god knows how many other glorious contributions to the world in general shall come out with the Lauki -O -Lantern.All right ! Calm down.Before you all outrage 'Hey dude ! What's with you & your lauki jokes.Never seem to end.'

You are free to innovate with other vegetables too . Now comes the next question, why this holy deviation from the much loved pumpkin. Pumpkin was used as Cinderella's carriage. For the sake of my next gen younger readers who were busy contributing to the nation's development by emptying hair gel bottles on every strand of their hair  & who might not be aware what Cinderella was all about, I shall elaborate indeed. Cinderella in short is a story set in the pre era where one had to actually hunt for grooms.

Cinderella was this manglik chick whom no one would marry until & unless she exchanged vows  with a cactus or something first. Apparently there was a marwadi community meet & greet event a few blocks down the road where aunties would display their sons one by one on a ramp walk & their dowry rates & educational qualifications would flash on a projector screen alongside .Now poor lil Cindrella wasn't allowed to attend it. The town's rich ass prince let's name him Siddharth Mallya for the time being was dumped by the other chicks in town coz his dad was broke & he was a douchebag but mostly because he was a douchebag .So Siddharth finally found Cindrella whom he convinced to marry him giving her hope that his fortunes would revive some day in an Arjun Rampalish kinda fashion.
And they lived happily ever after.

Now if you would ask me where did the inspiration behind Lauki -O-Lantern arose. please read below.We have all grown up seeing the 'Pimp my ride' show on Mtv where they take a random car & fill it with LCD plasma screens EVERYWHERE to a point where the car owner goes like 'Bro calm the fuck down.Please spare the windscreen yo.I gotto see the road not your LCD.''

Now the indian equivalent of Pimp my ride is affixing a Lord Ganesha mini figurine on the car bonnet with a mini button on the side which after pressing would lead to LEDs being activated & Lord Ganesha in a discotheque situation & monotonous bhajans on loop mode bhajans instead of the dubstep music. Lord Ganesha be like ''dude the fourth LED from the right just conked off thus exponentially reducing my oomph factor.Please fix asap. ''

Step 2- Selecting a spooky costume

Now unlike the west where there is a scramble for spooky stuff & props you really don't have to stress out too much out here. All you need is to ring up your next door Sindhi/Gujju friend & specifically utter the following morse code

'Party wear needed for evening.Keep it classy'

And voila within a few hours you shall have the most outrageous dress which could be any fluorescent shade under the sun to polka dots & everything in between.This is the surprise element you see.Now all you need is a bit of pathetic makeup to go with your dress & you are ready to go.

ProTip- Putting those face packs enriched with watermelon, peach , tea tree oil & a tinge of cow dung for that earthly touch should work the trick.

Step 3- Trick or treat mania

Trick or treat might sound quite cool thing to do in USA. It's basically kinda a mini warning where kids go house to house warning people to straight away give them candies otherwise expect some pranks in return .

For heavensake DO NOT TRY THIS IN INDIA coz all you might have noble intentions but people generally don't.So before you even  finish the 'Hello aunty,Trick or treat' dialogue you shall be packed off to Kota,Rajasthan for IIT JEE classes irrespective of your consent.

And lets for a minute assume we live in an ideal world.Not sure if you will get any 'treats' but you shall definitely get many of those Dominoes oregano & chilly flakes sachets which every Desi family religiously saves up in bulk lest the country faces any starvation threat in the near future.

Step 4- Social etiquette at Halloween parties

Now incase you haven't finished settling your scores with all your neighbours  over that larger than life ugly show piece they gifted you on Diwali, you might have a few friends that might invite you over for Halloween parties. Now these parties are an equalizer of some sorts as everyone looks equally outrageous so you do stand a good chance of attracting the opposite gender without being slapped. Since the whole concept revolves around scaring the shit out of other folks, making the sounds Bengali ladies do during weddings to invoke spirits might come in handy. Please note as much you might desire but dressing up as Goddess Kaali does NOT count as Halloween costume.And 

With this come to the end of our Desi guide to surviving Halloween. Incase you do survive this Halloween by following these, do send me your selfies from the ICU after you get beaten up black & blue by your well-wishers  . Shall be happy to send you a get well soon bouquet & card.

Do click the 'Home Alone' tab at the top of the page to view past blog posts incase you wish to curse me cumulatively ;) 

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