E-commerce saves the day

It's  been long since mankind discovered fire by rubbing stones together.Which was proof enough of the depths fellow homo sapiens could go to smoke weed. Cleverly they camouflaged it in history textbooks  with scholarly theories of how it was discovered as a means of 'protection & keeping warm' & not to forget lavish barbeque spreads. Still believe many gujjus are busy lighting fire with stones to save electricity bills.

We have managed to transform since that age.Technological advancement has helped us answer many real world challenges like broadcasting to the world & outer world every 2.5 mins that you are sitting in the business class lounge of an airline  or be it instagramming that dal fry you made after worshiping Sanjeev Kapoor & his clan (for bringing out fancy names like Lauki Quesadillas to stuff down Indian throats) & after a dozen hashtags uploaded it on Facebook  #homemade #cooking #shooking  #desi #fun  #OMG-My-mom- might-just-marry- me-off-to-someone-for-making-this  which you eventually threw down the bin  because it tasted less of dal and more of disappointment.

E-commerce is something that surrounds us in totality.Everything is going 'e'.  

I don't know but on all occasions like New Year ,birthdays etc I get spammed with emails in my inbox trying to prick on my emotions and force me to send gifts to relatives that meet me once every 2 decades only to come out with  philosophical lines such as  "Beta, you have grown so old . You remember the last time I met you failed to recognize all body parts and hence almost got disowned by your parents for humiliating them in front of all other family members?"

(Fun Facts- In India it is a common household tradition to entertain your guests by testing your infant kid's IQ level by asking simple questions like Beta where is your nose?, Beta,show aunty your atrioventricular valve?)

 

And all this while you thought posing with eyes filled up with truckloads of kajal was the only humble duty of Indian infants

I don't know what's wrong with Indian web portals but since when did we Indians start celebrating Thanksgiving Day. The closest form of Thanksgiving celebrated in India is possibly when you pass on your unwanted gifts to your loved ones (fondly known as near & dear ones to express your fake affection) & receive their unwanted gifts in return on Diwali.This never ending cycle of 'love' continues till one fine day someone walks into the other ones Diwali party and humbly proclaims that dahi vadas were hard & thereby face a  Swadeshi movement equivalent boycott at all future Diwali parties.      

(Desi Pro tip #42-Abuse us,abuse our clan, abuse our gods, but do not fuckin pass comments on the softness of our dahi vadas or idlis)

Feelings ought to be genuine. Shopping should remain a very personal experience.

Instead of the clichéd  lines like 'users also bought  the following products',  would love to see pop up windows like 'Mrs Gupta next door also chose to trade her mother in law's kidneys for the following products '

or maybe

'This New Year make a refreshing start, Gift a comode to your loved ones' (#ShitJustGotReal) 

Needless to say my marketing skills could never be utilized for the world's greater good. :( :'(

Cash on Delivery concept is one big boon to India considering the Indian need for fighting tooth and nail negotiating a product's price to the lowest rates for an hour & finally not even buying it & justifying it with excuses like 'Iska rang thoda gaudy hai'.And all this while you were under the false illusion that the 4 Ps of marketing concept was all encompassing & took Indian aunties into consideration.

 The last time India lost it's collective shit online was on the IRCTC website which besides helping you book your railway tickets online also gave you a chance time travel till the time you reached the payment screen.

 Nowadays we have Domino's online pizza ordering service where you can actually track your pizza order in real time which so uber cool. You can track your order right from the time they place toppings on hard as steel pizza base till it's out from the oven partially burnt or as the marketing whiz kids call it 'barbecued Mexican Old style' pizza.  As an Indian it fills me with immense pride indeed when I ping  the website to get my estimated delivery time only to get a 'ladka nikal gaya hai' message flash on my laptop screen in bold letters.Sincerely believe that one day I would become a millionaire after hoarding all those oregano seasonings & chilli flakes sachets over the years.

Like it or not e-commerce is here to stay.

Spending the rest of the year starting my online bootlegging business in Gujarat region.As Batman would put 'Gotham err Gujarat needs me '
Till we meet again Adios!!

BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)

Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').

                                                                    

Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-

Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "

Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.

A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "

The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.

Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?

6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd

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