Adios 2014 !!

Shall come up with a new Spanish synonym by next year #kthnxbye

(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group- Click Here)

Like all fellow mortals had to succumb to social pressure to put this lousy pic with an optimistic message to give you yet another reason to vomit all over the club in the New Year's bash

WHY? HOW? WTF? I have not even met half of my annual weight loss target.

Incase these are the kind of questions popping up in your mind. Worry not, we're here to help you. It's that time of the year when columnists shall advise their readers on one of the following topics-

a) How to spend the holidays with your loved ones?

b) How to give indirect signals to your loved ones that the 52 piece cutlery set gifted by them for your home is too lavish for its inhabitants namely you & your pomerian.

c) How to gun down the 'we were just passing by your place, so thought we will drop in' kinda guests ?

d) How to camouflage yourself in the numerous facebook status updates & check ins popping up every milliseconds while not celebrating anything.

Pardon me I shall not be able to offer any scholarly responses on the above.

This happens to be that time of the year where you are bombarded with posters all around you like-  

'NEW YRZ  BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS AKA BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE & THARKIS.FREE FISTFIGHTS & 1 LONELY ABDUCTED FIRANG FOR 'INTERNATIONAL FEEL'. BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800-AUNTYPOLICEBULALEGI '
 

December is also the month where homo sapiens use their collective intellectual energies to reminiscence & remind each other of  the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1 -"Hey did you see that video of that dog pushing a cat in the bathtub video.Fuckin awesome bro!"

Guy 2 -  "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower.So awwwww worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 1- "Chal ,chal. Let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh & that Sardar Naagin dance video too."

Now 2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to watch Modiji's receding hairline more than their wife's facial wrinkles. Which is really not a bad deal if you ask me. This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest bumping Arnab Goswami.

Bollywood gave us many profound films this year,

Jai Ho- A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi level chain of good deed doers. Before you know it they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties boasting about their body pains to each other with immense competitive spirit.

A candid pic of Lord SRK & the gorgeous Deepika Padukone hanging around with some struggling actors in the Bollywood flick 'Happy New Year'

Now that I have covered both SRK's & Bhai's film I shall be saved from hate mails unless Jacky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus & die of blood loss consequently.

Speaking of  world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, as a nation we were busy passionately speculating the no of starters at Arpita Khan's wedding.

ALS Ice bucket challenge.Water conservation? WTF does that even mean?

A global trend known as 'ALS Ice bucket challenge' hit social media by storm. This was the time where hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival food waste joint hands together to waste other precious resources ie water.         

"How can you waste rotten tomatoes man? Make Sev Tamatar subzi bro"

Definition-  'Sev Tamatar '- An authentic gujju recipe invented by visionaries in their quest to find some meaning to life in a world void of Tandoori chicken & Reshami kebabs owing to religious concerns.

In other news, little did scientists know that their state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways such as capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red handed.  #true story

Please do maintain safe distance from people whose main New Year plan is pretty much asking other people about their New Year plans.

This is a unique breed of species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles for the holidays while you are still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must reply to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

#ProTip- Machu Picchu is a good reply to shut their mouths & prevent any further interrogation by them considering the prevailing low geographical skills amongst the masses.

That's all for now. Till we meet again next year I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of  2.5 readers & by Valentine's day 2015 might even develop a long distance relationship with them. Beware  :P 

THE IIPM STORY-Moving towards excellence 1 pony tail at a time

         

IIPM's contribution to the Indian education system has been praised by one and all across the country. It has been winning numerous awards for the best B school in International exposure (all thanks to the free high speed WiFi which gives students access to unlimited downloads of  foreign adult films)

IIPM has maintained it's quality standards all thanks to it's stringent application process which requires prospective candidates to list down all their family assets like Audi, BMW, sea facing villas, plots ,farms & cows etc. Only the richest can make it through.

When it comes to fooling the nation, it's an art that IIPM has pioneered .               

"Pay 12 Lakhs and get a Rs 16000 worth laptop FREE" are just some of the lucrative deals that are up for grabs.

Recently The Hindu newspaper declared IIPM as the 'B school with a human face'.

Vipul an IAS aspirant from Bihar was taken aback after reading an article in The Hindu which declared IIPM as the B school with a human face. He said "I immediately decided that MBA would be the right choice for me .I come from a very humble background & the fees at IIPM is way beyond my means so I have mortgaged my buffalo & household tractor to get a loan. Their ads in the newspaper have always attracted me , especially the part where they highlight "world class faculty from Harvard, Stanford etc" whose font size is the biggest in the whole ad. I am grateful to this college for reminding every Indian 365 days of  the year as to how the  IITs & IIMs do not contribute anything to the nation's development & that IIPM is the only college that is patriotic enough to give back to the society. "

As soon as Mr Arindam got news that his college was awarded with this new honour within  a few minutes he updated his Facebook status  "OMG ! OMG ! OMG ! IIPM ranks the charts yet again. The Hindu newspaper just declared our college as the 'B school with a human face '. Never really expected this to happen." Comments like "WTF,WTH, R U SERIOUS?? & BITCH PLEASE !!"  were found in most frequency. Oblivious to these encouraging comments this status update was 'liked' by numerous IIPM students who were warned that if they didn't 'like' his status update they shall face serious consequences (ie their much acclaimed laptops shall be snatched away from & their internet browsing history would be made public).

When asked a former IIPM student he replied "Everyone is simply jealous of us & our laptops!! I agree that our IQs are low but that does not mean that our ambitions are not high. Let me get this clear ok?? We are still in heavy demand in the corporate world..........(35 sec pause)........Seriously yaar!! Believe me,Why would I lie?? Maa Kasam"

IIPM recently has done a strategic tie up with NASA to send it's students to Mars for conducting a global threats and opportunity analysis (GOTA) on the effects of playing Punjabi pop star Mika Singh's debut song  "Saavan Mein lag gayi Aag!!" out there & making the aliens extinct in their own planet.

Marketing maverick Arin(damn)  Chaudhuri has recently changed the IIPM tagline to "Dare to think beyond the Humans!!"

If rumours are to be believed another book called "Looting aliens, the human way!!" is all set to be released by Mr Arindam shortly.      

Placement head Mr Ghosh said "It's nice to be awarded the B school with a human face.People are finally recognizing that our colleges also exist in the market.We offer placement to 99% people within our campus itself.Depending on their skills they are given critical roles within our institute like security,canteen, cleanliness etc .  However 1% students do betray us and take up a job @ that tea stall outside our campus.I hate that tea stall owner.Loser is attracting invaluable human capital to his business by luring them with iPads.Hope they keep the IIPM flag flying high"
 

A professor at IIM Ahmedabad said "Nice work Arindam!! Hope u guys bag the award for the B school with human brains too!! I wish u well in all your misfortunes"

DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of pure fiction and is meant to be taken in good humour. Unlike all the other news pieces of IIPM that you may have read, I have NOT been paid for this one. sob sob :( :( . Needless to say I am not an alumni of the institute .Which I do believe shall count as one of the reasons my whole dynasty would be proud of me.Plz note- This article is completely FAKE and any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.


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