(Article written exclusively for India Today- Click Here)
Warm
welcome to 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently I had the
misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my
star sign, Gemini it read -
'Be
careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating'
Hate it
when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. Now I'll be honest,
horoscopes don't make too much sense to me considering that it's rather idiotic
to divide the world into 12 star signs & hypothetically expect them to have
the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalization. Even
the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich,
which I gladly accept just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I
get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping & a choco chip cookie to go along
with my pile of grass or 'freshetarian revolution' as my marketing friends
would reaffirm rather shamelessly.
"Sir
we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in between your loaf, & ketchup is NOT one of them for reasons we
won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in
protest."
It is
with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead as a
small token of love & appreciation to that son of a gun astrologer who
predicted mine.
Disclaimer
- I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So in case you do get killed
under a Tata Nano despite of me predicting a long life ahead for you, I am sooooo
not responsible. Not that you have an option to resurrect and take revenge. But
come on, it's humiliating enough to get
driven over by a Tata Nano, in which
case you totally deserve to die. No offense.
I shall
be focusing on 3 major aspects- love life, finance & health. Apologies, if
I didn't touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel
movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Your
major romantic experiences shall come around June. The universe will conspire so
you have the rare opportunity of having bhindi do pyaaza at your crush's wedding.
Hold your horses, you won't be the groom. But, the jilted lover. With Saturn in
the third house and other random planet geo positional co-ordinates I shall
make up after 3 cans of beer, your finances will remain stable overall. Expect
few minor health surgeries & STDs just incase you took the latest MakeMyTrip.com
email seriously. FYI- The email subject was 'End 2014 with a bang. Book a package to
Thailand right away!!'
Leo (July 23 – August
23)
Expect your 'special someone' to kick you out of the
house soon. Ya, moms get angry at times. Warm welcome to the #ForeverAlone zone.
We missed you dearly. Money shall keep flowing seamlessly unless you decide to
put that cute puppy of yours up for auction online, in which case do gear
yourself to be struck by lightning. No health problems predicted for year ahead
but do visit your doctor once in a while for that adrenaline rush of giving
urine samples while the toilet door latch is broken.
Libra (September 23 —
October 23)
A mysterious stranger will enter your life who will eventually
end up ruining your love life, finances and health. The income tax inspector. Seriously,
appoint a new chartered accountant.
Scorpio (October 23 —
November 22)
Your
relationship will become more intimate. Expect the police cyber cell department to monitor your creepy Facebook messages to
random girls. Saving is a virtue indeed. A wise man once said.I am not wise
& I didn't say that. But what I will say is that you might as well keep
that 10 Rs note back in your wallet. Remember that 10 Rs tip you kept for the waiter
in that 5 star hotel you dined in recently?? Bloody cheapo, you are! . No major health
issues predicted. Piles may or may not affect you. Pretty much depends on the
number of diarrhoea patients you mocked in your previous life birth.
Capricorn (December
22- January 20)
You, my friend are the distressed kind. The world has
been rather unkind to you since the time you took birth. Like having a goat as
a star sign wasn't embarrassing enough, the world threw bigger challenges at
you. Just pray to the celestial powers above that in your next life birth, at
least you get a more socially acceptable star sign like a Pikachu or something.
Your love life shall blossom in the coming months. So much so, that you have
full chances of getting kicked out by H.R for sexual harassment. Financial
situation might be bit tricky. Support piracy. Opt for fake Hugo Boss fragrances.
Trust me, no one will notice the difference. Be aware of common cold symptoms. They
come in handy when you have a fake medical sick leave certificate in hand.
Pisces (February 19 –
March 20)
Ok I am a bit biased. Your star sign is kinda related
to water which in turn is related to Baywatch babes. So I shall go kind on you.
Expect to flourish in all spheres of life- health, finance & love. Don't
believe the guys who say 'Love is the
greatest treasure of life'. Quite possibly they are being chased by bank goons
themselves for running late on loan repayments.
Aquarius (January 21
– February 18)
Love isn't anywhere near the horizon. But arranged
marriage is.So congrats!! Finances shall remain smooth throughout the year.
Unless you took up that Country Club annual membership, in which case you might
as well seek entertainment by watching, pigeons indulging in public display of
affection (PDAs) in your balcony rather than going out to watch concerts of rejected Bollywood actresses.
Heart ailments might bother you. Reduce your samosa consumption asap.
Virgo (August 24 —
September 22)
Romantic relationships may come to a standstill.
Gifting that artificial set to your loved one in a branded jewellery box was a
f**ked up idea indeed! Gear up for unexpected business deals which will bring
you plenty of fortunes. Trading WWE playing cards with friends does not count though.
Expect liver issues to pop up. Unless you are in Gujarat in which case, fear
diabetes first.
Cancer (June 22 –
July 22)
Your potential soul mate is just round the corner
and will forever remain there. Who the hell told you keeping ferocious Dobermans
tied to your gate was a hospitable gesture?. Expect windfall gains shortly in
your junk mail folder. For a change Nigerians won't cheat you this time. Fellow
Indians shall do the needful !. Someone might stab you from behind while you're
jogging on the treadmill. Stay away from the gym.
Gemini (May 22 – June
21)
You are fun loving, creative , gorgeous, intellectual,
charming & any other sexy adjectives you can think of. Besides Angelina
Jolie, Adriana Lima & Anna Kournikova, you also happen to share your star
sign with me, the black sheep of the Gemini
family . You shall remain clueless in love life, finance & health in 2015,
pretty much like I was when I started writing this article. You're welcome!
Taurus (April 21 –
May 21)
Love is eternal indeed, somewhat like Rupa undergarments.
You need a new partner soon . Finances shall remain stable provided you remain
focused on your core skills- kidnapping toddlers for ransom. Spine ache could affect your health. Stop
being a miser. Upgrade to that business class ticket you have always wanted.
The food might suck, but they do give you perfumed wet tissues to wipe your
tears filled with guilt for spending a bomb on shitty service.
Sagittarius (November
23 — December 21)
Cross cultural romantic relationships are on the
cards. Expect a blissful union of two souls destined by the stars for love and
love only & sometimes U.S green card citizenship too. You shall feel
burdened with the weight of materialism on your arms. Seriously, those Louis
Vuitton suitcases look ugly!.Body ache might cause you many problems. My only advise is don't
try out yogic postures unless you seek to get a
spot on national television in the early morning hours wearing neon green coloured
spandex so grannies get entertained while
watching you break your ligaments one after the other on Yoga shows.
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