Adios 2014 !!

Shall come up with a new Spanish synonym by next year #kthnxbye

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group- Click Here)

Like all fellow mortals had to succumb to social pressure to put this lousy pic with an optimistic message to give you yet another reason to vomit all over the club in the New Year's bash

WHY? HOW? WTF? I have not even met half of my annual weight loss target.

Incase these are the kind of questions popping up in your mind. Worry not, we're here to help you. It's that time of the year when columnists shall advise their readers on one of the following topics-

a) How to spend the holidays with your loved ones?

b) How to give indirect signals to your loved ones that the 52 piece cutlery set gifted by them for your home is too lavish for its inhabitants namely you & your pomerian.

c) How to gun down the 'we were just passing by your place, so thought we will drop in' kinda guests ?

d) How to camouflage yourself in the numerous facebook status updates & check ins popping up every milliseconds while not celebrating anything.

Pardon me I shall not be able to offer any scholarly responses on the above.

This happens to be that time of the year where you are bombarded with posters all around you like-  

'NEW YRZ  BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS AKA BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE & THARKIS.FREE FISTFIGHTS & 1 LONELY ABDUCTED FIRANG FOR 'INTERNATIONAL FEEL'. BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800-AUNTYPOLICEBULALEGI '
 

December is also the month where homo sapiens use their collective intellectual energies to reminiscence & remind each other of  the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1 -"Hey did you see that video of that dog pushing a cat in the bathtub video.Fuckin awesome bro!"

Guy 2 -  "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower.So awwwww worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 1- "Chal ,chal. Let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh & that Sardar Naagin dance video too."

Now 2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to watch Modiji's receding hairline more than their wife's facial wrinkles. Which is really not a bad deal if you ask me. This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest bumping Arnab Goswami.

Bollywood gave us many profound films this year,

Jai Ho- A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi level chain of good deed doers. Before you know it they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties boasting about their body pains to each other with immense competitive spirit.

A candid pic of Lord SRK & the gorgeous Deepika Padukone hanging around with some struggling actors in the Bollywood flick 'Happy New Year'

Now that I have covered both SRK's & Bhai's film I shall be saved from hate mails unless Jacky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus & die of blood loss consequently.

Speaking of  world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, as a nation we were busy passionately speculating the no of starters at Arpita Khan's wedding.

ALS Ice bucket challenge.Water conservation? WTF does that even mean?

A global trend known as 'ALS Ice bucket challenge' hit social media by storm. This was the time where hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival food waste joint hands together to waste other precious resources ie water.         

"How can you waste rotten tomatoes man? Make Sev Tamatar subzi bro"

Definition-  'Sev Tamatar '- An authentic gujju recipe invented by visionaries in their quest to find some meaning to life in a world void of Tandoori chicken & Reshami kebabs owing to religious concerns.

In other news, little did scientists know that their state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways such as capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red handed.  #true story

Please do maintain safe distance from people whose main New Year plan is pretty much asking other people about their New Year plans.

This is a unique breed of species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles for the holidays while you are still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must reply to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

#ProTip- Machu Picchu is a good reply to shut their mouths & prevent any further interrogation by them considering the prevailing low geographical skills amongst the masses.

That's all for now. Till we meet again next year I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of  2.5 readers & by Valentine's day 2015 might even develop a long distance relationship with them. Beware  :P 

BREAKING: NRI misses spitting tobacco abroad

(Article written exclusively for ITC Ltd)

Mr Mukesh is an ordinary NRI  (ie like all dutiful NRIs he too brings back home iPhones & laptops in dozens for his relatives). 

Mr Mukesh recently migrated to New York  in search of better opportunities (like sweeping the streets & updating his LinkedIn profile with sassy terms like 'hygiene consultant').

                                                                    

Faking news spoke to Mr Mukesh recently-

Faking News- "So tell us how has your whole experience been in USA??"

Mr Mukesh:  "New York is a great place and I feel that it's like a second home to me.Time flies doesn't it.Just a month back I was the one who used to utter a few words of English only in the metro when in front of girls to show that I am an uber cool corporate honcho & here I am faking the Amreekan accent so flawlessly & shamelessly. Infact just went for my first NFL match yesterday .Must admit got a few absurd looks when I began cheering  out loud 'Sachin Sachinnnnnnn'. Stupid Amreekans! "

Faking News: "So tell us what do you miss most about India?"

Mr Mukesh-  "After those Sauna Slimming belt &  Sandhi Sudha ads etc what I miss the most is spitting pan & gutka.Out here you have fines for everything. Don't know how can they call this a free country if it does not allow its citizens to even spit or pee in the open. But you see nowadays I do get nostalgic when I see neat & clean walls with no gutka spit on it.Something seems missing.

A candid pic of Mr Mukesh clicked right before a Board of Directors meeting.

Faking News: "WTF ? Why??"

Mr Mukesh- "You see I was never addicted to any of this gutka,pan,cigarettes etc.  But as luck would have it there was a period when I faced immense stress at work thanks to my new boss who would not even allow me to cut vegetables in office (even after I bribed him with 2 packs of Chunky Chaat masala) while ladies were allowed to knit sweaters during working hours.Bloody sexist! 

Tired of this corporate politics I landed up with a heavy heart on one of the sessions of 'Third Kidney of Nirmal Baba' or was it Eye? I don't recollect. Screw it!

I discussed my personal problems with him & was kinda expecting him to ask me tricky  questions like 'When was the last time you had a  Cheese Burst Pizza ? ' but instead he asked me when was the last time I had a paan? I was left speechless.  "

The very next moment I walked out to the nearest pan wala & fell into the vicious circle of tobacco addiction.

Faking News- "Any advise for fellow tobacco  consumers?"

Mr Mukesh- "Well nothing much .I am just following The 6 commandments of gutka users."

Faking News- "Oh really? What are they ?"

Mr Mukesh-Oh it's pretty simple, you know.

1) Thou shall not leave any wall crack exposed without stuffing in your gutka wrapper.

2) Thou shall not be successful in mergers & acquisitions business deals without munching a packet of gutka in front of your foreign counterparts.

3) Thou shall always make a mark in life (even if it means literally by spitting in public spaces )

4) Thou shall NEVER EVER EVER (Arnab Goswami style) bloody get humiliated by Shaktimaan out of all species on the planet.

5) Thou shall never get intimidated by 'Tobbacco is injurious to health' warnings coz Aloo Parathas with truckloads of butter are also injurious to health. But who gives a shit?

6) Thou shall defy all odds & even overcome the gravitational force to compete with fellow gutka users in spitting the longest trail of red spit.

It's a Laughing Messiah Productions Presentation.

Brand partner- KwikNic- Nicotine Chewing gum. A quality product from ITC Ltd

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