Cucumber & tears- An insider's guide to fitness

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)

Like many mortals, this year, I too decided to take the plunge into the world of fitness. Not so long ago, manoeuvring the blanket using only my legs to reach a cosy position pretty much represented the pinnacle of human fitness for me. However, like most things in life, I was wrong about this one too.

The universe had conspired against me. My doctor and family members all held the opinion that diet control and weight loss were the need of the hour.

One evening, when my roommate and I were shopping for groceries and simultaneously debating which oat cereal looked more disappointing, he happened to utter the damned B-word.

Yes, you read it right: brown rice. A Punjabi aunty happened to be eavesdropping over our conversation and thought it her moral responsibility to show two misled obese millennials the path towards enlightenment aka brown rice.

Besides, she also effortlessly rattled away about some brown rice recipes. Call it inherent Punjabi love, but had we stood there with the same hopeless looks in our eyes for a minute more, she would have indeed called us for dinner and, later, maybe adopted us too.

After much delay, I finally joined the gym. I distinctly remember the first day at the gym where my trainer handed me a barbell stick without any weights on it. Call it my innocence, but I gave it back candidly, saying, “I am not into body building” just like one would say, “I am into biographies not fiction.”

It earned me a blank stare from my trainer, who instructed me to do shoulder exercises using the stick. It does feel humiliating to practise with a stick when people around you are weightlifting. Nonetheless, there is always a silver lining you know. At least my trainer didn’t tell me to do a pole dance for the collective amusement of the other gym members.

Which, come to think of it, is not a bad idea: to punish people who don’t lose weight in a few months, with a compulsory once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pole dance to glory. I never thought I would ever say this, but the gym is a great place indeed for the sheer assortment of fellow human species you get to witness.

For example, one of the guys at the gym who would easily qualify as the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Great Khali, has this unique quality of shouting "finish" after every exercise set, just that he yells it out in Dolby Digital surround sound so the whole gym knows the progress he has made.

Call it inferiority complex, but I don’t understand why only people doing body building get the privilege of grunting.

An egalitarian society is one where everyone gets equal rights to grunt in the gym even if you are trudging along on the treadmill at speed level two. No offence. #MakeIndiaGruntAgain

It didn’t take me long enough to understand the core responsibility of trainers in this gym ecosystem:

a) Giving undivided attention only to women.

b) Going up to the mirror and smiling while staring at your biceps precisely every 15 minutes.

Now don’t get me wrong. Self-adulation is a good thing, especially if you have done something great in your life.

You know like giving your country independence from foreign rule or maybe eradicating apartheid in South Africa. However, narcissism for simply lifting dumbbells for a long time doesn’t make sense.

Once you get into the fitness mode, things change indeed. Deep within, I feel I am cheating my neighbourhood snack vendor as my daily evening visits have been converted to fortnightly ones.

When he asks where I have been all these days, I need to come up with impromptu excuses like travelling, work pressure et al. And what do I get in return after living this dual life — cucumber, carrots and broccoli.

Till we meet again, I am off to pen my first novel “The 7 habits of highly effective procrastinators”.

Is it Santa Claus or I-T officer? Demonetisation has changed my life

(Article written exclusively for India Today -Click Here)

It was an ordinary Tuesday night for me last week. My mind was confused as to what lay ahead. No, my confusion wasn’t between Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, but more existential choices like butter chicken or kadhai chicken.

As a nation we were engrossed with the US presidential elections and boy! wasn’t it fun watching one of the most powerful nations on our planet racing towards its own ruin.

All of a sudden media channels shifted focus to PM Narendra Modi’s live speech about currency demonetisation.

Modi shocked the nation by announcing that Rs 500 and Rs 1,000 notes would no longer be legal tender post-midnight. This was indeed a very bold move to curb corruption and black money.

The message by the government was loud and clear, that if in all these years you have not yet spent a bomb to build an ugly Antilla equivalent for your posterity, then it's too late now. Your kids will need to find alternative ways to embarrass themselves.

I believe that as a token of appreciation for hoarding so much money over the years, it's high time that the government gifted each black money hoarder a cash counting machine at least. It is literally the most adorable way to feel poor.

Amid the long bank queues to get notes exchanged, we have people like Rahul Gandhi, too, who nowadays bears an uncanny resemblance to Varun Dhawan in the Badlapur flick. It's always a comforting feeling having your friendly neighbourhood assassin in the same queue as you.

If the selfies with the new Rs 2,000 notes were not enough, people have gone the extra mile to test its water resistance, crush resistance and perhaps even its sword-shielding abilities.

Now I am not surprised by this considering that the internet has even tested an iPhone by boiling it in Coca Cola. The internet never disappoints, as clearly an iPhone's natural habitat has to be in a pan filled with boiling carbonated sugar water.

It's great how the government impoverished so many money hoarders  overnight. It's just a matter of time till we see courses popping up across India, training former elite people on adjusting to their newly acquired middle class life.

The government will even keep a track of the money exchanged and compare it to every individual's tax return filed to spot any discrepancies. This will indeed increase transparency but will also cause widespread mistrust.

To the extent, I can't even trust Santa this Christmas. For all you know, he may be a tax officer in disguise waiting to penalise me for any unaccounted candies consumed during the year.

I love how as a nation we came about with some rather creative ways to sabotage the move, right from paying salaries in advance to even buying costly air tickets with a view to cancel them subsequently.

People are willing to do any large purchase from any shop accepting old notes as payments. So one is faced with rather deep questions like:

Do I need a second full size wooden dining table in my drawing room? Maybe no.

But do I want to have the option to dine on different tables every alternate day? Oh, yes I do.

This is pretty much the mood of the nation, where countless people are stuck with their old notes and at the same time have limited access to new ones.

Here's hoping some good comes out of this demonetisation drive and eventually Paytm even gives cash back on bribes paid.

The Laughing Messiah Podcast Episode#2 Mumbai Nostalgia

This week I talk about the Mumbai airport, Indian hospitality and wifi obsessed rats.BONUS- billion dollar start up ideas included too :P
(P.S Mobile listeners click the below link & select 'listen in browser' button to save yourself the pain of downloading the app.)

A beginner's guide to the Indian Budget 2016

(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)

It was that day of the year yesterday. I mean February 29, which comes once in every four years. It is quite literally the Uday Chopra of the Gregorian calendar. You know it's going to strike you and yet there's nothing you can do to prevent it.

Besides this, there were other matters of global prominence too, namely, the Oscars and "OMG, OMG Priyanka Chopra exhaling carbon dioxide at the Oscars." This comes as a bit of a surprise, as Indian emotions in general about American matters are pretty limited to whether or not American customs will allow you to take mango pickle into the country.

However yesterday was also Budget Day in India, or as I would like to call it, the "annual CA planetary relevance reminder". Now Budget speeches are way too boring and require endurance to watch from start to finish. Especially when Indian audiences are accustomed to the "WWE Hell in the Cell" theatrics, which are quite a common sight on an average day in the Parliament.

Budget speeches are filled with way too much of financial jargon for the common man to comprehend. Allow me to, then, put my knowledge of accountancy to some good public use finally and gain some karmic brownie points in the bargain. Trust me, you're in safe hands... well almost!

The budget session of the Parliament started as always with the finance minister posing in front of the press with an age-old briefcase which is supposed to contain the well-guarded Budget papers. In an alternate universe, in case I do get selected for this coveted post, I would love to just open a briefcase full of samosas and kachoris on Budget Day simply to troll the photographers.

The standard operating procedures are pretty simple. News channels across the nation stream Budget updates live and citizens are supposed to act shocked and traumatised over every other announcement as if they didn't know the Budget was going to screw them up eventually. It's like walking into a Barbecue Nation outlet for dinner and getting stunned by diarrhoea next morning.

While hogging away a year worth of calories in one meal, deep within, you knew very well that things won't go too well next morning, but you still carried on shamelessly. Coincidentally, this is how the government works too. When you splurge a bit too much, you need to unload a fraction of your wealth to the government coffers too.

The trauma is usually accompanied by choicest slur words aimed at ministers and their posterity.

Cigarette prices have been raised to promote cohesion amongst teenage addicts and also to teach them the importance of sharing, be it the lunch box or their packet of Gold Flake. Movie tickets are also going to cost more shortly, which is a subtle way of saying 

"Hey, who the f**k are you to enjoy simple pleasures in life, that too in Dolby Digital Surround Sound, when the movie is going to come up on TV two months down the line?"

Electronic items would get costlier so you might not want to sever ties with your foreign-based relatives even though they usurped all your ancestral property. Branded garments will attract higher excise duties thus giving snobbish kids more things to brag about, besides their cars, houses and that De Beers diamond necklace which coincidentally happens to come with a loving and caring mom attached to it. You see, on a scale of priorities, human emotions come after materialistic possessions for this breed.

Start-ups formed between April 2016 and March 2019 shall enjoy a tax break for three years unless they make a viral YouTube web series midway chronicling their struggles, in which case, they shall get rewarded with a cameo by none other than Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

Provident funds, that is, the last hope of social security for the salaried class shall become taxable soon. Bet the conversation between a middle class person and a government employee would be as follows:

Middle class guy: "Hey, you can't just tax my whole life's savings, that too when I am about to retire!"

Government guy: "Don't get so emotional. At least you didn't get rammed and killed by the SUV of a drunk celebrity. Isn't that enough mental relief?"

Middle class guy: "Boss, what about my social security?"

Government guy: "You know you could have been struck down by lightening, floods, lamp posts falling, open sewers, what not. India offers some highly creative ways to get killed. Count your blessings."

Middle class guy: "What the..."

Government guy: "Bloody greedy guy you are!"

Telephone bills shall get higher owing to increased telecom spectrum rates. So just in case you're looking around for a credible reason to snap out of your long distance relationship, this is a godsend opportunity indeed.

Food outings at restaurants shall cost more owing to higher service tax which shall inevitably cause a sharp rise of a new breed of foodies who shall overnight discover their passion for street food at roadside stalls.

SUVs shall attract a cess of four per cent from henceforth. However, vehicles registered as ambulances and used solely as ambulances shall be exempt from cess. So just in case you have a habit of going to parties in ambulances, blasting "To Brazil" by Vengaboys on full volume,

a) You are an a**hole indeed!

b) You will have to pay taxes to pursue this noble hobby of yours.

The government is also offering a four-month compliance window for domestic black money holders to search deep within their soul for finding out any last few shreds of morality.

Last, but not the least, here are a few terms for your reference. It's strongly recommended that you use them to sound wise in any conversations remotely revolving around the topic of the Budget.

1. Crony capitalism.

2. Dampened spirits.

3. Creditable credit.

4. Transgressors (a "cooler" synonym for violators).

5. Fiscal deficit target.

6. Financial rationalisation.

Yes, you're welcome!

Here's hoping that we have a prosperous year ahead and also that we get the opportunity to time travel in the future just to see if our green cards get approved or not.

Disclaimer: Do not take any financial or personal decisions on the basis of the article above. Just in case you do, feel free to mail me as to how horribly wrong it went. I might just get some material for my next column.

My meat is more tolerable than yours

Candid pic of Osmania University students busy outraging.Call now for organizing beef parties at your home.

Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here

Food is the basis for mankind's existence on the planet. It also that thing which human society deems ‘edible’ & ‘fresh’ by the mere sprinkling of few coriander leaves over it. In prehistoric times food consisted primarily of a mixture of wild dusty leaves & raw meat or as McDonald's calls it Chicken Salad.

Amidst the nationwide intolerance debate, Osmania University has vowed to make its little contribution by organizing a beef festival .Another student body within the same campus decided to launch a counter campaign by announcing a pork festival. Now it's a well-known fact that consumption of beef and pork is considered nothing short of a sin in Hindu & Muslim communities respectively.
Such acts would eventually cause communal conflicts.

Since the student bodies at Osmania University are on a religious sentiment hurting spree, let’s burn a few more bridges. Shall we?

Hey Osmania University kids,
#FunFact - Jain religion prohibits consumption of all kinds of meat, garlic, onions amongst other things. So here's hoping I am getting complimentary passes to your annual Chicken Adraki (Ginger Chicken) festival.

I believe the only time in pre independent India the beef controversy gained traction was during Mangal Pandey’s when the bullets were rumoured to be greased with pig & cow fat. Mangal Pandey felt scandalized indeed. It’s one of those anomalies to strike the face of earth like Mad Over Donuts serving motichur ladoo flavoured donuts.

I personally don't quite get the logic behind these all–you-can-eat buffet protests. Now if my local cinema chain doesn’t allow me to take home food inside the hall. It’s a set rule. I don’t think in this or an alternate universe, will I ever go and munch aloo parathas at the cinema entrance to mark my protest. There are better ways to address the matter. If one simply has to outrage to kill time, then outrage for the some worthy causes at least like poverty, illiteracy etc.

Both protests, be it the beef or pork one are equally pointless. By all means consume it in your house unless you happen to reside in states where its consumption is completely banned.

 Contrary to popular belief, the Gods above do not keep Microsoft Excel sheets tallying the number of times you ate what .So Jesus and Lord Krishna don’t go around exchanging KPI scores with each other-

Lord Krishna- “Bro, what if I told you I have 1.5 lakh sinners in food related offences this quarter”

Jesus-“ lol I guess it’s the right time for you to stop dreaming about your year end appraisals. Speaking of year end, my alcohol offences numbers are going to break all records this year. These Russians, I tell you never seem to get ‘enough’ of alcohol. My gun related sinner count grew marginally by 2% this quarter and according to my forecasts it will show a steady decline starting from the 2nd quarter of 2016. Anyways I will catch you later. I have a budget review session to attend.”

Unfortunately the beef festival did take place, but thanks to the heavy police force deployed on campus they could only cook it in their hostel rooms. Remember the last time you heard about hostel boys getting excited about cooking ? Ya, me neither.

Here’s hoping all the hostel kids learn some more dishes and consequently launch a swadeshi movement equivalent boycott of deplorable mess food served across hostels in India.

In conclusion, all I would like to say is that feel free to do whatever you want but just don’t get butter chicken in the midst of the debate. You see in Punjabi households like mine, intergalactic wars can get sparked off in the butter chicken supremacy debate. Till we meet again, Adios!

Tom Cruise signs up as brand ambassador for Sandhi Sudha

After the recent declaration of Hugh Jackman as the brand ambassador for Micromax mobiles Tom Cruise has been roped in as the new brand ambassador for Sandhi Sudha oil.

Faking News- How does it feel after bagging such a huge endorsement?

Tom Cruise-  ”I feel honored to  represent such a prestigious brand. However I am deeply saddened that I got this offer a little late. Would have loved to show a scene in Mission Impossible Ghost protocol where  Ethan the protagonist develops body pain while hanging @ 2700 ft above air on the Burj Khalifa & he quickly takes out a bottle of Sandhi Sudha and applies it on his legs & returns back to the mission.  ”

The next international brand

Faking News- What made you choose this brand?

Tom Cruise- To be honest I was overwhelmed with the amount of research these guys have done to make this product. What caught my attention was this bearded baba who seemed to have great knowledge in the field of Ayurveda and blurted out randomayurvedic names of marijuana,cannabis etc.Even the other guy wearing a lab coat seemed pretty wise.

Faking News- Are you having negotiations with other Indian corporates too?

Tom Cruise- I am in talks with a premium inner wear company. However I cannot reveal the name at this point.

Faking News- You mean Rupa Frontline right?

Tom Cruise- F**ck you man!! Go to hell !

–

CEO of Sandhi Sudha Ayurvedic remedies said, “It was a logical decision if you ask me. After considerable research we came  to the conclusion that Indians will buy anything & everything till the time a foreigner promotes it. Our previous marketing campaigns have miserably failed.”

Faking News consequently tried to get the previous brand ambassador’s reaction.

Govinda (sobbing inconsolably)- Loser took away my only source of employment.

Faking News- Never mind sir there is always hope.

Govinda- Ghanta!! Even the Big Boss guys don’t want to take me. Been trying since last 6 seasons.

Alok Nath – I had developed an emotional connect with the brand. In the ads I used to ask other unemployed TV artists on how Sandhi Sudha had changed their lives.We were like one big happy family.Will miss those days dearly.

Jackie Shroff- Mausi chi….*beep*  (needless to say our reporter fled the spot)

McDonald’s to pay heavy compensation to lady for delivering the wrong burger

The root cause of trouble

In a recent case of negligence fast food giant McDonald’s delivered the wrong burger to Ms Gupta. Ms Gupta narrated the whole story to us and was kind enough to serve us expired Rooh Afzah while we gave her a patient hearing:

“I had returned late from office & was too tired to cook. so I had ordered a Mc Aloo tikki burger meal on the phone. I am a staunch vegetarian so I never consume any of their non veg items. In about 45 mins the delivery boy rang my bell. I paid the bill and when I opened the box I was shocked to find a huge burger. It had not 1 but 2 tikkis in it!”

“I was so shocked that I decided that I will surely sue them for this fault!”“Since I was too hungry I just opened the paper wrapping & started eating it like a famished kid. I must admit that it was QUITE large than it usually is. And hell yeah !! It did taste a lot better than before. In fact it was a challenge even biting the burger.For some strange reason the tikkis were succulent, soft & didn’t taste like the ordinary ones. After finishing my burger I was just munching a lettuce leaf that had fallen on my plate when I noticed the non-veg sign on the wrapper!”

“I am a very religious person. I immediately called up my pundit for consultation and he said for this sin I will have to feed a cow grass for the next 8 months every morning at 11:35 sharp. Now I am in a big dilemma coz I can’t really take a cow with me to my MNC office campus in Gurgaon to feed it. You know it looks kinda awkward. After some intense negotiations with my pundit I have finally worked out a way to accomplish this task,” she came up with more details.”

“My maid will feed the cow on my behalf and I will sit in my office and watch the live stream & say soothing words to the cow through Skype.  Brilliant idea right???”"

Reporter- Ya absolutely ma’am.!! Infact calling it brilliant would be an understatement , it’s simply revolutionary.I am sure the founders of Skype will be very proud of you today.

Our source Mr Khoofia Khabri on the condition of anonymity described the court scene a lil bit-

McD lawyer- We gave you a Mc Maharaja burger at the price of a Mc Aloo tikki.Instead of being grateful to us, you filed a court case against us.

Ms Gupta- See judge sahib they want to take advantage of my ignorance.

McD lawyer -Holy shit!! how can u realize that it was non veg AFTER eating the whole burger up?

Ms Gupta- No, no nothing doing.It’s your fault pay up.My cousin who lives in the Amreeka also sued her local pizza outlet for giving 1 sachet of oregano seasoning instead of 2.The pizza outlet had to pay her a hefty compensation for this mistake.

McD lawyer- My lord the lady doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Judge- LOL! I dare you to say that to your wife. I will be more than happy to judge your divorce case.

Ms Gupta – This is the problem nobody understands the emotional , sociological, psychological problems suffered by me. after consuming the non veg burger

McD lawyer- Bitch plz!! I saw u googling these words on your laptop before the court session

Judge- After hearing the pleas of both parties I have come to the conclusion that McDonalds will have to pay up a GRAND sum of Rs 15000 to Ms Gupta for this grave error on your part. This is in accordance with the consumer protection act laws. & now time for my random insignificant quote of the day                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “Ladies and gentlemen as u can see everyone is equal in the eyes of law. Whether u are a douchebag or not”

After winning the court case Ms Gupta was seen partying & enjoying Butter chicken with her friends at Pappu da dhaba.

Reporter- Ma’am but we thought you were veg?

Ms Gupta- Ya ur right.I WAS veg.

Reporter – So aren’t you feeling guilty after consuming non veg??

Ms Gupta sarcastically remarked- Oh no not at all.Infact I’m lovin it !! 

Disclaimer- The above article is a work of pure fiction & is meant to be taken in good humour. The author is kinda veg on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Mondays due to religious reasons & is kinda non veg on the other days of the week. The author admires the whole concept of vegetarianism and personally adores the brave people who defy all odds & end up ordering Paneer roll in KFC while their friends gobble down a few KFC chicken buckets sitting right in front of them.

THE IIPM STORY-Moving towards excellence 1 pony tail at a time

         

IIPM's contribution to the Indian education system has been praised by one and all across the country. It has been winning numerous awards for the best B school in International exposure (all thanks to the free high speed WiFi which gives students access to unlimited downloads of  foreign adult films)

IIPM has maintained it's quality standards all thanks to it's stringent application process which requires prospective candidates to list down all their family assets like Audi, BMW, sea facing villas, plots ,farms & cows etc. Only the richest can make it through.

When it comes to fooling the nation, it's an art that IIPM has pioneered .               

"Pay 12 Lakhs and get a Rs 16000 worth laptop FREE" are just some of the lucrative deals that are up for grabs.

Recently The Hindu newspaper declared IIPM as the 'B school with a human face'.

Vipul an IAS aspirant from Bihar was taken aback after reading an article in The Hindu which declared IIPM as the B school with a human face. He said "I immediately decided that MBA would be the right choice for me .I come from a very humble background & the fees at IIPM is way beyond my means so I have mortgaged my buffalo & household tractor to get a loan. Their ads in the newspaper have always attracted me , especially the part where they highlight "world class faculty from Harvard, Stanford etc" whose font size is the biggest in the whole ad. I am grateful to this college for reminding every Indian 365 days of  the year as to how the  IITs & IIMs do not contribute anything to the nation's development & that IIPM is the only college that is patriotic enough to give back to the society. "

As soon as Mr Arindam got news that his college was awarded with this new honour within  a few minutes he updated his Facebook status  "OMG ! OMG ! OMG ! IIPM ranks the charts yet again. The Hindu newspaper just declared our college as the 'B school with a human face '. Never really expected this to happen." Comments like "WTF,WTH, R U SERIOUS?? & BITCH PLEASE !!"  were found in most frequency. Oblivious to these encouraging comments this status update was 'liked' by numerous IIPM students who were warned that if they didn't 'like' his status update they shall face serious consequences (ie their much acclaimed laptops shall be snatched away from & their internet browsing history would be made public).

When asked a former IIPM student he replied "Everyone is simply jealous of us & our laptops!! I agree that our IQs are low but that does not mean that our ambitions are not high. Let me get this clear ok?? We are still in heavy demand in the corporate world..........(35 sec pause)........Seriously yaar!! Believe me,Why would I lie?? Maa Kasam"

IIPM recently has done a strategic tie up with NASA to send it's students to Mars for conducting a global threats and opportunity analysis (GOTA) on the effects of playing Punjabi pop star Mika Singh's debut song  "Saavan Mein lag gayi Aag!!" out there & making the aliens extinct in their own planet.

Marketing maverick Arin(damn)  Chaudhuri has recently changed the IIPM tagline to "Dare to think beyond the Humans!!"

If rumours are to be believed another book called "Looting aliens, the human way!!" is all set to be released by Mr Arindam shortly.      

Placement head Mr Ghosh said "It's nice to be awarded the B school with a human face.People are finally recognizing that our colleges also exist in the market.We offer placement to 99% people within our campus itself.Depending on their skills they are given critical roles within our institute like security,canteen, cleanliness etc .  However 1% students do betray us and take up a job @ that tea stall outside our campus.I hate that tea stall owner.Loser is attracting invaluable human capital to his business by luring them with iPads.Hope they keep the IIPM flag flying high"
 

A professor at IIM Ahmedabad said "Nice work Arindam!! Hope u guys bag the award for the B school with human brains too!! I wish u well in all your misfortunes"

DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of pure fiction and is meant to be taken in good humour. Unlike all the other news pieces of IIPM that you may have read, I have NOT been paid for this one. sob sob :( :( . Needless to say I am not an alumni of the institute .Which I do believe shall count as one of the reasons my whole dynasty would be proud of me.Plz note- This article is completely FAKE and any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.


Do check my other humour articles too Click Here