Eat,Pray & Procrastinate!

So the year 2017 is finally here. Statistically speaking it's just matter of time before fellow mortals start predicting about the end of Earth this year on Nostradamus' behalf. There is something very magical about reminiscing your screw ups of the year that went by and speculating your future ones parallely.

Like most people even I am quite curious about the year ahead and some rather deep questions do plague my mind like-

Is Putin going to tear apart a lion's jaws with his bare hands on national television?

Will PM Modi waltz with Donald Trump to easen out H-1B visa regulations for Indian techies?

For once will Queen Elizabeth's public appearance not make media headlines like it was Jesus' second coming or something.

January is also the month of great introspection indeed where people make resolutions which is a universally accepted way to fool your mind. I

personally admire people who declare their resolutions on social media. It makes complete sense indeed. After all why simply make do with just a personal failure when you can add the spice of public humiliation to go along with it.

It's only a matter of time before it becomes a contest between whose resolution is more ambitious. Now ambition I believe is a good thing, especially when you are trying to defy the centre of gravity while loading up your salad plate at Pizza Hut.

With the new year comes new aspirations, be it career or personal. Recently I happened to come across a video of a girl who shot to fame for smashing her face into different types of breads with utmost dedication and has garnered millions of viewers across the globe. I would not be surprised if she bags an endorsement deal by Subway soon to further promote their empire built on providing junk food for cows. Quite a niche target audience indeed by all counts. This video almost put me into an existential crises. Why work in 8 hour shifts when you can make a killing by simply smashing your face into food.

Like every new year, I love checking out my annual horoscope. Over the years I have developed the wisdom to always check out my horoscope from a minimum of 10 websites and carefully cherry pick the most favourable points in each to form an opinion. The world is a cruel place indeed and god forbid if you happen to have a chinese zodiac sign of a goat. So I get directed to articles revolving around goats with titles such as (in increasing order of embarrassment)-

-Goat's love prospects for 2017.

-Things that should be avoided by goats.
 (Fun fact-Contrary to public perception, it's not Eid, but rather a collection of unlucky dates, colours etc.)

-What type of goat are you?

Here's hoping the year ahead turns out well for you. Unless of course you are off to carve a career path for yourself by smashing your face into assorted well buttered parathas, in which case you have just found your new competitor. Good Luck. May the best man win.

Adios 2014 !!

Shall come up with a new Spanish synonym by next year #kthnxbye

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group- Click Here)

Like all fellow mortals had to succumb to social pressure to put this lousy pic with an optimistic message to give you yet another reason to vomit all over the club in the New Year's bash

WHY? HOW? WTF? I have not even met half of my annual weight loss target.

Incase these are the kind of questions popping up in your mind. Worry not, we're here to help you. It's that time of the year when columnists shall advise their readers on one of the following topics-

a) How to spend the holidays with your loved ones?

b) How to give indirect signals to your loved ones that the 52 piece cutlery set gifted by them for your home is too lavish for its inhabitants namely you & your pomerian.

c) How to gun down the 'we were just passing by your place, so thought we will drop in' kinda guests ?

d) How to camouflage yourself in the numerous facebook status updates & check ins popping up every milliseconds while not celebrating anything.

Pardon me I shall not be able to offer any scholarly responses on the above.

This happens to be that time of the year where you are bombarded with posters all around you like-  

'NEW YRZ  BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS AKA BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE & THARKIS.FREE FISTFIGHTS & 1 LONELY ABDUCTED FIRANG FOR 'INTERNATIONAL FEEL'. BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800-AUNTYPOLICEBULALEGI '
 

December is also the month where homo sapiens use their collective intellectual energies to reminiscence & remind each other of  the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1 -"Hey did you see that video of that dog pushing a cat in the bathtub video.Fuckin awesome bro!"

Guy 2 -  "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower.So awwwww worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 1- "Chal ,chal. Let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh & that Sardar Naagin dance video too."

Now 2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to watch Modiji's receding hairline more than their wife's facial wrinkles. Which is really not a bad deal if you ask me. This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest bumping Arnab Goswami.

Bollywood gave us many profound films this year,

Jai Ho- A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi level chain of good deed doers. Before you know it they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties boasting about their body pains to each other with immense competitive spirit.

A candid pic of Lord SRK & the gorgeous Deepika Padukone hanging around with some struggling actors in the Bollywood flick 'Happy New Year'

Now that I have covered both SRK's & Bhai's film I shall be saved from hate mails unless Jacky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus & die of blood loss consequently.

Speaking of  world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, as a nation we were busy passionately speculating the no of starters at Arpita Khan's wedding.

ALS Ice bucket challenge.Water conservation? WTF does that even mean?

A global trend known as 'ALS Ice bucket challenge' hit social media by storm. This was the time where hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival food waste joint hands together to waste other precious resources ie water.         

"How can you waste rotten tomatoes man? Make Sev Tamatar subzi bro"

Definition-  'Sev Tamatar '- An authentic gujju recipe invented by visionaries in their quest to find some meaning to life in a world void of Tandoori chicken & Reshami kebabs owing to religious concerns.

In other news, little did scientists know that their state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways such as capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red handed.  #true story

Please do maintain safe distance from people whose main New Year plan is pretty much asking other people about their New Year plans.

This is a unique breed of species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles for the holidays while you are still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must reply to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

#ProTip- Machu Picchu is a good reply to shut their mouths & prevent any further interrogation by them considering the prevailing low geographical skills amongst the masses.

That's all for now. Till we meet again next year I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of  2.5 readers & by Valentine's day 2015 might even develop a long distance relationship with them. Beware  :P