Mankind has
reached the stage of nirvana. We have started looking at the inner beauty of
things. So it's but natural photographing insects sitting on leaves with ultra zoom
lenses became socially acceptable.Though photography page owners on Facebook you
still disappoint me with no pics of cockroaches playing hide and seek on
kitchen cutlery with philosophical
quotes like 'We all lie in the gutter but some of us look at the stars' coz on
an average day it's things like these that brighten up my morning.
1) Food -
Gone are the
days when just clicking pics with Ronald McDonald abroad to show off to fellow
indians back home was a moment of national pride.But globalization took over
shortly and all big brands started coming in to Mother India.Before you could
figure out what was happening they even came up with local variants McPaneer (coz
calling it McWhiteFriedPiecesOfRubber would offend cows & indians but
mostly the cows), McAlooTikki ( or as McDonald's describes it a mouth-watering potato
patty infused with Indian spices so
scarce to find that the British would have ruled for 300 more years in India
had they not lost to Aamir's team in Lagaan )
Instagram
took over mankind and newsfeeds got spammed left right and centre with pics of
food. Each competing against one another.
'My Dal Makhni has more coriander leaves than yours.Fuck you! I win !
Pro tip- If your dish doesn't look good photogenic enough, garnish the hell out of it with whatever you find in the kitchen.This will serve 2 purposes
a) It will
help camouflage your ugly looking dish.
b) It helps
create a positive vibe amongst your guests who get deceived by the looks of it
only to realize their folly shortly enough much like The Last Supper
(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like 'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )
(Fun fact- Contrary to popular belief Jesus didn't go like 'pass the chutney bro, feeding me bland dahi vadas before crucifying me bloody bastards !' to his hosts )
 |
| Instagram coz eating eats unmelted ice cream is just too mainstream |
There are some unsaid rules too.You are not a self respecting Indian in Canada if you don't get a pic clicked with a Tim
Hortons coffee cup.Sometimes genuinely think if that is like one of the
hidden immigration rules policy out there.
All thanks to this flood of food pics all
over
my newsfeed I have finally learned big big words which I shall try my level
best to decipher for my readership.
Connoisseur-
A fancy term used as a face saving device when food tastes raw.Coz you see
calling a person halwai on his face is just too mainstream.
Gourmet- A
very well thought drafted by the broke guys in the food industry after collaborating with marketing guys to rip
your wallets for serving the same food ofcourse with a touch of gourmet.......
Vada Pav- 15
Rs, Gourmet Vada Pav- 120 Rs
Green Salad
- 30 Rs ,Gourmet Green Salad tossed with
cracked pepper with a tinge of lemon & tossed yet again this time with a
dash of olive oil & farm fresh iceberg lettuce leaves greener than Hulk's
rear end & juicy tomatoes so red in colour blood seems fake- Rs 150
Aficionado -
Not gonna lie, googled the term to get the right spelling.According to the
dictionary it means someone who is devoted to something which is totally kinda
cool coz in daily life I go around telling people 'Yo bro , you are such a
Shera Vali Maata aficionado'. & yes I am going to hell for trolling my own
religion. You're welcome!
2) Health & wellness-
You can
always depend on my fellow Punjabi clan to mince around with words. In your
mom's eyes you are never really fat, you
are always 'healthy'.As a 'healthy' guy I find it very adorable Lee Cooper
comes out with 'skinny' jeans in XL size.Makes you feel all the more loved
right?
What pisses
me off to the core is health related stuff flooding on my newsfeed/Twitter
timeline.Shall share a few examples below to refresh your memory-
'Clocked in
40 min cardio , 33 min push ups & 20 min power jogging- Feeling refreshed'
'2 hours of 'Power'
Yoga'- Feeling Rejuvenated
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)
(Pro tip - Adding the word 'power' before any physical exercise helps in deceiving your well wishers that you are actually doing something worthwhile in your earthly existence)
'10 km early
morning jog, muscles ache but I have promises to keep & miles to go before
I sleep #100HealthyDays'
(Pro tip- No
offense but I'd rather make some money throwing newspapers in people's
balconies than running around for free. )
In all
honesty I have burned more calories getting pissed off at your health related
status updates than actually working out. When I had started going to the gym (somewhere
around the time where Zumba was in trend which was quintessentially 'ameero ka bhangra' Translation- Bhangra for the elite' '
I had gone to the gym filled with optimism and expected
to see hot babes sweating & having ice cool lemonade you know like the
kinds they show in movies. But I was betrayed............. all I got to see was
uncles wearing shiny neon green vests with fat hairy thighs moving around in
shorts desperately trying to add to the sensuality & oomph factor in the
gym premises.Clearly it was the darkest day
in the history of my life, so much
so that I gave up on the concept of fitness all together.
 |
| Day 1- An average next door blonde chick (Nope not talking of my locality.I am cursed by the stars u see). Day 90- A sturdy Haryanvi Jaat JUST in 3 months! #ReasonEnough2AvoidGym |
Please for
heaven sake don't take selfies at your marathon runs or gyms and upload them
online.My immediate psychological reaction to that is almost like the puja ki
thali dropping scene in bollywood films, the only difference being that I drop
my nacho in my cheese dip and let it lie there drowned in the sea of cheddar cheese
calories. #StillAMoreHeartWarmingStoryThanTitanic
Having 'sweated'
it out on speed -2 on the treadmill I must admit I kinda find it idiotic to see
those silly blinking LED completing a circle on the screen as you slog it out.
What I would personally find more motivational is that the LEDs blink slowly
and soon enough form the shape of a kachori or samosa as you keep jogging. And in
the end when you have accomplished your goal of running a few hours on the
treadmill the screen ought to read 'You just burned enough calories
for a mere lil aloo pakoda, start again' *facepalm*
More often
than not you see pics being uploaded with people wearing full on gym gear, with
all those Adidas sweat bands, Nike cross fit shoes etc which is kinda totally cool considering you
are gonna spend time staring at your mobile screen while your Pomerian jogs on
your behalf on the treadmill.Congrats, you totally nailed it!
That's all
for now. Thanks for being patient enough to read this long post before burning
my effigies on the road. Do make it a point to share/spam this article on the
walls of your fitness freak/ instagram food enthusiast friends by clicking the
icons below. Shall be continuing with my thoughts on this social media series.Till
we meet again Adios!
