(Article written exclusively for the India Today Group - Click Here)
1) THOU SHALT NOT GET PICS CLICKED WITHOUT WEARING A SUIT AND POSING AT 45 DEGREE ANGLE-
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| The next time you come across a group of smiling CAs like the ones above.Please be assured a multibillion dollar scam is in progress |
1) THOU SHALT NOT GET PICS CLICKED WITHOUT WEARING A SUIT AND POSING AT 45 DEGREE ANGLE-
Accountants
have this fetish for posing in suits like no other fellow homo sapiens. They
can wear the same suit to their birthday party, wedding & god forbid even
in their coffin. Now you might argue that it's the 'professional look' that is the
reason behind it. Which made sense till the time lab coat wearing douchebags in
Teleshop ads ruined it all up.
2) THOU
SHALT TILL ETERNITY SING SONGS PRAISING BILL GATES AND HIS MINIONS FOR CREATING
MICROSOFT EXCEL
Harsh truth but amongst the various limitations of Microsoft Excel, the ability to reproduce & form living organisms clearly stands out, otherwise accountants shall be more than happy to abandon all forms of human contact. Being accountants we have this undying thirst for knowledge so much so that we would willingly trade our loved ones in return for learning a new Excel keyboard shortcut or formula. Nonetheless other softwares too come in handy like Tally,SAGE etc.Now Tally is one such software which defies levels of human boredom. Trust me watching paint dry is far more entertaining than using it.
3) THOU
SHALT ALWAYS PUT YOUR CLIENT'S INTEREST BEFORE YOUR'S -
Clients are
to be given priority at all times. And leg massages too if needed. No seriously.
4) THOU
SHALT NOT COMPROMISE WITH DOWRY RATES
In a world inhabited by lesser life forms, you are intellectually supreme. Mankind's only hope to show us the the way forward. Agreed, you got your ass busted for passing the exams so demanding an above market dowry rate is but natural. As someone rightly said 'Ask not what you can do for your soulmate, ask what your pop in law can do for you' .Fuck I forgot the quote.
5) THOU SHALT NOT SULK ON BUDGET DAY
Now the nation's budget day is a great leveler of sorts. All news channels are busy running behind economists and bankers for their wise opinions and not you in spite of your financial prowess. Worry not, Gupta aunty's ugly unwed daughter still cares about your opinion on inner beauty.
6) THOU
SHALT SUCK AT MENTAL MATHS-
Since our early days we learn the value of professional skepticism so much so that we reach a stage where we start doubting our basic addition & subtraction skills till the calculator doesn't show the same figure.
7) THOU
SHALT NOT BRING UP TOPICS LIKE INHERITANCE TAX ON FUNERALS
Accountants have a penchant of bringing up the most unlikely topics at public events. In a society once ruled by the norms of social diplomacy , accountants have inborn abilities to shake the very foundation of it. Accountants are a dangerous breed to co-exist with. Just a mere 'Hello' greeting to us would be enough should you at any point require a free 3 hour prologue on 'Save your taxes....legally....ok almost legally' ;)
8) THOU
SHALT MAINTAIN CLIENT CONFIDENTIALITY AT ALL TIMES
The funny thing about client confidentiality is while boasting about your clients over tea we inevitably leak out confidential stuff like eg
'Hey did you know Flipkart employs sub Saharan kids for tax exemptions?'
'That construction group I am working on even has prebooked graveyard slots for its ageing board of directors? How considerate of them na? '
'I was going through their books, Fuck man that Country Club guy charged a whooping 50 lakhs to stick his thumb out wearing goggles on national television for the adverts '
9) THOU
SHALT BILL THE CLIENT FOR THE HOURS THOU SPENT FACEBOOKING ON THE CLIENT'S WIFI
Worry not, don't feel guilty at all. After Monica Bellucci & Megan Fox you are the greatest gift to humanity after all. You have full rights to charge the client for using FB or downloading movies at the client's premises. They shall be most pleased to pay for your holy rear end that you stuck up on their swivel chair to perform your duties.
10) THOU
SHALT NOT DO COOL THINGS EVEN IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
Parasailing, Sky diving, Bungee jumping etc are for the meek hearted. True courage lies in debating out tax evasion techniques with oldie uncles & emerging victorious.Little does the world know the sheer joy of rattling out tax regulations verbatim at the drop of a hat.
