Ghajini Decoded

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The story keeps revolving back and forth to Aamir’s past and present. He is diagnosed with short term memory loss. He seeks to take revenge against the killers of his lady love, Kalpana (Asin).

Needless to say, things get violent as time passes.

He is Mr Perfectionist indeed. The way he adjusts the corpse of his assailant to get a perfect shot is remarkable.

Kalpana (Asin) is a happy go lucky girl working at an ad agency as a model. Throughout the film she is portrayed as 2^nd in running to Mother Teresa.

Kalpana spreads a false rumour that she is dating tycoon Sanjay at the request of her manager. This rumour doesn’t come to light till the end as ‘nobody’ has seen Sanjay since he was in USA This is an idiotic logic to give but I shall be generous enough to give benefit of doubt to the scriptwriters. So let’s just assume that pigeons and smoke signals were the only way of communicating with the outer world. Sanjay acts as a struggling model in front of her & they both fall in love soon after.

Sunita (Jiah Khan) plays the role of an overenthusiastic medical student who spooks out patients for an adrenaline rush.

Sanjay, when not adoring his tattoos is usually busy beating the shit out of malnourished goons.

Ghajini is the owner of a big shot pharmaceutical company and the prime villain of this story.

                               

Sanjay opens an orphanage in Kalpana’s name and gets back to his routine life.

THE IIPM STORY-Moving towards excellence 1 pony tail at a time

         

IIPM's contribution to the Indian education system has been praised by one and all across the country. It has been winning numerous awards for the best B school in International exposure (all thanks to the free high speed WiFi which gives students access to unlimited downloads of  foreign adult films)

IIPM has maintained it's quality standards all thanks to it's stringent application process which requires prospective candidates to list down all their family assets like Audi, BMW, sea facing villas, plots ,farms & cows etc. Only the richest can make it through.

When it comes to fooling the nation, it's an art that IIPM has pioneered .               

"Pay 12 Lakhs and get a Rs 16000 worth laptop FREE" are just some of the lucrative deals that are up for grabs.

Recently The Hindu newspaper declared IIPM as the 'B school with a human face'.

Vipul an IAS aspirant from Bihar was taken aback after reading an article in The Hindu which declared IIPM as the B school with a human face. He said "I immediately decided that MBA would be the right choice for me .I come from a very humble background & the fees at IIPM is way beyond my means so I have mortgaged my buffalo & household tractor to get a loan. Their ads in the newspaper have always attracted me , especially the part where they highlight "world class faculty from Harvard, Stanford etc" whose font size is the biggest in the whole ad. I am grateful to this college for reminding every Indian 365 days of  the year as to how the  IITs & IIMs do not contribute anything to the nation's development & that IIPM is the only college that is patriotic enough to give back to the society. "

As soon as Mr Arindam got news that his college was awarded with this new honour within  a few minutes he updated his Facebook status  "OMG ! OMG ! OMG ! IIPM ranks the charts yet again. The Hindu newspaper just declared our college as the 'B school with a human face '. Never really expected this to happen." Comments like "WTF,WTH, R U SERIOUS?? & BITCH PLEASE !!"  were found in most frequency. Oblivious to these encouraging comments this status update was 'liked' by numerous IIPM students who were warned that if they didn't 'like' his status update they shall face serious consequences (ie their much acclaimed laptops shall be snatched away from & their internet browsing history would be made public).

When asked a former IIPM student he replied "Everyone is simply jealous of us & our laptops!! I agree that our IQs are low but that does not mean that our ambitions are not high. Let me get this clear ok?? We are still in heavy demand in the corporate world..........(35 sec pause)........Seriously yaar!! Believe me,Why would I lie?? Maa Kasam"

IIPM recently has done a strategic tie up with NASA to send it's students to Mars for conducting a global threats and opportunity analysis (GOTA) on the effects of playing Punjabi pop star Mika Singh's debut song  "Saavan Mein lag gayi Aag!!" out there & making the aliens extinct in their own planet.

Marketing maverick Arin(damn)  Chaudhuri has recently changed the IIPM tagline to "Dare to think beyond the Humans!!"

If rumours are to be believed another book called "Looting aliens, the human way!!" is all set to be released by Mr Arindam shortly.      

Placement head Mr Ghosh said "It's nice to be awarded the B school with a human face.People are finally recognizing that our colleges also exist in the market.We offer placement to 99% people within our campus itself.Depending on their skills they are given critical roles within our institute like security,canteen, cleanliness etc .  However 1% students do betray us and take up a job @ that tea stall outside our campus.I hate that tea stall owner.Loser is attracting invaluable human capital to his business by luring them with iPads.Hope they keep the IIPM flag flying high"
 

A professor at IIM Ahmedabad said "Nice work Arindam!! Hope u guys bag the award for the B school with human brains too!! I wish u well in all your misfortunes"

DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of pure fiction and is meant to be taken in good humour. Unlike all the other news pieces of IIPM that you may have read, I have NOT been paid for this one. sob sob :( :( . Needless to say I am not an alumni of the institute .Which I do believe shall count as one of the reasons my whole dynasty would be proud of me.Plz note- This article is completely FAKE and any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.


Do check my other humour articles too Click Here

BOLLYWOOD UNCUT

Indian Cinema has left a profound impact on me. I have started believing the unbelievable. I don’t question the protagonist’s physical strength anymore as he tries to battle with a 100 or more villains double his size with absolute perfection and gets away with a few minor scratches. I can predict the plot of the film with 99% perfection (or maybe 99.28% to be more precise) after enduring the first five minutes of the film.

A typical Indian movie will start like every other movie by naming most of the culprits who are behind this film just incase u want to appreciate their efforts by shooting them down after watching the film. Come on we live in a free country where we enjoy right to speech (whether your audience is sleeping or awake), right to education (often terminated by failing you in Maths), right to practice any profession (kidnapping included),right to shoot @ sight (k got to clarify this one.)

Then we have the Censor Board certificate with miniscule writing which for some strange reasons is a document that the audience tries it's level best to read every word written with great curiosity as if it’s Bill Gates will that is presented on the 360 mm wide screen. Mentally they get to divide his fortune worth billions amongst themselves. Must admit it’s quite a good feeling especially when you have recovery agents of all possible banks in existence or (moving out of existence in the financial crises) chasing you from one street to another making you appear as a regular cross country marathon runner.

Indian movies are flamboyant in every respect .Everything is king size be it their beds, homes or even their families. The hero is always either ultra-rich or ultra-poor. We love breaking into impromptu dances be it on weddings or funerals. If it’s a foreign location where our song is being shot the urge to dance at public spots simply multiplies. Critics might call it the spread of Indian culture but for me it is simply insanity glorified.

The spectacular part about our movies is that they are twice the length of Hollywood movies with half the content. The interval serves as a good reason to crib about the film and consume double the popcorn in anticipation of the other half & a short trip to the loo with long queues at the urinal and the refreshing sounds of the flush in the background. ;)

Our heroes are true heroes in every respect. No matter how many bullets pierce through their skin they won’t die before finishing their dialogue. The heroines are the delicate darlings who besides staring at the mirror and perpetually admiring their beauty can occasionally be seen running around trees and bush seeking eco-friendly private spots. Contrary to popular belief it is always the vamp lady that ends up uniting the whole family to seek vengeance against her.

The villains are the best and most disciplined ones. They are quite cooperative and choose to come only one by one to confront the hero while the rest form a circle and get busy giving angry looks on their face. As soon as they get beaten one each one goes to some extreme corner and lie down wriggling in pain. So you see it’s good to be bad in our films.

Horror stories are equally bizarre .Don’t be surprised if you see people coming out laughing after seeing a horror movie .The horror element consists of possibly a few body parts lying split around here and there and not to forget the weird noises in the background much to the delight of the almost tone deaf audience whose ears have endured the likes of Himesh Reshammiya!! The Laughing Messiah Productions salutes these brave souls.

I have had my share of fame way back in childhood when I got a lot of critical acclaim for playing the role of a tree in a play in kindergarten. My role was to just keep my mouth shut and stay in my costume praying for the play to end fast enough before I wet my pants. Needless to say my career graph in acting suffered a lot and the inner actor in me came alive only when my Maths marks were declared during high school and I had to shed a few tears at home to express my grief at my marks while being excited at the prospects of a sumptuous meal to follow.

Indian cinema has gained immense popularity overseas for unknown reasons.According to me it's because-

a) Foreigners have not come across any of Chunky Pandey’s films as yet otherwise a global boycott of Indian cinema was inevitable.

b) Govinda’s dance moves have inspired millions to abandon dancing all together.

c)  Audiences feel that it's their moral responsibility to go and watch Uday Chopra's movies  as a mark of   respect to his dad for giving innumerable blockbuster hits.

d) Katrina Kaif is getting hotter than the whole Torrid Zone put together.

e) SRK's romantic dialogues are the cause of numerous break ups world wide.
"Tum toh SRK ke dialogues hi copy kar sakte ho, uski tarah romance nahi kar sakte.Get lost.I don't need u any more!!"

f) Hollywood films don't always come with happy endings.

Signing out before I start receiving the "critic of the year" award (if something like that exists on our planet)!!