My meat is more tolerable than yours

Candid pic of Osmania University students busy outraging.Call now for organizing beef parties at your home.

Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here

Food is the basis for mankind's existence on the planet. It also that thing which human society deems ‘edible’ & ‘fresh’ by the mere sprinkling of few coriander leaves over it. In prehistoric times food consisted primarily of a mixture of wild dusty leaves & raw meat or as McDonald's calls it Chicken Salad.

Amidst the nationwide intolerance debate, Osmania University has vowed to make its little contribution by organizing a beef festival .Another student body within the same campus decided to launch a counter campaign by announcing a pork festival. Now it's a well-known fact that consumption of beef and pork is considered nothing short of a sin in Hindu & Muslim communities respectively.
Such acts would eventually cause communal conflicts.

Since the student bodies at Osmania University are on a religious sentiment hurting spree, let’s burn a few more bridges. Shall we?

Hey Osmania University kids,
#FunFact - Jain religion prohibits consumption of all kinds of meat, garlic, onions amongst other things. So here's hoping I am getting complimentary passes to your annual Chicken Adraki (Ginger Chicken) festival.

I believe the only time in pre independent India the beef controversy gained traction was during Mangal Pandey’s when the bullets were rumoured to be greased with pig & cow fat. Mangal Pandey felt scandalized indeed. It’s one of those anomalies to strike the face of earth like Mad Over Donuts serving motichur ladoo flavoured donuts.

I personally don't quite get the logic behind these all–you-can-eat buffet protests. Now if my local cinema chain doesn’t allow me to take home food inside the hall. It’s a set rule. I don’t think in this or an alternate universe, will I ever go and munch aloo parathas at the cinema entrance to mark my protest. There are better ways to address the matter. If one simply has to outrage to kill time, then outrage for the some worthy causes at least like poverty, illiteracy etc.

Both protests, be it the beef or pork one are equally pointless. By all means consume it in your house unless you happen to reside in states where its consumption is completely banned.

 Contrary to popular belief, the Gods above do not keep Microsoft Excel sheets tallying the number of times you ate what .So Jesus and Lord Krishna don’t go around exchanging KPI scores with each other-

Lord Krishna- “Bro, what if I told you I have 1.5 lakh sinners in food related offences this quarter”

Jesus-“ lol I guess it’s the right time for you to stop dreaming about your year end appraisals. Speaking of year end, my alcohol offences numbers are going to break all records this year. These Russians, I tell you never seem to get ‘enough’ of alcohol. My gun related sinner count grew marginally by 2% this quarter and according to my forecasts it will show a steady decline starting from the 2nd quarter of 2016. Anyways I will catch you later. I have a budget review session to attend.”

Unfortunately the beef festival did take place, but thanks to the heavy police force deployed on campus they could only cook it in their hostel rooms. Remember the last time you heard about hostel boys getting excited about cooking ? Ya, me neither.

Here’s hoping all the hostel kids learn some more dishes and consequently launch a swadeshi movement equivalent boycott of deplorable mess food served across hostels in India.

In conclusion, all I would like to say is that feel free to do whatever you want but just don’t get butter chicken in the midst of the debate. You see in Punjabi households like mine, intergalactic wars can get sparked off in the butter chicken supremacy debate. Till we meet again, Adios!

HOLY COW

Cows, or as you may know them as 'four legged bovine bundle of joy err gelatin' have enjoyed a formidable position in India since ages. They have been worshipped for being a source of life. Traditionally Hindu families kept a cow at home for dairy products etc. This was in the era where extended families living in huge bungalows were quite common and contrary to popular belief they did not sit at home all day long doing synchronized dance moves. Screw you, Sooraj Barjatiya.

People started moving into 'flats' or as Mumbaikers call it ’something a size bigger than jeans to fit my rear end in'. Keeping a cow home for fresh milk wasn't feasible at all, unless your claim to fame was to make it to the monthly building flat owner's association meeting where uncles with bald spots would scratch their armpits while debating over existential issues like the mystery of ‘drums of heaven’ bones in a 'vegetarians only' building . 

Milkmen introduced the coupon concept where you were supposed to hang a bag outside your door at night & keep printed coupons of the required number of milk packets you needed the next day in it. This within itself was such a great leveller of sorts.

Disclaimer- I did not settle scores with my landlord by tearing apart his milk coupons occasionally.

Cows have been in the limelight lately thanks to the recent beef ban. They have finally made it to primetime news for reasons other than munching plastic bags or getting abducted by aliens as pointed out so rightly by India TV.

A recent mandate demands that cattle owners submit mugshots of their cows and submit it to the nearest police station and furnish details of their distinctive features. I can totally imagine the kind of conversations that would take place-

“Saheb, my cow alters it's food chewing from 4 lightyears to 6 lightyears to signal an upcoming natural calamity.”

“Saheb, my cow tends to rotate it's tail in anti clockwise direction when humidity levels cross 40%.”

“Saheb, my cow has this fetish of pooping around luxury cars to bring about social equity.”

Recently an admit card issued by the Jammu & Kashmir examination board was in the news. Apparently someone had submitted a cow's picture & filled the online examination form. This incident indeed exposed the bureaucracy & inefficiency of the examining body. It’s cute how their standard operating procedures might change after this incident.

Step 1- Is the applicant's photo that of a homo sapien? If yes, move to the next     step

Step 2- Does the applicant have black pointy horns? If yes move to the next step

Step 3- Approve the application.

Step 4- Congrats! You just inadvertently sanctioned Batman's exam application. You're fired!

What I do admire about cows is their innate ability to not give a shit, no matter what hell breaks loose. Planet Earth can be taken over by extra-terrestrials and cows will still give you that blank stare.

Recently yet another visionary proclaimed that drinking milk from cows of foreign breeds could lead kids to do crime. Why milk only? Let’s revolt against American superheroes too. Even watching Batman could lead kids to do crime.  This allegation is as valid as 'making kids watch Shaktimaan could inspire them to actually achieve something in life unlike their superhero.' No offense, Shaktimaan.

I think it's fair that we let cows live in peace. Adios for now, as I am off to record navigation instructions for my GPS system with real time cow updates. Beat that Google maps!

"Cow approaching in 200 metres, brace for impact. Dodge the cow, dodge it's dung & land your tires into wet mud in the bargain. Realise the pointlessness of it all. Wipe a solitary tear pouring down your cheeks. Curse the universe. Drive ahead"