Social media Deconstructed - Part 1

Mankind has reached the stage of nirvana. We have started looking at the inner beauty of things. So it's but natural photographing  insects sitting on leaves with ultra zoom lenses became socially acceptable.Though photography page owners on Facebook you still disappoint me with no pics of cockroaches playing hide and seek on kitchen cutlery with  philosophical quotes like 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars' coz on an average day it's things like these that brighten up my morning.

1) Food -

Gone are the days when just clicking pics with Ronald McDonald abroad to show off to fellow indians back home was a moment of national pride.But globalization took over shortly and all big brands started coming in to Mother India.Before you could figure out what was happening they even came up with local variants McPaneer (coz calling it McWhiteFriedPiecesOfRubber would offend cows & indians but mostly the cows), McAlooTikki ( or as McDonald's describes it a mouth-watering potato patty infused with  Indian spices so scarce to find that the British would have ruled for 300 more years in India had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan )

Instagram took over mankind and newsfeeds got spammed left right and centre with pics of food. Each competing against one another.

'My Dal Makhni has more coriander leaves than yours.Fuck you! I win !

Pro tip- If your dish doesn't look good photogenic enough, garnish the hell out of it with whatever you find in the kitchen.This will serve 2 purposes

a) It will help camouflage your ugly looking dish.

b) It helps create a positive vibe amongst your guests who get deceived by the looks of it only to realize their folly shortly enough much like The Last Supper

(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like  'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )

Instagram coz eating eats unmelted ice cream is just too mainstream

There are some unsaid rules too.You are not a self respecting Indian in Canada if you don't get a pic clicked with a Tim Hortons coffee cup.Sometimes genuinely think if that is like one of the hidden immigration rules policy out there.

All thanks to this flood of food pics all 

over my newsfeed I have finally learned big big words which I shall try my level best to decipher for my readership.

Connoisseur- A fancy term used as a face saving device when food tastes raw.Coz you see calling a person halwai on his face is just too mainstream.

Gourmet- A very well thought drafted by the broke guys in the food industry  after collaborating with marketing guys to rip your wallets for serving the same food ofcourse with a touch of gourmet.......

Vada Pav- 15 Rs, Gourmet Vada Pav- 120 Rs

Green Salad - 30 Rs  ,Gourmet Green Salad tossed with cracked pepper with a tinge of lemon & tossed yet again this time with a dash of olive oil & farm fresh iceberg lettuce leaves greener than Hulk's rear end & juicy tomatoes so red in colour blood seems fake- Rs 150

Aficionado - Not gonna lie, googled the term to get the right spelling.According to the dictionary it means someone who is devoted to something which is totally kinda cool coz in daily life I go around telling people 'Yo bro , you are such a Shera Vali Maata aficionado'. & yes I am going to hell for trolling my own religion. You're welcome!

2) Health & wellness-

You can always depend on my fellow Punjabi clan to mince around with words. In your mom's  eyes you are never really fat, you are always 'healthy'.As a 'healthy' guy I find it very adorable Lee Cooper comes out with 'skinny' jeans in XL size.Makes you feel all the more loved right?

What pisses me off to the core is health related stuff flooding on my newsfeed/Twitter timeline.Shall share a few examples below to refresh your memory-

'Clocked in 40 min cardio , 33 min push ups & 20 min power jogging- Feeling refreshed'

'2 hours of 'Power' Yoga'- Feeling Rejuvenated
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)

'10 km early morning jog, muscles ache but I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep #100HealthyDays'

(Pro tip- No offense but I'd rather make some money throwing newspapers in people's balconies than running around for free. )

In all honesty I have burned more calories getting pissed off at your health related status updates than actually working out. When I had started going to the gym (somewhere around the time where Zumba was in trend which was quintessentially 'ameero ka bhangra' Translation- Bhangra for the elite' '

I had gone to the gym filled with optimism and expected to see hot babes sweating & having ice cool lemonade you know like the kinds they show in movies. But I was betrayed............. all I got to see was uncles wearing shiny neon green vests with fat hairy thighs moving around in shorts desperately trying to add to the sensuality & oomph factor in the gym premises.Clearly it was the darkest day 

in the history of my life, so much so that I gave up on the concept of fitness all together.

Day 1- An average next door blonde chick (Nope not talking of my locality.I am cursed by the stars u see).
Day 90- A sturdy Haryanvi Jaat JUST in 3 months!  #ReasonEnough2AvoidGym

Please for heaven sake don't take selfies at your marathon runs or gyms and upload them online.My immediate psychological reaction to that is almost like the puja ki thali dropping scene in bollywood films, the only difference being that I drop my nacho in my cheese dip and let it lie there drowned in the sea of cheddar cheese calories. #StillAMoreHeartWarmingStoryThanTitanic

Having 'sweated' it out on speed -2 on the treadmill I must admit I kinda find it idiotic to see those silly blinking LED completing a circle on the screen as you slog it out. What I would personally find more motivational is that the LEDs blink slowly and soon enough form the shape of a kachori or samosa as you keep jogging. And in the end when you have accomplished your goal of running a few hours on the treadmill the screen ought to read 'You just burned enough calories for a mere lil aloo pakoda, start again' *facepalm*

More often than not you see pics being uploaded with people wearing full on gym gear, with all those Adidas sweat bands, Nike cross fit shoes etc  which is kinda totally cool considering you are gonna spend time staring at your mobile screen while your Pomerian jogs on your behalf on the treadmill.Congrats, you totally nailed it!

That's all for now. Thanks for being patient enough to read this long post before burning my effigies on the road. Do make it a point to share/spam this article on the walls of your fitness freak/ instagram food enthusiast friends by clicking the icons below. Shall be continuing with my thoughts on this social media series.Till we meet again Adios! 

McDonald’s to pay heavy compensation to lady for delivering the wrong burger

The root cause of trouble

In a recent case of negligence fast food giant McDonald’s delivered the wrong burger to Ms Gupta. Ms Gupta narrated the whole story to us and was kind enough to serve us expired Rooh Afzah while we gave her a patient hearing:

“I had returned late from office & was too tired to cook. so I had ordered a Mc Aloo tikki burger meal on the phone. I am a staunch vegetarian so I never consume any of their non veg items. In about 45 mins the delivery boy rang my bell. I paid the bill and when I opened the box I was shocked to find a huge burger. It had not 1 but 2 tikkis in it!”

“I was so shocked that I decided that I will surely sue them for this fault!”“Since I was too hungry I just opened the paper wrapping & started eating it like a famished kid. I must admit that it was QUITE large than it usually is. And hell yeah !! It did taste a lot better than before. In fact it was a challenge even biting the burger.For some strange reason the tikkis were succulent, soft & didn’t taste like the ordinary ones. After finishing my burger I was just munching a lettuce leaf that had fallen on my plate when I noticed the non-veg sign on the wrapper!”

“I am a very religious person. I immediately called up my pundit for consultation and he said for this sin I will have to feed a cow grass for the next 8 months every morning at 11:35 sharp. Now I am in a big dilemma coz I can’t really take a cow with me to my MNC office campus in Gurgaon to feed it. You know it looks kinda awkward. After some intense negotiations with my pundit I have finally worked out a way to accomplish this task,” she came up with more details.”

“My maid will feed the cow on my behalf and I will sit in my office and watch the live stream & say soothing words to the cow through Skype.  Brilliant idea right???”"

Reporter- Ya absolutely ma’am.!! Infact calling it brilliant would be an understatement , it’s simply revolutionary.I am sure the founders of Skype will be very proud of you today.

Our source Mr Khoofia Khabri on the condition of anonymity described the court scene a lil bit-

McD lawyer- We gave you a Mc Maharaja burger at the price of a Mc Aloo tikki.Instead of being grateful to us, you filed a court case against us.

Ms Gupta- See judge sahib they want to take advantage of my ignorance.

McD lawyer -Holy shit!! how can u realize that it was non veg AFTER eating the whole burger up?

Ms Gupta- No, no nothing doing.It’s your fault pay up.My cousin who lives in the Amreeka also sued her local pizza outlet for giving 1 sachet of oregano seasoning instead of 2.The pizza outlet had to pay her a hefty compensation for this mistake.

McD lawyer- My lord the lady doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Judge- LOL! I dare you to say that to your wife. I will be more than happy to judge your divorce case.

Ms Gupta – This is the problem nobody understands the emotional , sociological, psychological problems suffered by me. after consuming the non veg burger

McD lawyer- Bitch plz!! I saw u googling these words on your laptop before the court session

Judge- After hearing the pleas of both parties I have come to the conclusion that McDonalds will have to pay up a GRAND sum of Rs 15000 to Ms Gupta for this grave error on your part. This is in accordance with the consumer protection act laws. & now time for my random insignificant quote of the day                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “Ladies and gentlemen as u can see everyone is equal in the eyes of law. Whether u are a douchebag or not”

After winning the court case Ms Gupta was seen partying & enjoying Butter chicken with her friends at Pappu da dhaba.

Reporter- Ma’am but we thought you were veg?

Ms Gupta- Ya ur right.I WAS veg.

Reporter – So aren’t you feeling guilty after consuming non veg??

Ms Gupta sarcastically remarked- Oh no not at all.Infact I’m lovin it !! 

Disclaimer- The above article is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author is kinda veg on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Mondays due to religious reasons & is kinda non veg on the other days of the week. The author admires the whole concept of vegetarianism and personally adores the brave people who defy all odds & end up ordering Paneer roll in KFC while their friends gobble down a few KFC chicken buckets sitting right in front of them.